My night as a pussy bouncer...

 So, this other night at a gangbang...


I never thought I would be able to start a sentence that way! But, lucky me, now I can. My friend's husband advertised on SLS.com and got a bunch of random guys over to fuck her while she was blindfolded. She was the main course for the evening. There was good and bad to my experience. Sex is always a fun and it's an interesting hobby to enjoy with my man. Since I didn't have to do anything (or anyone) that I didn't want to, it was a good experience overall. Tho I alternately both felt envy for and felt sorry for my friend. As the saying goes, she got banged harder then a Salvation Army drum. Which is a good thing! Long and constant full feeling. Throbbing cocks filling you over and over. Men pawing you and wanting you and focusing on you. Being the main course for an evening would have it's upsides too.

My man and I went to the event with a friend of ours... I was there to play fluffer to my man, our friend and the main course's husband if needed. While we are swingers, my man and I prefer to meet and befriend our fucks prior to playing with them so I was careful to avoid touching anything of anyones that I didn't have prior OK to touch. One of the many reasons that swinging works for us is that we are loving and respectful of each other and our mutual rules. So while I felt kind of like I was ignoring people at the after party orgy to the gangbang but the fact that my man and I went home happy and comfortable with everything that happened made up for any momentary rudeness I felt about keeping my hands to myself when there were so many cocks and boobs put in my face to touch.

I, personally, am too picky about who I allow to touch me to ever be OK with inviting random strangers from the internet over to fuck me. I would have to screen them, in person, ahead of time and approve their persons and personalities before I would actually enjoy allowing them to have their ways with me. But, since I was just the pussy bouncer and not the main course for the evening, that aspect of the situation wasn't up to me. My blindfolded friend seemed to enjoy herself throughout the all the fucking and sucking, so that's what made the gangbang work.

It got off to a little bit of a rocky start as there were a couple couples that posted themselves up against the wall of the bedroom and just stood there and studied the scene on the bed like we were all intensely interesting specimens at a lab. Wide-eyed shock and awe emanated from them. But, they didn't participate and they didn't act like they were even slightly turned on by the debauchery going on ten feet from them. What gives with that? How can you watch a live porn being acted out in front of you and not show the slightest sign of being turned on by the scene? What makes a person be open enough to show up at a gangbang, yet huddle against the wall and tremble whenever anyone suggests they join in the fun?

Back to me, the pussy bouncer, it was my "job" for the evening to make sure all cocks were condom covered and the main course's pussy remained moist enough for all the fucking that took place. I used more lube in that one evening then I think has been used in all my personal sexual nights put together. I used my hands and my mouth to keep her turned on and ready for each cock as it came her way. I've discovered recently that I am heteroflexible (which means straight until the lights go off) so I enjoy kissing and touching a woman's body. I love feeling her go soft and turned on  under my hands.

The gangbang progressed as you would expect a gangbang to progress. Man after man took his turn next to the main course and she fondled him and sucked on him for awhile until he was hard enough for a condom and once wrapped the dick would pound her til either nerves took over and killed the guys' erection or he came from the stimulation. And, by then another guy had been fluffed by her and was ready to take the last guys place in her pussy. This continued for about a half dozen guys... two of which were creepy old fuckers who, had the blindfold not been in place, the main course would probably not wanted to play with... hence the blindfold I guess.

After the gangbang was over, the organization degenerated into a pile of bodies touching and mouthing and fucking. Over the course of the evening there were about 15-20 people there, but at the end of it there were nine of us in the two king-sized beds that were pushed together in the bedroom. I've never seen so much live sex performed in front of my eyes ever. It was amazing fun to watch all the bodies writhing, hands groping, mouths kissing and sucking, and the cocks disappearing into various orifices.

Our friend enjoyed it immensely too. As he said, he had sex with a girl and had three different girls suck on his cock all in one evening, what more could a guy want?

Swinging Horrors, Take One.

My man is an awesome chef. He does most of the cooking  around our house. His specialty is Mexican food - burritos, fajitas, tacos, enchiladas, etc... So I said this to him... "Hun, you know that even tho I love your Mexican food, and I absolutely LOVE when you cook fajitas for me, we both still enjoy going to El Gran Rodeo occasionally right? So what do you think about taking the same approach to our sex life?"

And... now my man and I have been doing the swinging thing for a few months! 

It's been, well, an experience to say the least. This is my second foray into the world of swinging and his first - although we've both had numerous casual and exotic relationships before. He's had many many threesomes as have I, and I've had many foursomes and moresomes. He's dated strippers and whores and been a pimp and a gigolo. I've had masters and slaves, I've had a sugar daddy and been the nympho in many relationships.

I could tell you stories upon stories of the first time a man and I tried swinging, and most of them would make you cringe rather then cum. So many people in this type of life are only in it for themselves. They are only in it because they aren't happy with their partner. Their attitude is more along the lines of "my lover sucks, in the bad way, so why don't I foist him off on some random girl while I get to fuck someone new and hopefully better then my own guy in bed, and if he is at all worth it I will then try to steal the new better lover away from his current relationship"(and of course that happens with both genders, not just women).

All that said, this is the first time and first relationship that either my man or I have been in that we cared SO much about our partner and yet still wanted to try opening up the bedroom to others. I actually kind of find it ironic that one of the only men that I've dated who is completely happy with just me and just monogamy is one of the few that I'm trying to convert into a swinger... Other men and other relationships have been rocky from the start and I wouldn't even think of broaching the concept with them - because they would take the conversation me giving them carte blanc to go fuck anything that moves behind my back (which many of them did anyways).

I think that perhaps it is BECAUSE my man and I are SO stable and secure in our monogamy that we feel free to explore some different spices to add to our relationship. It is because I trust him completely with my heart, soul and body, that I trust that I can give him other women to play with and know that it won't end up in cheating and it wont be difficult  for us to do safely and honestly and that it wont mess up what we have. As I told him. If I had to choose between monogamy forever or messing up what we have, it wouldn't even be a choice in my mind, all other men would become faint blurs on the edge of my vision. And, because I know he feels the same way, we can add a little dash of this and that to our sex life and not risk what we are to each other.

I enjoy watching him have pleasure. Whether it's from me or another woman doesn't matter. I love him and hence his enjoyment alone brings me pleasure, and he is the same way. He knows I am going home with him at the end of the night, so why not be able to watch a live porn acted out in front of his eyes with the woman he loves as the star ... he's always had voyeuristic tendencies anyways! Lol.


Which is a good thing since the only way we will swing with anyone is after we get to know and like them as people. We totally understand if people only want a bedroom based relationship (and we don't think it's wrong in the slightest - just doesn't work for us). We are up front and honest with people from the get-go and tell them that we don't put out on the first date, and maybe not even the 2nd or 3rd. We give people the chance to back out because of this friendship first arrangement. If we meet them in person, then it's with the understanding that we all will spend numerous nights getting to know each other before anything more then a goodnight kiss occurs. We feel that the only way any of this will work is if everyone is honest and on the same page. So, we are very sure to lay it all out before meeting anyone.

Now given this approach of ours, we assume that we will avoid situations like what ended up happening many times to me the last time I was in this life. BUT it has happened to us. We have met many decent people who we've become friends with over the past few months. We have met a few absolutely awesome couples that we are enjoying getting to know and creating a friendship with in addition to all the benefits that we're enjoying as well. Two couples in particular we've become really good friends with and enjoy them in and out of the bedroom. 

One couple in particular I would like to gripe about for a minute and to use as an example of things NOT to do when getting into swinging. These people... we shall call them John and Mary... got the usual lecture from us before even a few minutes of chatting had gone by online (weeks ago). They knew we wouldn't meet til we got a feel for them, and we wouldn't hook up for at least a few face-to-face meetings had occurred.


Even after hearing all this, they continued to chat with us and flirt with us and talked about how awesome it was to meet people who actually wanted to be friends with them and not just get into their pants. It seemed like a promising start to a fun friendship. The only thing that made my man pause was how John would chat him up first thing in the morning and want to know intimate details about me and my pussy.

Anyways, the other night we decided to meet up with them for dinner. We figured it would be a safe time to meet since they "were in town anyways" for a football game that started at 7pm. So, we had a sure excuse to leave after an hour in case we didn't like them. Well, we didn't like them. John in particular was a total redneck creep. His pictures may have technically been him, but they did not show the dirtiness, rudeness, or the sausage like fingers that tried to grope me under the table. He had all the sex appeal of a "funny uncle" who will someday get caught on that "how to catch a predator" show. I cannot describe the deep instinctual shudders that ran through me after less then five minutes in his presence. But, since this scene is about only casual sex, and I claim not to be a shallow person, I didn't run screaming from the restaurant and attempted to give him a chance to have a winning personality or at least some kind of redeeming quality that would make me forget about the creep-factor.

It just went from bad to worse, but since we are decent people, we were friendly and fun and maybe a little more flirty then we should have been. We stood in the parking lot and chatted as I constantly edged further and further away from him as he tried to hone in on my personal space. They claimed their football game didn't actually start until 7:30pm now and that they didn't mind being late to it. We finally managed to make our excuses and got away from them. As we were waxing miserable about them in the car home, they called us and wanted to know if they could come over because they really enjoyed us and wanted to spend more time with us and even wanted to skip their football game (which was their whole reason for being in town in the first place) in order to be with us that night. We claimed tiredness and promised to get back to them by the end of the weekend.


Well, we sent them a very polite email within 24 hours which read: 

"Hey there! Thanks for meeting us last night. We appreciated the conversations and friendliness! For the sake of honesty, we wanted to let you know that we don't think that it will work for us in the swinging sense - the chemistry wasn't there, at least on our side. If you guys are OK with friendship, we would be cool with hanging out again sometime. Again, we enjoyed the company. Hope you have a good rest of the weekend!"

Then we got the following response: 

"your obviusly the new guys at this. there wasnt any chemistry there 4 us toward u.but we was going try to give it a shot.Good luck finding what your looking for . to be honest it will be hard for you to find any people that will play ur dum game of lets hang out till we feel like we want to have sex. most people dont have time to play the gettin 2 b friends game . we were willin to try it 4 you but no more.we dont want u guys anyways i do wish you well in finding what your looking for"

Well, at least he wished us luck, Lol. Come to find out, John has a horrible reputation in the local scene of being a total creep. I started talking to some of the other women I've gotten to know this time around in the lifestyle and they backed me up about him- which made me feel at least a little better. Apparently he has an uncircumcised  micro-penis with head cheese and only manages to keep Mary around because he swings with her (and allows her to swing without him). He did the same thing to keep his ex-wife and they eventually had to drive up to 6-8 hours away to meet couples who would actually meet them and they have never had a second actual sex swinging night with anyone because he is THAT bad. SO I've compiled a list of things we've learned from them:

• Don't constantly ask another man about his wife/gf's pussy if you claim to want to try and be friends.
• Don't come up with bogus reasons to be in the area near the people you want to swing with, otherwise they will find out that you've lied and then you've blown your first impression.
• Don't come to a first date dressed in too tight jeans and a black t-shirt with satanic symbols all over it. 
• Dont talk about planning to beat up your kids and their friends on a first date. 
• Don't eat 4 plates of chinese buffet and spill it all over yourself on a first date. 
• Don't stare at the cleavage of the female half of the couple you're meeting for the first time constantly to the point of NEVER meeting her eyes in a 90 minute time span. 
• Don't put your hands on the female unless her man invites you to.
• Don't act like you can't get enough of the couple and cant wait to have them if you plan to have sour grapes about the fact that they aren't into you. 
• Don't say you're ok with a friendship when you obviously are only into notching your bedpost. 
• Don't try to get in someone's pants when you have nothing to offer in yours (cleanliness and SKILLS count as something - at least have those).
• Don't send emails to couples that can be made fun of on SO many levels.   

 Don't come out of the Deliverance movie, period...

 

Being at Eye to Pussy Level - Front Row at a Strip Club

I don't know what I expected when we went to the strip club last weekend.After all the complaining my male friends have done over the years about how aloof dancing girls are and how strict clubs can be about the men so much as thinking about touching the girls, I guess I thought it was more of a performance - more in line with the shows in vegas where the girls are untouchable actresses WAY out of reach of every audience member.

That was not the case, at this strip club at least. I saw more naked female pussies and asses in the span of two hours or so then I have seen in my entire life put together (outside of porn)!

Now, after reading some of my blogs, you might have the mistaken impression that I've "been there done that" with everything sexual; far from it. Actually, up until this past weekend, I had never been to a strip club before. I decided a long while ago that it was time to change this fact, but for one reason or another, we haven't gone to one until this past Friday night. "We" in this case is my boyfriend and I. We've been together for two years. We are happy, in love, and have never fought; I mean, we have never even said a cross word to each other. We don't raise our voices, don't get under each others skins, and rarely even disagree, even on small things like what restaurant to go to for dinner (we always seem to be in the mood for Mexican, Lol). It's awesome.

I mention our lack of ever conflicting over activity plans that to say this - when I mentioned I wanted him to take me with him to a strip club, as usual, he agreed that it was a great idea without hesitation (tho I realize that the fact that he is male may have had something to do with that too).

We've been flirting with the idea of seeking out a threesome and/or another couple to have some adult playtime with, and after talking about it with him, going to a strip club seemed like a good first step to prove to him that I am comfortable being around naked females. He knows that I am not bi-sexual. I may be somewhat bi-curious (especially on the occasion that a Catherine Zeta Jones movie is on TV - she's my girl crush... YUMMY), BUT I do not have any desire to (a.) be alone with a woman in bed or (b.) actually date a female. Women are way too complicated and too confusing to even think about being around full-time (I'm female, so I am allowed to say that, Lol). Heck, I don't even enjoy majority of the females I've ever met on even just a friendship level (I'd estimate 80% of women are the type I can't be friends with).

I knew that the past years of hearing me deny any sort of bisexuality had to be overcome before my man would believe that I am interested in threesomes and moresomes. SO... one of the many reasons I really wanted to go to a strip club was that it was a good way to prove that I enjoyed watching and being around the naked female body. However, I enjoy cock too much to ever even think about giving it up by permanently switching to dating or sleeping with one of the species that lacks that body appendage.

 .We rounded up our go-to friend - you know the one - all couples have that certain friend/couple that they call whenever they want to make plans to do anything. Well, we hang out with him regularly - watching movies, going to the shooting range to target practice, I do his hair up in Jamaican braids monthly, we have BBQs, ect... (and, in our case, he is a previous swinging partner of mine when I was dating a previous bf - since my man and him get along so well, if we can find a single female for him, he's on our short-list to be a player in the aforementioned threesomes and moresomes).

Anyways, we called him up regarding the strip club plan for the evening, and of course, being male, he was more then willing to come with us... I think he said something to the effect of "titties? hell yeah, I'm in!"

Of course, I did my typical OCD thing and called ahead to the strip club to make sure they were open (on a Friday night) and to see if there was a dress code and what the rules of the club were ... I'm a stickler for rules (in public, hehe) and wanted to make sure my first experience at a strip club wasn't my last because I got kicked out for something retarded - like wearing a hat, or certain clothes - apparently there is a big problem with street gang activity in Princeton, WV (*said sarcastically*), and they all shop the same stores, so they have banned wearing certain brand names in the club). Once I'd satisfied that side of my personality, we drove an hour to Southern Xposure in Princeton, WV.

I loved it! Anyone who's been in my house knows that I have the naked female body as artwork and decoration all over the place. I think we are simply beautiful. And, I realized that the strip club is an outlet where I can watch nude female bodies purposefully being extra sexy and beautiful with no pressure. Each girl danced to three songs; one in a costume, one in just a g-string and highheels, and the final dance completely naked except for the heels. There were about eight girls working the night we were there, plus the "special performer" of the night who was a traveling stripper and porn actress named Brandy May (who's website is linked to her name). We were there to watch a full cycle - one three-song routine for each girl working, and then a repeat of a couple girls. We also watched Brandy's show. She brought a local DJ, the Big Johnson, up on stage since it was his birthday, and she made him strip to the waist and pretend to be a bucking bronco while she used a belt as a collar and leash and rode him while "trying" to stay on - it gave a whole new meaning to the term "bareback."

I have never been so, ummm, eye-to-pussy with a female before! A couple of the dancers had their clit hoods pierced, and all of the dancers were clean shaven - babybutt bald. Watching them dance was a definite turn on for both me and my man (and our friend enjoyed it too of course, and he headed off to the private room a couple times during the evening).  The girls would dance as if they were having "air sex" and seemed to really enjoy the fact that I was female and I was tipping.

I didn't know that the dancers could get so close to the audience! Since I was in the front row and the stage was elevated, there were numerous times when, if I had stuck my tongue out at the dancer, I would have gotten her off...

I love this blog and wanted to share!

I loved this blog!

Dirty Sex and Monogamy Is Lame, by Kiera (NSFW)

And, commented as such:

"I view sex the same way you do – it’s refreshing to know there are other women out there that think sex is awesome in and of itself!

I loved where you likened sex to hugs with your friends. Humans need to touch and be touched. I constantly crave the feel of a man’s body, hands and cock touching me, cuddling me, fucking me. I only ever actually “crave” the physical closeness of cock, and never have craved emotional closeness (that being said I have been dating a man I absolutely love for two years and we are open to others in our bedroom).

YES, you haven’t met the right guys yet. For years I “dated” an average of 3-5 cocks at a time and added new ones and weeded out the ones that didn’t work for me on a monthly basis. All of these men knew I wasn’t monogamous to them, and all of them LOVED the fact that I was a no-strings, sexually confident woman. Amazingly enough even tho I just wanted them for their cock, many of these men I grew to be very close friends – some I still consider among my best friends.

So, I definitely don’t think it’s being selfish, a greedy cock hoarder, lazy, or emotionally insensitive at all. As long as you are honest with the men you play with, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having your cock and eating it too!"

Sexual Map

Find out where I've journeyed on the Map of Human Sexuality!

Click the link above to sees my map of sexual experiences and fantasies. Check it out and let me know if you want me to write about anything that I've marked. I had fun filling this out. I have a lot more green (Tried and Liked) then I thought I would as I thought about each fetish and experience. Yet, I still have more purple (Want to try) then green. I didn't mark anything as un-liked; sex is like pizza after all! However, there are quite a few of those green dots that I wouldn't rush to try again - especially since there are so many purples dots yet to experience.

Also, you should fill one out yourself. It's a fun little exercise to see where you stand in the realm of kinkiness. Post the link to your saved map in a comment on this blog, so we can compare notes :-)

Or you can purchase the copy of the poster ... HERE ...

"Dear Kate" - Spanking the Monkey

Dear Kate,

I know that masturbating is a sin. But, I just can’t seem to help myself. What can I do to stop these evil urges?

Sincerely,

Sinning for Pleasure

Dear Sinning for Pleasure,

The only way I know of to stop those urges is to die – good luck with that.

Sincerely,

Kate

Dear Kate,

I am a happily married woman. I would never think of cheating on my husband. But, there was this really hot waiter at the restaurant yesterday and I went home and had a nice ummm “bubblebath” with him in my head. Now I feel horrible. Was that really cheating?

Sincerely,

Mental Cheater

Dear Mental Cheater,

You told me you are a happily married woman… you didn’t say anything about going blind. Imagination is god’s gift to the monogamous person.

Sincerely,

Kate

Dear Kate,

My girlfriend and I have an active sex life, I honestly can’t complain. However, I still like to have some “me times” occasionally. My g/f pitched a bitch fit the other day when she walked in on me. She told me that if I was honestly in love with her and satisfied with her that I wouldn’t ever want to do “that dirty thing.” Am I really supposed to choose between my girlfriend and my hand?

Sincerely,

Torn

Dear Torn,

Well, I doubt this is the first time the topic has come up so why did you let your oversensitive g/f catch you? You say you have an active sex life and yet your g/f considers masturbation dirty? She might have bigger issues then you’re letting on. Tell her that sex is like a restaurant. Just because you order a salad from time to time doesn’t mean you honestly prefer it over the Filet Mignon.

Sincerely,

Kate

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I have to say. People are very very screwed up when it comes to self-love. I have honestly talked to many people (mostly religious ones) who think that getting yourself off is a sin paramount to sex before marriage. Basically these types of people expect everyone who isn’t married to have no sexuality whatsoever. It’s a fear thing. If you can please yourself, then you aren't as driven to finding a mate (the only moral sex partner). And, then it follows that if you aren’t working on finding a mate then you aren’t making rugrats that can be brainwashed into thinking that they have to find a mate before mating. Geez.

Religion is the greatest form of social control invented. I honestly cannot understand how my own pastors' (and even parents) justified preaching at me that masturbation is something that a person should feel guilty about. Even when I try to look at it from a conservatively religious viewpoint - didn’t their god create everything? So aren’t these “urges” that well up inside a person from their god?

I think that it’s a great thing when a person is able to "take care of" themselves. There would be a lot fewer STDs going around if casual “hook up” sex" was forgone and replaced with pleasuring yourself. Why don't they see that it would be a safer, saner practice to teach people ways to fulfill their “urges” outside of marriage rather then expecting them to not have any desire until their wedding day? Its completely unrealistic and its creating more problems then it's ever helped end. It is just not right to try and force human beings to become choir boys and sunday school girls all because of fear of losing control over them. Certain religions focus on keeping people feeling guilty enough to keep coming back to the church for absolution. How messed up is that?

I would be in SO much trouble if the average person (even those who think they know me) knew half the things that went through my head in an average day: sexual fantasies notwithstanding. Everyone’s imagination is different - mine is very vivid and active. The average person can and does fantasize about any one that crosses their path. It is not cheating to think about someone other then your chosen mate during masturbation or sex.

Now if you let those fantasies take control of your mind and/or life then you have a problem. If you let it get to the point that you “have” to have that someone you’ve been imagining about you need to learn to let it go. You have to be able to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Just because the garden boy is a awesome lover in your bubblebath fantasy that doesn’t mean that he is worth pursuing. Just because that waitress looks like the star of your favorite porn vid doesn’t mean that you should pursue her in expectation of her sex being like your fantasy.

I meet so many women (in general it is just women with this sexual problem) who seem to feel that if they so much as think about another man they might as well have fucked him. They hate that their man watches porn because they are jealous of the porn star getting any of their man’s attention. Females need to understand that what goes on in someone’s mind is just that, going on in their mind… it has nothing to do with their actions. Their actions prove what their mind has decided. If your lover is true to you and you are faithful to your partner then you have nothing to worry about if you occasionally have an incredible orgasm because of the man who washed your car for you that day.

I will put the caveat in here that unless you are very secure in your relationship and you and your partner are very open with each other, you should probably keep all mental images to yourself. No one wants to feel replaced or second best in your life. Unless you have the type of relationship that allows for that level of honesty you should keep your words to your partner in line with your actions not your fantasies – there is no need to tell your partner that you broke the dildo because the waiter got you all hot and bothered at lunch.

Guys and jacking off; I’ve harped on this before but seriously get over it already. Because men are such physical creatures be glad that they are happy to get themselves off sometimes instead of expecting you to do it five times a day. Almost every married woman I know absolutely hates the fact that her man might do himself once in awhile instead of doing her (even in marriages that she’s only receptive to him doing her Friday nights at 11pm). Even when I am in a relationship with a loving man and have no complaints about our sex life, both of us still enjoy pleasing ourselves sometimes.

There is no reason to think that masturbation is going to replace sex in your relationship. Unless your man has serious issues he will always still prefer you to his hand. But, I don’t know a woman alive who wants to have sex as often as a man wants to masturbate. I’ve talked to many guys about the topic and the average number of times that a man masturbates is 15-20 times a week (even when in a relationship). That’s 2-3 times a day! I would be rubbed raw if I had sex 2-3 times a day for any number of days in a row! Thank God he has his hand!!!

Getting off for the sake of getting off is not an interest to me. Maybe that’s the basis for the difference in men and women. Orgasms aren’t really that important to women. Men won’t believe that, but they aren’t. We’d much rather have a good man who keeps us satisfied outside of the bedroom and with whom we merely enjoy sex with then a careless insensitive man but who gives us awesome orgasms. Most women would seriously rather paint thier toenails and read a book then have routine, rote sex for twenty minutes before rolling to face the wall and going to sleep. BOOOOORRRRING. Sex should be, at least, fun. Since it’s the man who wants to have sex more often (in most cases), it's up to him to keep it fun.

That’s the main difference – Men want sex for an orgasm, so they easily get that orgasm from their hand. Women want an experience, so they don’t always grasp the purely physical side of sex that a man craves. Its natural to please yourself even when you're honestly and sincerely satisfied with your relationship’s sex life.

It's all in your point of view...

This is a breakdown of how the gender's view a first date. Obviously, I am not a man, so I'm guessing on his view, but from all the conversations I've had with men, I'm fairly confident that it's accurate for 90% of the men out there... Enjoy...
_________________________________________________________

She’s so nervous. This is their first time going out on a date. What if he doesn’t like her? What should she wear? What if the conversation lags? She spends an hour (easily) getting herself ready. She tries on four outfits, minimum. Even her perfume choice is thought out carefully as to what message it might send to him. This might as well be a job interview. Will this lead to her happily ever after? Is he going to be her white knight? Will her last name change soon?

6pm comes and goes and he hasn’t shown up. She assumes he is standing her up. Where could he be? What is wrong with her that he doesn’t like her? How could she have screwed this up before it even got started? Oh man, was it because I said yes to the date too quickly? Did I come across as desperate?  Oh there is he… well its about damn time- doesn’t he understand how stressful this is? Being more then 10 minutes late requires a phone call, Mr. Right Now.

Ok, smile. He’s coming to the door. Small talk commences. She tries to consciously let go of the fact that he is late and shrugs away his excuse telling him it doesn’t matter- but mentally puts a check on the con side of the “keep him around” list.  She smiles and congratulates herself on choosing the right shirt as she catches him glancing down her blouse. And, puts a check in the pro column as he doesn’t ogle her or become creepy about the attention to her cleavage. He gets another pro check for wearing a collared unwrinkled shirt.

They get in his car and he turns on the radio. What did she do now? Why doesn’t he want to talk anymore? Does he really have to drown me out this soon? This will never last. Who actually doesn’t want to talk on a first date? What the hell is he listening to anyways? Doesn’t he care that anyone outside of angry emo kids actually like this kind of music? As they speed up, he turns the music up. She sits in silence- making another check in the con list.

Well, really! She told him to pick the restaurant, but this is just plain cheap. Who brings someone here on a first date? Oh well, free meal from this man and then we can move on to actually finding her Knight. Is he seriously ordering light beer?  How tacky is that? Small talk continues. He is easy to chat with… put that in the pro column. He shovels food in with both elbows on the table and talks with his mouth full… con column.

He seriously doesn’t have anything planned after supper? No movie, no play, no plan? Is this all the effort he will put into a date with me? He wants to come hang out with me? Well, I guess that’s ok. He did pay for supper after all… we can watch a movie at my place.

They head back to her place. He’s playing that lousy music again. Does he seriously need directions? He just drove to my place 90 minutes ago. Put forgetful in the con column. He doesn’t seem too interested in watching a movie, he has no opinion on what to watch. He is the guest in my home, of course I’m not going to choose what to watch. Well, this is getting awkward. Fine. He won’t choose then I will pick something I want to watch. Here it is… cheesy romance. Watch this movie closely, buddy, you might learn some things.

Two hours sitting in silence at opposite ends of the couch. Fun times. At least he was acting like he enjoyed the movie, check on the pro column. All right. Now the dance to get him out of the house with nothing more then a good night kiss. Turn off the movie and remain standing… that’s right, Romeo, take the hint and stand up too. I’m walking towards the door, follow me. This way, cutie, follow the nice lady’s boobs. Men are so simple. He does have a nice butt, put that in the pro column.

Alright. Tell him it was nice to meet him. Open the screen door and let him out… follow him out. Ok, give him the ok signs. There ya go. Mmmm he does kiss well. Well, a make-out session would be ok, since I won’t be seeing him again.

Is he seriously reaching for the door handle behind me? What a jerk? He thinks that a good kiss gets him invited to bed? Push him away. Goodbye, don’t call me!

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And, inside the man's head, here is how he is viewing that same first date…

I should really throw on that shirt mom bought me last Christmas that’s been hanging in my closet for a month. Cut these damn tags off, who likes these things anyways. If I was a sports star I would pay someone to cut all the tags off my shirts. Ok. What time was I supposed to be there again? 6pm or 6:30pm? Oh well, split the difference. 6:15 works. Brush my teeth, run a comb thru my hair. Ok lets go. I wonder if I am going to get laid tonight?

I love this song! Don’t really like this cd but this song rocks! Am I seriously at her place already? I wonder if I’ll get laid tonight. That would rock! Have to remember to finish listening this song when we get in the car. Nice house, nice yard. Is she going to be high maintenance?

She seems a little perturbed at me, but she says nothings wrong lets go with that. Wow look at those boobs. Nice shirt choice, maybe I will get laid tonight!

I love this song! She’s doesn’t seem really into talking I guess I will finish the song. I’m glad I’m going out with a chick that’s ok with just listening to music. This restaurant is awesome, happy hour lasts til 8pm and the fries are homemade! She is easy to talk to, I enjoy being with her. She doesn’t even care that I ordered beer on a first date. Good signs. And that cleavage is… WOW. I don’t think she would wear a shirt like that if I wasn’t getting laid tonight would she?

Score for me! I’m invited back to her place tonight. Why is she making a big deal over the movie? It really doesn’t matter what we watch this is just a segway to bed. Put something in already. Oh god. I can’t believe she’s putting in a romance movie. Well, points for me if I can make her think I’m enjoying it.

Boring. Do chicks really get into this? Why is she sitting over there? Can I move closer? This is only a first date. Geez, I hope I get laid after watching this BS.

Ok movie over, move in for the goodnight kiss. Why is she standing? Ok, I guess she wants me to go. Well, here’s the front stoop. NOW she wants a kiss… make her want it. Give her a taste of what she’s missing out on. She is really into this kissing thing. Lets take this back inside.

Shit. Not tonight I guess. We had such a great time. There will always be date two to try for it again!

"Dear Kate" - She left me with my dick hanging out...

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