Swinging Horrors, Take One.

My man is an awesome chef. He does most of the cooking  around our house. His specialty is Mexican food - burritos, fajitas, tacos, enchiladas, etc... So I said this to him... "Hun, you know that even tho I love your Mexican food, and I absolutely LOVE when you cook fajitas for me, we both still enjoy going to El Gran Rodeo occasionally right? So what do you think about taking the same approach to our sex life?"

And... now my man and I have been doing the swinging thing for a few months! 

It's been, well, an experience to say the least. This is my second foray into the world of swinging and his first - although we've both had numerous casual and exotic relationships before. He's had many many threesomes as have I, and I've had many foursomes and moresomes. He's dated strippers and whores and been a pimp and a gigolo. I've had masters and slaves, I've had a sugar daddy and been the nympho in many relationships.

I could tell you stories upon stories of the first time a man and I tried swinging, and most of them would make you cringe rather then cum. So many people in this type of life are only in it for themselves. They are only in it because they aren't happy with their partner. Their attitude is more along the lines of "my lover sucks, in the bad way, so why don't I foist him off on some random girl while I get to fuck someone new and hopefully better then my own guy in bed, and if he is at all worth it I will then try to steal the new better lover away from his current relationship"(and of course that happens with both genders, not just women).

All that said, this is the first time and first relationship that either my man or I have been in that we cared SO much about our partner and yet still wanted to try opening up the bedroom to others. I actually kind of find it ironic that one of the only men that I've dated who is completely happy with just me and just monogamy is one of the few that I'm trying to convert into a swinger... Other men and other relationships have been rocky from the start and I wouldn't even think of broaching the concept with them - because they would take the conversation me giving them carte blanc to go fuck anything that moves behind my back (which many of them did anyways).

I think that perhaps it is BECAUSE my man and I are SO stable and secure in our monogamy that we feel free to explore some different spices to add to our relationship. It is because I trust him completely with my heart, soul and body, that I trust that I can give him other women to play with and know that it won't end up in cheating and it wont be difficult  for us to do safely and honestly and that it wont mess up what we have. As I told him. If I had to choose between monogamy forever or messing up what we have, it wouldn't even be a choice in my mind, all other men would become faint blurs on the edge of my vision. And, because I know he feels the same way, we can add a little dash of this and that to our sex life and not risk what we are to each other.

I enjoy watching him have pleasure. Whether it's from me or another woman doesn't matter. I love him and hence his enjoyment alone brings me pleasure, and he is the same way. He knows I am going home with him at the end of the night, so why not be able to watch a live porn acted out in front of his eyes with the woman he loves as the star ... he's always had voyeuristic tendencies anyways! Lol.


Which is a good thing since the only way we will swing with anyone is after we get to know and like them as people. We totally understand if people only want a bedroom based relationship (and we don't think it's wrong in the slightest - just doesn't work for us). We are up front and honest with people from the get-go and tell them that we don't put out on the first date, and maybe not even the 2nd or 3rd. We give people the chance to back out because of this friendship first arrangement. If we meet them in person, then it's with the understanding that we all will spend numerous nights getting to know each other before anything more then a goodnight kiss occurs. We feel that the only way any of this will work is if everyone is honest and on the same page. So, we are very sure to lay it all out before meeting anyone.

Now given this approach of ours, we assume that we will avoid situations like what ended up happening many times to me the last time I was in this life. BUT it has happened to us. We have met many decent people who we've become friends with over the past few months. We have met a few absolutely awesome couples that we are enjoying getting to know and creating a friendship with in addition to all the benefits that we're enjoying as well. Two couples in particular we've become really good friends with and enjoy them in and out of the bedroom. 

One couple in particular I would like to gripe about for a minute and to use as an example of things NOT to do when getting into swinging. These people... we shall call them John and Mary... got the usual lecture from us before even a few minutes of chatting had gone by online (weeks ago). They knew we wouldn't meet til we got a feel for them, and we wouldn't hook up for at least a few face-to-face meetings had occurred.


Even after hearing all this, they continued to chat with us and flirt with us and talked about how awesome it was to meet people who actually wanted to be friends with them and not just get into their pants. It seemed like a promising start to a fun friendship. The only thing that made my man pause was how John would chat him up first thing in the morning and want to know intimate details about me and my pussy.

Anyways, the other night we decided to meet up with them for dinner. We figured it would be a safe time to meet since they "were in town anyways" for a football game that started at 7pm. So, we had a sure excuse to leave after an hour in case we didn't like them. Well, we didn't like them. John in particular was a total redneck creep. His pictures may have technically been him, but they did not show the dirtiness, rudeness, or the sausage like fingers that tried to grope me under the table. He had all the sex appeal of a "funny uncle" who will someday get caught on that "how to catch a predator" show. I cannot describe the deep instinctual shudders that ran through me after less then five minutes in his presence. But, since this scene is about only casual sex, and I claim not to be a shallow person, I didn't run screaming from the restaurant and attempted to give him a chance to have a winning personality or at least some kind of redeeming quality that would make me forget about the creep-factor.

It just went from bad to worse, but since we are decent people, we were friendly and fun and maybe a little more flirty then we should have been. We stood in the parking lot and chatted as I constantly edged further and further away from him as he tried to hone in on my personal space. They claimed their football game didn't actually start until 7:30pm now and that they didn't mind being late to it. We finally managed to make our excuses and got away from them. As we were waxing miserable about them in the car home, they called us and wanted to know if they could come over because they really enjoyed us and wanted to spend more time with us and even wanted to skip their football game (which was their whole reason for being in town in the first place) in order to be with us that night. We claimed tiredness and promised to get back to them by the end of the weekend.


Well, we sent them a very polite email within 24 hours which read: 

"Hey there! Thanks for meeting us last night. We appreciated the conversations and friendliness! For the sake of honesty, we wanted to let you know that we don't think that it will work for us in the swinging sense - the chemistry wasn't there, at least on our side. If you guys are OK with friendship, we would be cool with hanging out again sometime. Again, we enjoyed the company. Hope you have a good rest of the weekend!"

Then we got the following response: 

"your obviusly the new guys at this. there wasnt any chemistry there 4 us toward u.but we was going try to give it a shot.Good luck finding what your looking for . to be honest it will be hard for you to find any people that will play ur dum game of lets hang out till we feel like we want to have sex. most people dont have time to play the gettin 2 b friends game . we were willin to try it 4 you but no more.we dont want u guys anyways i do wish you well in finding what your looking for"

Well, at least he wished us luck, Lol. Come to find out, John has a horrible reputation in the local scene of being a total creep. I started talking to some of the other women I've gotten to know this time around in the lifestyle and they backed me up about him- which made me feel at least a little better. Apparently he has an uncircumcised  micro-penis with head cheese and only manages to keep Mary around because he swings with her (and allows her to swing without him). He did the same thing to keep his ex-wife and they eventually had to drive up to 6-8 hours away to meet couples who would actually meet them and they have never had a second actual sex swinging night with anyone because he is THAT bad. SO I've compiled a list of things we've learned from them:

• Don't constantly ask another man about his wife/gf's pussy if you claim to want to try and be friends.
• Don't come up with bogus reasons to be in the area near the people you want to swing with, otherwise they will find out that you've lied and then you've blown your first impression.
• Don't come to a first date dressed in too tight jeans and a black t-shirt with satanic symbols all over it. 
• Dont talk about planning to beat up your kids and their friends on a first date. 
• Don't eat 4 plates of chinese buffet and spill it all over yourself on a first date. 
• Don't stare at the cleavage of the female half of the couple you're meeting for the first time constantly to the point of NEVER meeting her eyes in a 90 minute time span. 
• Don't put your hands on the female unless her man invites you to.
• Don't act like you can't get enough of the couple and cant wait to have them if you plan to have sour grapes about the fact that they aren't into you. 
• Don't say you're ok with a friendship when you obviously are only into notching your bedpost. 
• Don't try to get in someone's pants when you have nothing to offer in yours (cleanliness and SKILLS count as something - at least have those).
• Don't send emails to couples that can be made fun of on SO many levels.   

 Don't come out of the Deliverance movie, period...

 

It's all in your point of view...

This is a breakdown of how the gender's view a first date. Obviously, I am not a man, so I'm guessing on his view, but from all the conversations I've had with men, I'm fairly confident that it's accurate for 90% of the men out there... Enjoy...
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She’s so nervous. This is their first time going out on a date. What if he doesn’t like her? What should she wear? What if the conversation lags? She spends an hour (easily) getting herself ready. She tries on four outfits, minimum. Even her perfume choice is thought out carefully as to what message it might send to him. This might as well be a job interview. Will this lead to her happily ever after? Is he going to be her white knight? Will her last name change soon?

6pm comes and goes and he hasn’t shown up. She assumes he is standing her up. Where could he be? What is wrong with her that he doesn’t like her? How could she have screwed this up before it even got started? Oh man, was it because I said yes to the date too quickly? Did I come across as desperate?  Oh there is he… well its about damn time- doesn’t he understand how stressful this is? Being more then 10 minutes late requires a phone call, Mr. Right Now.

Ok, smile. He’s coming to the door. Small talk commences. She tries to consciously let go of the fact that he is late and shrugs away his excuse telling him it doesn’t matter- but mentally puts a check on the con side of the “keep him around” list.  She smiles and congratulates herself on choosing the right shirt as she catches him glancing down her blouse. And, puts a check in the pro column as he doesn’t ogle her or become creepy about the attention to her cleavage. He gets another pro check for wearing a collared unwrinkled shirt.

They get in his car and he turns on the radio. What did she do now? Why doesn’t he want to talk anymore? Does he really have to drown me out this soon? This will never last. Who actually doesn’t want to talk on a first date? What the hell is he listening to anyways? Doesn’t he care that anyone outside of angry emo kids actually like this kind of music? As they speed up, he turns the music up. She sits in silence- making another check in the con list.

Well, really! She told him to pick the restaurant, but this is just plain cheap. Who brings someone here on a first date? Oh well, free meal from this man and then we can move on to actually finding her Knight. Is he seriously ordering light beer?  How tacky is that? Small talk continues. He is easy to chat with… put that in the pro column. He shovels food in with both elbows on the table and talks with his mouth full… con column.

He seriously doesn’t have anything planned after supper? No movie, no play, no plan? Is this all the effort he will put into a date with me? He wants to come hang out with me? Well, I guess that’s ok. He did pay for supper after all… we can watch a movie at my place.

They head back to her place. He’s playing that lousy music again. Does he seriously need directions? He just drove to my place 90 minutes ago. Put forgetful in the con column. He doesn’t seem too interested in watching a movie, he has no opinion on what to watch. He is the guest in my home, of course I’m not going to choose what to watch. Well, this is getting awkward. Fine. He won’t choose then I will pick something I want to watch. Here it is… cheesy romance. Watch this movie closely, buddy, you might learn some things.

Two hours sitting in silence at opposite ends of the couch. Fun times. At least he was acting like he enjoyed the movie, check on the pro column. All right. Now the dance to get him out of the house with nothing more then a good night kiss. Turn off the movie and remain standing… that’s right, Romeo, take the hint and stand up too. I’m walking towards the door, follow me. This way, cutie, follow the nice lady’s boobs. Men are so simple. He does have a nice butt, put that in the pro column.

Alright. Tell him it was nice to meet him. Open the screen door and let him out… follow him out. Ok, give him the ok signs. There ya go. Mmmm he does kiss well. Well, a make-out session would be ok, since I won’t be seeing him again.

Is he seriously reaching for the door handle behind me? What a jerk? He thinks that a good kiss gets him invited to bed? Push him away. Goodbye, don’t call me!

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And, inside the man's head, here is how he is viewing that same first date…

I should really throw on that shirt mom bought me last Christmas that’s been hanging in my closet for a month. Cut these damn tags off, who likes these things anyways. If I was a sports star I would pay someone to cut all the tags off my shirts. Ok. What time was I supposed to be there again? 6pm or 6:30pm? Oh well, split the difference. 6:15 works. Brush my teeth, run a comb thru my hair. Ok lets go. I wonder if I am going to get laid tonight?

I love this song! Don’t really like this cd but this song rocks! Am I seriously at her place already? I wonder if I’ll get laid tonight. That would rock! Have to remember to finish listening this song when we get in the car. Nice house, nice yard. Is she going to be high maintenance?

She seems a little perturbed at me, but she says nothings wrong lets go with that. Wow look at those boobs. Nice shirt choice, maybe I will get laid tonight!

I love this song! She’s doesn’t seem really into talking I guess I will finish the song. I’m glad I’m going out with a chick that’s ok with just listening to music. This restaurant is awesome, happy hour lasts til 8pm and the fries are homemade! She is easy to talk to, I enjoy being with her. She doesn’t even care that I ordered beer on a first date. Good signs. And that cleavage is… WOW. I don’t think she would wear a shirt like that if I wasn’t getting laid tonight would she?

Score for me! I’m invited back to her place tonight. Why is she making a big deal over the movie? It really doesn’t matter what we watch this is just a segway to bed. Put something in already. Oh god. I can’t believe she’s putting in a romance movie. Well, points for me if I can make her think I’m enjoying it.

Boring. Do chicks really get into this? Why is she sitting over there? Can I move closer? This is only a first date. Geez, I hope I get laid after watching this BS.

Ok movie over, move in for the goodnight kiss. Why is she standing? Ok, I guess she wants me to go. Well, here’s the front stoop. NOW she wants a kiss… make her want it. Give her a taste of what she’s missing out on. She is really into this kissing thing. Lets take this back inside.

Shit. Not tonight I guess. We had such a great time. There will always be date two to try for it again!

Culturally Sexual Differences

Ok, now this whole incident is just plain wrong on so many levels. It was flattering and annoying and cute and obnoxious and interesting and unbelievable all at the same time.

I used to go over to my adopted grandparent’s house in Blacksburg fairly regularly and help them out with... well, whatever they need help with. They have a studio apartment in the basement that they rent out to whoever needs it. Their tenants are usually some pretty interesting characters. Especially since they are both extreme liberals and most of their friends fall under the hippie/activist personality type.

Well, anyways, they once rented the apartment to a man from the Republic of Benin, Africa. He was 32 years old, married, had two or three kids, and was here in the States alone for a couple months to do post-grad work at VT. He had the most adorable French-ish accent you can imagine. I met him for the first time over dinner on a typical Wednesday evening with the grandparents.

When, he held my hand for a second too long when he said hello, I wrote it off as his culture... I'd never met anyone actually from Africa before, but Latinos are notorious for having no personal space bubble, so it was a logical assumption on my part. He did the whole look-you-up-and-down thing that's so typically male that I just laughed at him. And, the entire greeting took all of five seconds so my grandparents didn't pick up on anything (honestly I wasn’t even sure that I was reading him correctly at the time).

He was cute, and sweet and talkative. The entire dinner was spent with him explaining his research project, and his country, and complimenting the jambalaya that I’d made. Nice guy. Nice accent. Though I had a hard time following what he was saying because I would get caught up in just listening to the rhythms of his speech – even nicer then Jamaican. He started playing with my camera phone after dinner and we ended up getting pictures of all of us. He asked me to email him the pictures later and so I agreed.

After I had helped the grandparents with some things around the house, I put the left over jambalaya in a dish and brought it down to Theo in his apartment so that I could get his email address and send him the pictures. He had changed clothes… now he was wearing just boxers and no shirt. But, he didn't seem to be embarrassed so I didn't say anything. If he could be cool, I could too. He pulled out a business card but didn't hand it to me.

Then he said, in his adorable accent, "Can I discuss something with you?" I agreed and smiled. He gestured to the chair that was facing his bed and then sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at me.

Now, if there is one thing I've learned from my many years of international travel and from being active with the international population at Virginia Tech is that internationals often have no clue how to behave in the US, and that other cultures are vastly different then our own. Hence the term “culture shock” has been invented. You have to take everything in stride when dealing with internationals. Anyways, I guess he was lucky that I am who I am and not some typical American girl … or worse a feminist.

He proceeded to ask if I would be his friend while he was here in the USA and take him out sometimes so he didn't have to sit in the apartment alone, and so that he could have discussions in English with me. I was getting an inkling of where this was going but I was trying to play dumb so I told him that of course I would be his friend and that we could go get coffee sometime and I would love to let him practice his English with me (and I was genuine, he is a nice friendly talkative guy who I wouldn't have minded spending some time with).

Then came the shocker…He reached out with both hands and grasped my wrists and looked me directly in the eyes from about 10 inches away and said "I find you very beautiful. Perhaps I can be… not husband, what is word? Boyfriend! Yes, you need a boyfriend?"

No, no, no, no, no! It was said so calmly and rationally that I wasn't sure I had understood him… maybe this man didn't know what the word boyfriend meant! I pointed at his wedding ring and told him that I couldn't do anything with him because his wife would hunt me down. This phrase apparently perplexed him. "Hunt me down?" he asked. "Yes." I replied firmly, "Your wife would come over here to America and…" I made the slitting gesture across my throat with my hand.

Now that he understood. He dropped my wrists, grabbed his own throat and looked at me in complete shock. "They, women, are allowed to do this here?" I told him that women aren't allowed to actually kill, but that in America wives don't allow their husbands to touch other women and that it would cause trouble in the relationship and would probably cause a divorce.

His retort? "Well, in my culture this is not the way it is. Man is allowed to have other girlfriends when he is married; we even have more than one wife. So, it is ok in my culture and you can be my girlfriend! Even if my wife were here she would say it was ok. Sex is good, and she is far away so she will understand… you like sex?"

I swear to you my jaw hit the floor. Now I am very open about everything regarding sex. But, never in my life have I had a completely serious, calm, rational discussion with a married man I’d met two hours before about why I could not be his girlfriend for two months.

So, I told him that yes I liked sex, but he had a wife and he was in MY culture right now and that in my culture that means that I cannot touch him. He was very logical, told me that since HE was the one that was married it was HIS culture that dictated what he could do in his relationship. He told me that he would take me back to Africa with him and I could see and then I could be his girlfriend. “AH, a way out” I thought. "Ok, Theo, if I come visit you in Africa and your wife tells me herself that she is ok with you having a girlfriend then maybe I will be."

And, saying that, I stood to leave. I was trying very hard to not leave him with the impression that all American women are frigid bitchs. The entire discussion lasted over thirty minutes. I seriously sat there and tried to explain for over a half hour why I was not going to take him on as a lover. I don't think he got it!

He went for a hug when I said that I had to leave. I am fine with hugs. Whatever. But, then he groped me like a horny highschool boy. Butt, waist, breasts… seriously took me a second to fight off the shock before I started struggling. I was also laughing the whole time; it was so incredible. And, him wearing only boxers, it was easy to tell that he was very, um, happy. He caught my wrists again and made sure I knew how happy he was. No, no, no, no. Anyways, I finally managed to un-entangle myself from him, and he had the nerve to ask me when I was coming again.

I was still shaking my head in incredulity but I said I’d be back the next week and that I would bring him some movies to borrow (we had talked about that earlier). He asked me if I was going to watch them with him. I told him only if he would behave. Apparently he didn't know the word "behave" so I tried- "be good." He told me he was good and would be very good for me.

I rolled my eyes at him… "I mean treat me like a friend and ONLY a friend. NOT a girlfriend." His reply and I shut the door in his face? "Ok, for now."

So, I'm sitting there a couple weeks later having further "discussions" with Theo, I'm wondering how many typical young women would be able to not run screaming from the room. Most of my peers would not have been comfortable with the conversation twists that occurred (not knocking my age group, just pointing out that intelligent American women are quite often not open to male viewpoints from other cultures).

Listening to him talk about gender roles in his culture, I couldn't decide if he is speaking from a ten-year old boys perspective or the perspective of someone still living in the 18th century. Perhaps both. For a very educated man, his views on gender and sexuality were quite backwards. Such statements as "Well, the woman does not need sex, but the man’s mental state is based on whether he gets to fuck regularly- it is all biological" seemed to be spouted off with complete certainty.

I asked him if it was ok for his wife to find a new lover while he was away, he told me "No". Quite simply, quite plainly, with a tone that told me he thought me quite absurd for even thinking to ask such a thing. He follows the different zip codes rule apparently. He doesn't sleep with any other women in the Republic of Benin, but anytime he is out of the country he takes on a lover or two – and the guy travels a lot.

He spent probably thirty minutes explaining to me the lessons that his friend's father would give them about how to please a woman- in graphic detail I might add- how he was taught that a man "must feel with his fingers to see if she is wet enough to fuck". Man oh man! I think I must have been blushing for about two hours straight. And, somehow listening to him say all this matter-of-factly in his fairly sexy French accent made it even more absurd to me somehow.

Apparently the only reason that a woman has a right to a divorce in his country is if her man is not a good lover, so much emphasis is placed on teaching boys what to do to keep her happy in bed (now there is a custom that should be adopted here). He didn’t seem to know that "sex" was the common word, he always just used fuck or fucking or fucked. He didn't know many of the words to explain himself in English, so he would point or gesture or touch.

One thing that totally baffled him was that I don't want children (this came about as a result of a discussion on condom use, of course). He simply couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to have a baby. "Babies are good for the world." "You can teach children to be like you and then you live forever." Which I assume was his way of describing a legacy. It confused him even more that "there are men in your culture who would be ok with marrying a woman who would not have a baby?" Babies are next to gods in his culture apparently.

It seems to be just the natural progression of things in his mind that you grow up, get married, and make babies. End of story, no other path to take. He finally tried to justify my weirdness in his head by saying that I "must have a big heart for helping everyone in the world and that I don't want to have to focus all helping energies on one baby when I feel should be helping lots of people", or some such mumbo jumbo. I let it slide.

He was always saying things like how he was drawn to curvy women, and how he knew right after meeting me that I was different then "most white women" he had met and that my "life spark reminded him of African woman from his country." He spent probably twenty minutes trying to explain that to me, and eventually I just nodded my implied agreement even though I still didn't really get what he meant.

I had to remind him several times throughout the evening that he had agreed to be only friends with me and not to try to be more then friends. He would nod and move on. And, then circle back to the subject twenty minutes later. One would think that I would have learned from last time that his hugs are not just hugs, but he had done so well throughout the evening of keeping his hands to himself that I made the mistake of assuming he was over it. So, the goodbye hug was just as horny-highschool-boy as last time. He was a bit on the scrawny side which was a good thing because if he were stronger, what was just laughable could have been dangerous.

However, he was very verbally clear that he still wanted to have me as his girlfriend. He even told me about a date he went on the “other night, where, being a man" he could tell she "just wanted him to fuck her." But apparently his "penis wasn't working with her." So he knows that he "wasn't supposed to fuck her, but” he knew that “it would work very well with Kate."

Flattering, disturbing, but flattering.

The worst thing is that I had to go back upstairs and say goodbye to the grandparents. I'm sure I was disheveled and blushing. They told me how nice it was that I was being nice to Theo, and that they were glad for him to have a friend closer to his age. And, that we should have him up for dinner next time I came over since he seemed to enjoy the company so much. I was still half giggling uncontrollably… "Yes, he certainly did seem to enjoy the company." And, I raced out of there.