Sunday, July 25, 2010

"Dear Kate" - She left me with my dick hanging out...

I received an email yesterday from one of my friends that I thought I would share so that I can get others opinions to pass along to him (yes, he knows and is fine with this). Here goes…

"I went on a date with someone new and after dinner I took her back to her apartment and tried to drop her off. I leaned in to give her a respectful goodnight kiss and she elevated it to a good old-fashioned make-out session. When I get home she called my cell and proceeded to have phone sex with me because I had “gotten her all hot and bothered.”

The next evening she calls and asks if I can come meet her. She hops in my car and we go to a park for another make-out session followed by an elevated level of petting-including hands under all clothes. The following day I went over to her place. She answers the door in her pajamas. I told her as we started she could take this as far as she wanted to and I wasn’t expecting anything. During the evening, she said she didn’t want to go all the way, but “oral gratification” would be ok in her book. So I go down on her and she "gets" hers.

We decided to take a break. I don’t know what happened, but she threw a switch in her head that she didn’t like the fact that our “relationship” was based solely on sex and nothing more. She pitched a fit and said that she didn’t feel comfortable getting me off now because of her new “revelation.” I said, “I can respect that”, got dressed, and left her on what were “ok“ terms (or so I thought).

I get home later that evening and have several messages on my home phone escalating to the point where she started blaming me for the whole situation and it was my fault and I had put her in a bad situation. Well, I call her and tell her that it was her calling me for phone sex and elevating every situation to be sexually oriented and ask her how she can blame me for any of this. She says it takes “two to tango” and that I should have read her “signals”.

This girl had put me in nothing but sexual situations with her for days and then I get left quite literally “holding my dick” and it’s my fault that I didn’t read the signs correctly?"
Wow! I can see how that is confusing. Ok... I will give you my take on the situation. I have to make it clear up front that I in NO way think she was right, decent, or sane in her behavior ... BUT, I think I can give you a little insight to her mental path here...

Women KNOW men want sex. Women KNOW that almost ANY man will sleep with them given half a chance (it’s a very empowering feeling). SO, it is up to the man to prove he isn't like all the others. By simply allowing the sexual-ness of the situation to elevate, you “showed” her that you are just like any other man who can be seduced by any woman that comes along.

What women want nowadays is a man who will do the holding off - a man who wants her for MORE then just her pussy AND proves that in his actions. When you meet a woman who you want more then just a physical thing with, it is (in this day and age) completely up to you to PROVE that you want more then sex - otherwise she will assume that you are like every other walking dick out there (said with the utmost respect for men, as I too enjoy casual sex as much if not more then the average man).

Personally, I'm ashamed to admit, I've played a version of this game ... "this man says he is interested in more then just my pussy, but lets see if he lives by that sentiment." Very rarely do men actually want to get to know you... they will jump in the sack as soon as you let them. And, then they end up labeled in the woman's mind by their "sluttiness" and are pegged to boytoy at best or scumbag at worst.

I have literally told men that if we fuck on the first date that there is no chance I will ever be seriously into them. They always claim to want more then that, they are flabbergasted and pissed that I would assume they are so easy. They claim to be able to get sex anytime they want and they are looking for something real. They feed me line after line about how they are different then the average horndog that I’ve “so obviously been dating.” They are a real man, blah, blah, blah…

Guess what? After a few minutes of good night kissing, they are trying to get their hands in my pants. If I let them go there, they want a blowjob, if I give them that you can bet we will have sex. Typical walking penis. No matter how good the sex is, without serious effort on his part, he won’t get any real attention from me. He will almost never be more then that “easy lay” from the other night.

Basically in that woman’s mind, it’s the same way men tend to view easy women - If I can bag him this easily then any woman out there could too - hence he is not trustworthy and I shouldn't waste my time on him. Women are always looking towards the long term- even in a one-night thing. You, as a man, are constantly being evaluated in terms of the next 50-years. Being easy to bed may be a good way for a woman to land a man. But it works the absolute opposite way for females. If she can convince you to sleep with her so easily then you will be just as easily led astray from her by the next woman that tries.

You have to earn a woman’s trust to have any chance with her. Being easy to bed is the worst possible thing you can do if you want her to trust you with her heart. If she can’t be fully confident that another woman can’t bed you away from her then she will leave before you “inevitably” betray her.

NOW, back to your situation, apparently she came to these conclusions per normal for a woman. BUT her timing was absolutely wrong. There is nothing that absolves her from leaving you with your dick hanging out (literally). She was the one who wasn't clear with you what she was looking for (perhaps not even clear with herself), and she was the one that sent mixed signals. She is the one who threw a fit after she got her orgasm (she was probably feeling guilty – believe it or not women do… women even have been known to throw out their vibrator after an orgasm only to dig it back out of the trash hours later after the guilt wears off). But, since she went psycho on you, I would say that she probably qualifies as a psycho.

Don’t think about it too hard. Women can be difficult. But, not all of us are quite that insane. Just know that women are usually viewing you through long term goggles- and play your games accordingly. Honesty is always the best policy. Personally I try to be as honest as possible - whether I really like a guy or whether I am just "the" mood (tho sometimes men seem to take my "aloofness" after sex as a challenge - when I'm just trying to be honest). If a woman seems easy to you, you seem just as easy to her. And, unlike the way you view it, she views you being easy as a detriment to your relationship capabilities.

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