WaxPlay 101

 My lover found me the perfect Christmas gift, a Celtic collar in one of my favorite colors. I've always said that I didn't want a diamond, and if we ever exchange rings, I wanted him to make mine a dark sapphire set in silver/white gold. Since our wedding isn't until October 2019, we have awhile to find a ring, and in the meantime I can wear my perfect Celtic collar whenever I need to feel his ownership of me.

It latches in the back like a regular dog-collar does - which was a desire of mine, as opposed to clasps, ties, or clips. It fits me with holes to spare - and being a BBW that was a legitimate concern as many that I've tried on were designed with smaller necks in mind. My man tried it on himself and even had the shop clerk try it on for him since apparently she seemed like she was my size. I am a Celtic Pagan. Most of my tattoos (shown below) are Celtic or at least Celtic inspired. So this collar works for me on SO many levels. Just another show of how well my man knows me!

It was an awesome Christmas. Between the firecupping set, the waxplay set and the collar that he gave me, the bondage rope that I gave him, and the moose leather flogger that's on it's way to us as I type (which was supposed to come last week, but will be here in time for my birthday on Wednesday), this was a very kinky Christmas for us.

On to Wax Play; be sure to use unscented candles as candles with scents tend to burn hotter and are more likely to burn the skin. Natural soy or beeswax are best as they burn at lower temps, and the softer the wax of the candle to the touch, the lower temperature that it will burn at. You are always looking for low temp burning candles as they are the least likely to burn the skin of the person being waxed. If it seems too hot to the waxee you can always raise the candle higher from the skin - the further it falls from the candle to the skin the longer the wax has to cool before hitting the victim, umm, waxee.

Before doing any waxing, you need to rub oil into the skin that will be waxed. Baby Oil is the best apparently, but I can't stand the smell of it, so mineral oil is the next best. But any oil can be used... since we didn't have any this evening, we just used some warming massage oil / lube that we had handy and it worked fine. The purpose of the oil is to help with the wax removal and to help with preventing burns by creating a slight barrier/layer between the skin and the wax. If you do not rub oil into the skin, the wax is more likely to "stick" to the skin or hurt when it's removed. This evening we were waxing my boobs, so they got a nice rub down prior to beginning the scene.

I loved how, in the below picture, the white undercoat of wax looks like a bukkake scene from a porn clip. I can't imagine that actually just sitting there waiting for man after man to cum on you would be all that sexy or fun, but I often love the end result of seeing the woman covered in cum with it dripping off of her face and boobs... anyways, I digress, this is NOT cum, this is the white undercoat of wax on my boobs. You are always supposed to put down an undercoat like this as colored wax burns hotter then white. If you went straight to the colors, you are more likely to burn the waxee. Even through this undercoat of white wax, the color that is dripped on me later on in the scene feels hotter then the white wax felt, so I was thankful for the white undercoat.

We have a friend who uses a little crockpot to melt white candles, rather then dripping the undercoat on. With a pot of melted wax at your disposal the undercoat would go on a lot faster and allow you to get to the color designs quicker - you just use a measuring cup or large spoon and splash on the undercoat to your desired skin. But, for me personally, I enjoy the dripping sensation, and never really knowing where exactly the next drop will hit, so I prefer just using a candle for the entire process.

After you have a good solid coat of white, then you can move on to the colors. I find it to be a very artsy and pretty look to have all the drips and drops of color splattering my boobs. Tho it was hard to keep my arms/hands still and holding my breasts up for waxing. The colored wax really does burn hotter and in the few small drops that hit me where the white undercoat wasn't, caused delicious almost too-much pain sensations to course through my body.

Part of the fun of Wax Play, to me, is the removal of the wax. We can incorporate knife play which is another of my favorites into this part of the scene. Feeling the blade scrape across my flesh. Trusting my partner to do this to me is an awesome feeling. Knowing that the slightest nick could draw blood, it's a great rush. Below is the knife we've found to be one of the best for wax removal. Its long thin blade can get between the wax and my skin with the precision needed for the task. I ordered this particular knife from budk.com as a novelty item for $2.95. I guess there isn't much of a market for real flip-open pocket knives that have 7" blades, but it works great for our purposes. I recommend this site for any blades/weapon play. They have great prices for great looking items and while none of them are actual weapon quality (you really get what you pay for) all of the knives/weapons we've ordered from them have been more then adequate for our needs.

It's tough to get action shots when you're both trying to enjoy the play but I think that the below shots are pretty good. It looks both dangerous and fun - tho perhaps the fun part of that is only from my kinky mind enjoying the danger aspect. I think that many more people are turned on by danger then they might realize. Everyone who gets on an amusement park ride because they love the thrill of it, would probably love the feel of a knife pressed to their body by someone they trust. My man says he feels like a surgeon when he is using a knife on me. I like the scraping and rubbing and peeling. Plus between the oil and the wax, my skin feels soft and smooth after a good wax session. Soft skin and rubbing hands as counterpoint to the harsh steel and scratching blade. The wax falling away as the metal rends it from my skin. Mmmm....

Be still, my love. There is a knife pressed to your heart. A knife that could as easily slice flesh as simply set here. Trust me; I have the power here. You are my sub to do with what I want. This knife pressed to your breasts is a symbol of my dominance over you. I choose whether to release you or to cut your flesh. Your blood is mine, your body is mine, you are mine. I won't hurt you. Because you give yourself to me so willingly, so graciously, so beautifully, I will only do what pleases us both. Because you trust me, I won't hurt you. And because I don't hurt you, you trust me.

Firecupping 101

A human stegosaurus...

 Firecupping is one of our most recent forays into learning new things from FetLife friends. It's actually a massage technique offered at many day spas locally, and so, while we learned about it as a BDSM activity, it's more of sensation play then anything D/s or S/M.

The basic process is: wipe the inside of the cups with 91% alcohol (found at any local drug store in the first aid section), place the cup upside down about 2 inches from the skin, place a lighter under the cup and flick it until the alcohol on the inside catches fire, remove the lighter and place the cup down on the skin (while the fire is still burning), the fire quickly burns out when the oxygen is cut off and the resulting lack of oxygen between the cup and skin forms suction that sucks the skin and top layer of muscle up into the cup. Leave the cups on for 10-15 minutes (the longer you leave them the darker the hicky marks), and while they are on, you can tap the cups, tug on the cups, rub the skin around the outside of the cups, do some light flogging or knife play, give your subject an orgasm, or whatever the feel of the scene is for you both. Then remove the cups either by twisting, sliding, pulling, or wedging a finger under the rim of the glass to break the suction (tho are listed by level of "pain" with twisting being the most painful and breaking the suction with a finger being pretty much pain free).

Add some scratch/smack play...

I love having many different sensations mixed in together with the Firecupping. This picture shows a wooden spoon being used to alternately scratch and smack the flesh around the cups. Every sensation is heightened by the fact that the skin (and nerves) are pulled tight under the cups. Add all sort of feelings together and the subject (me) can sometimes almost be overwhelmed by all of the sensations. It's borderline overload at times.  In my opinion, it's better when a blindfold is used, that cuts down on one sense and helps focus your attention on all of the other senses - main one with Firecupping being touch.

Multiple hands on me makes for a nice scene...

 One of the things that I really enjoyed about this session was having the attention of multiple sets of hands on me. There is something nice about knowing that four or five people could be taking turns using varying tools and/or their hands on my body. It adds a comforting emotional element to all of the physical sensations going on within the body throughout the Firecupping.

I think symmetry is important (i.e. don't use 3 cups, use 4) up and down the spine... or on the butt, or boobs, or wherever you place them. When you're pulling them off pull straight up and don't twist or slide (unless you want the pain). When a lot of alcohol is used in the cups, the tightness of the skin pulled up in them can be borderline painful, but as someone who likes pain, that's OK to me. I think it has something to do with the more alcohol the more the fire burns before going out and the tighter the suction.

Cut off my breath and smack my ass and I am in heaven...

I also like breath play... and having the Dragontail whip looped around my neck added another level of sensations that increased my pleasure throughout this session. My body (and I'm sure everyone's) gets pleasantly tingly when I feel something tighten around my throat. My man knows the pressure points in my neck to knock me out completely, which he will do at times and almost brings me to orgasm from that alone, but even just a slight pressure around my neck can make me squirm in pleasure. My body tightens, my pussy dampens, and my entire sub side comes out as I lay there and willingly put my life in anothers hands. The little crop shown above also added sensation after sensation as it was used on my back, ass, and even on the Firecups themselves. That's another thing that can be done... alternately tug and push on the Firecups themselves. This is part of the massage techniques used and really works the skin/ muscles/nerves in and around the Firecups.

Only "downside" to Firecupping is the unavoidable marks that are left behind. I personally love being marked by anything as its a constant reminder of that activity. Bruise me, cut me, whip me, cane me, Firecup me... anything that leaves its mark on me is enjoyable. The best activities are ones that you can't forget, that every movement reminds you of, that people can see the effects of and ask you about.

I definitely recommend Firecupping to anyone who is into sensation play or even simple massage. You can customize this activity to be included in whatever your personal kink is through breath play, whips/floggers, knives, etc... Its cheap to set up your own kit from the dollar store, easy to learn or teach someone to do on you, and very very relaxing and enjoyable.

"Healthy Strokes"??? Only if you're repressed in all areas of sexuality...

Let me preface this blog by saying ... OMG! I am in shock... www.healthystrokes.com...

I was stumbling around the internet the other day and came across this website where some man has proclaimed himself to be a sexpert and he answers young men and woman (think teenagers) questions about sex and relationships... and mainly focusing on masturbation. There is little-to-no information about who he is and what qualifies him to give advice to this impressionable group of people who are seeking information - other then an email handle of "Doug" and one sentence at the bottom of the front page of the site which says he has a PhD "in a field unrelated to sexuality."

His main page to the website is about a theory of TMS which says boys should never masturbate while laying on their stomachs and "rubbing their penises against the mattress, pillow... or some practitioners lie on their stomachs and thrust into their hands." Apparently in his theory this position for masturbating makes the boy grow up to have erectile dysfunction.

This man did not masturbate incorrectly according to Doug! :-P

This theory is refuted on goaskalice.com where she states that the TMS:

"theory isn't widely recognized in the medical community, and there hasn't been follow-up research to see if his claims are valid. Researchers have cited that these problems with getting and maintaining an erection may be more related to stressors in a person's emotional, psychological and/or physical well-being." 

Its also states on the University of California, Sociology Department website that TMS"

"should be treated as a hypothesis rather than a fact, because of the lack of research and the absence of support from other researchers. No medical dictionary includes Sank's theory about TMS for medical applications. Also, no other research on it has been done since the theory first came out. Additionally, the statistics given in his original research came from a selected audience- and only individuals who were curious about this "syndrome" or feared they suffered from it. All the rest of the scientific literature indicates that there should be no harmful side effects from masturbating in any position. Masturbation is not an addiction, but a habit, and masturbating prone should not affect intercourse. If you have a problem sexually pleasing a female, try several different positions or environments. Do not worry about the TMS article. There are numerous of articles presenting data that are opposite of Sank's argument."

Now that we've established that "Doug" is a quack, I want to bring up the main issue I  - it's with his so-called advice. Majority of the people who write to him for advice/answers are anywhere from 11-16 in age and most of the older-than-16 people that email him are still virgins with little dating experience.

Mini Orca Dildo

Instead of receiving helpful thoughtful advice, or at the very least giving them accurate, consistent information, Doug tells young men that they are biologically required to masturbate as often as possible but only when laying on their backs. And, Doug tells young women basically that their only reason for masturbating is to get themselves accustomed to the feel of having sex with a male partner someday. Therefore anything that is not penis shaped and/or doesn't actually feel like the sensations a woman will get from heterosexual sexual intercourse shouldn't be tried in masturbation. I guess Doug would not be down for a woman using the Mini Orca:

Included in his gems of advice to young girls are such nuggets as:

• Don't use more then one finger on or in yourself, otherwise you may get addicted to the feel of hands, and sex is about having a penis inside you and being able to orgasm from that sensation.
• Don't use anything thicker then a taper candle, otherwise you'll end up stretched out and a penis wont satisfy you.
• Don't use any sort of running water on your clit, because this will desensitize you and after awhile you will lose the ability to orgasm.
• Don't use anything that vibrates, because they will have the same effect that running water will, and then you won't be able to enjoy real sex when you start having it.  And, if you don't enjoy it, then the man won't enjoy it with you and he won't stay with you.
• He claims that girls should never experiment with other girls because that won't get them ready for "real" sex.

To the girl who was "wondering the best way to access porn, because it turns me on. And, is it abnormal that I like to have the TV turned off and a porn pictures in front of me to achieve an orgasm?" Our cums-in-his-pants-at-the-site-of-a-nipple Doug replies, "That's very abnormal for a girl. You should be able to reach orgasm without pictures. You need to learn to be aroused by other things."

To the girl who asked  him "There's this guy who keeps asking me out but I just don't want to go out with him. What should I say?" Our lives-in-his-moms-basement-and-can't-get-a-date Doug replied, "Why don't you give him a chance? There might come a time when guys stop asking."

To the girl who wrote that she has "been masturbating since I was 13 but I can only orgasm when masturbating if I think of a very big penis. Is this normal?" Our small-dicked-and-even-smaller-balled Doug replied, "No. You should try thinking about anything except a big penis for and develop some new interests."

It is astounding to me that all of his answers, whether to young males or females, seemed to be aimed to make sure girls are not sexually aware of their bodies but that boys are sexually mature - this is indicated to the extreme by the fact that Doug states numerous times that it's a biological imperative for males to masturbate and have sex, but that women aren't supposed to like it and/or only supposed to masturbate in ways to prepare themselves to be used by males at some point in the future. Only actual penile penetration is acceptable to Doug on a woman, no toys after she starts having sex with a man ...

... And, I could go on and on with the things that sicken me on this site, but it all adds up to the fact that Doug has never been laid and is a chauvinistic, repressed, twisted male with a huge ego, small brain and even smaller dick...


I think that I have found our Doug...

Sex Blogs I Read & Love

Listed below are the other adult blogs that I read regularly. Of the literally thousands out there to read these few have managed to catch and keep my attention over time. Some contain articles on life and sex, others are advice columns, some are written by many authors, and some are just plain comic relief. Let me know what you think of them! Hope you enjoy them as much as I do! (They are in no particular order.)
__________________________________________________________________

Always Aroused Girl's Blog - Sex Toy Reviews, Sex and Politics, and Comic Relief "Between writing a personal blog, looking at porn, building websites and reading lots of books, this Always Aroused Girl enjoys petting her cats. No that is not a euphemism. Well, maybe it is."

Trinity-Pup - A Collared Submissive Girl's Diary of Kinky Nights "I am a collared submissive and owned by a wonderful Master. He told me He would show me who was in charge, who owned me and would make sure I felt deeply submissive by the time He had finished with me."

Hot Alpha Female - Sassy Girl Gives Dating and Sex Advice "Brutally Honest Dating Advice … I'm just a girl, who has had some dating experience, read a whole lot of books and has extraordinary passion about the dating game, who will give advice to anyone and everyone who is willing to listen."

Honey and Lance - Two Friends Give Sex Advice and Share Stories "Perspectives on dating, relationships, pickup, sex, and life. We blog about dating, relationships, seduction, sex, and everything in between. Lance is a single social artist based in Orlando, Florida. Honey is in a long term relationship with Jake and they live together in Phoenix, Arizona."

Carnivalesq - Porn / Sex Toy Reviews and Sex Stories "Join me for some creative writing, frank explorations of sex and sexuality, some sex toy reviews and often, far too much information."

Carnal Nation - Sex in the News and Stories to Make You Blush "CarnalNation provides comprehensive coverage for grown-ups. We publish original, incisive and uncensored content. We make this commitment at all levels: the personal, the political, and the perverted. We know you take your fun as seriously as we do, so we invite you to realize and explore your interests, desires, and curiosities."

Hey Epiphora - Sex Toy Reviews "Sex toy reviews and musings, no sugarcoating. I'm fascinated by gender, in lust with writing, driven by coffee. I type quickly, eat slowly, and watch porn for hours. I greatly prefer cats to children, and always want to be drinking something while I write. I’m pansexual and a feminist — two of the only labels that really suit me. I am also painfully monogamous and very vanilla."

Pink Sex Geek - Girl Share Sex and Life Stories and Sex Toy Reviews "I’m Crista, and I am a Pleasure Based/Sex-Positive Sex Educator and Toy Goddess. That can be a bit of a mouthful, so I stick with Sex Geek. Pleasure Based meaning I teach sex education to adults with an emphasis on how to have a more enjoyable and orgasmic sex life either with partners or with yourself."

The Cherry Scoop - Sex Toy Reviews "My name is Sundae and I'm the mysterious figure behind this blog! I've been reviewing sex toys since around August of 2009, so I've had a lot of time to get familiar with products, become connected to the community and be exposed to plenty of fascinating sex info."

Between My Sheets - Submissive Slut's Writings on Sex "I’ve ghost-written over ten sex guide ebooks, including ones on squirting and giving your partner a prostate massage. I suspect they’re good sellers because the client keeps ordering more! I have cinnamon-flavored throat-numbing cream for guys who are too big to otherwise deep throat. I enjoy watching porn while I masturbate."

The Beautiful Kind - Multi Author Blog W/ Sex Columns on Advice, Stories and Kink "The Beautiful Kind is a sex positive community where people can get advice, share their experiences, and learn a thing or two from TBK, a bonafide sexgoddess. This site strives to bring shy folks out of their shell, and offer a safe haven for perverts. All genders, sexual orientations, lifestyles, and fetishes are welcome here. Open, honest, and authentic, The Beautiful Kind is sure to entertain, educate, titillate, and inspire. Smut for smart people."

Sex Is - Edens Fantasies - Multi Author Blog W/ Sex Toy Reviews, Advice and Stories "Find sex tips for everyday life, read opinions on the heated sex debates in our society, make smart and informed sex shopping decisions, open your horizons with new sex techniques and join sex positive EdenFantasys community."

Curvaceous Dee - Chubby Woman Discusses Life, Sex and Kink "Curvaceous, vivacious, tenacious, bodacious. That's Curvaceous Dee! I'm also fat, poly, pansexual, civilly unioned, kinky, kiwi, and happy."

Sexuality Happens - Chubby Bi Sex Blogger and Toy Reviewer "I’m Essin’ Em, your friendly neighborhood feminist, queer, Femme, horny, politically active, questioning, pondering sexologist and sex educator. This blog is a discussion about the full spectrum of sexuality, sex toy/porn/book reviews, pieces of my personal life including snippets of sex stories, poignant news relating to sexuality, sex tips, and amusing tidbits and awkward moments."

Hello Saraid - Sex Toy Reviews and Life/Sex Stories "I’m a normal college student that has a passion for talking about sexuality. On this blog you’ll find my thoughts on how sexuality is presented in the media, how I feel about my own sexual identity, and much more. But, I mainly write sex toy reviews, which in addition to being fun for me to write, are helpful to a wide variety of audiences. I try my best to make my reviews approachable for all age groups and for all walks of life."

Mistress Matisse's Journal - Pro-Domme's Stories of Life in the Business "Seattle writer/professional dominatrix's personal musings, rants and life-trivia... I am a very beautiful, experienced dominatrix with a private, fully-equipped dungeon in Seattle, Washington. I do sessions with beginners as well as experienced submissives."

Desk Full of Dildos - Girl Reviews SexToys and Share Weird Sex Things Found Online "Desk Full of Dildos: your source for sex toy news, reviews, company profiles, snark, and weird adult novelties. I have always been a rabid fan of all things adult, obsessing over toy line debuts the way tech geeks salivate over smartphones and imacs."

DIY Sex Blog - Fun Homemade Sex Toys and Sex In the News "Too embarrassed (or too cheap) to buy sex toys? This site shows you how, step-by-step, to build them yourself. Got ingenious inventions? Don't be shy, share them with us. And if you decide you want to buy instead of make, we give recommendations of online toy stores which have impressive selections."

Kinky Stick Figure - Poking Fun at Sex "I am on a collision course with wackiness. I am likely old enough to be your mother, but I'm still the coolest girl you'll ever meet."

She Loves Sex- Sexy Diversions By Women For Women "Do you love Sex? Do you love to learn about it, read about it, and hear the opinions of other women who love it as much as you do? SheLovesSex gives you custom content we write ourselves and the best sex & dating articles that we find on the net. No searching all over to find the juiciest tidbits. No gossip, no fashion tips... just a bevy of information about sex, in all its facets."

Sexie Sadie - Stories of Seduction "This is where I chronicle my experiences in an open relationship with my wonderful Hubby. I write freely here, and about a concept that you may not agree with straight away. But, I urge you to dig around my posts and see what I have to say, because you just might change your mind about someone like me."

Sexy Blogtime! - Sex Toy Reviews, Pics of Porn and Sexy Musings "Sexy Blogtime! is Lucy Vonne's input on everything in the adult world. From toy and porn reviews to bringing you the hottest porn studs around in the business. If it sparks her interest and deals with sex then she wants you to know about it. Sex is wonderful! She was named one of the best sex toy reviewers of 2008 by the pleasurists.com."

Tiny Nibbles - Sex Commentary, Accurate Sex Info and Erotica "Violet Blue is regarded as the foremost expert in the field of sex and technology, a sex-positive pundit in mainstream media and is regularly interviewed, quoted and featured prominently by major media outlets. She is a published feature writer and columnist since 1998, Violet also has many award-winning, best selling books."

Denying Thumper - Male Sub's Diary about Chastity "A blog about a masochistic, submissively-inclined, orgasm-denied male bunny locked in chastity."

Bad Bad Girl - Submissive Girl's Sex Diary On Being Owned "I'm a cool chick who likes to use the word “cunt." I believe in being sex-positive and hate-negative. I think chicks with real tits are sexy. I like to talk dirty and curse incessantly. I love dildo’s and vibrators but will never choose one over the real thing."

Britni's Shameless - Bitchy Bi Girl Sharing Thoughts on Sex and Life "I'm nothing but a brash and impetuous girl striving to be true to myself while searching for somewhere to belong, someone to love, and a better version of me.

Sexual Map

Find out where I've journeyed on the Map of Human Sexuality!

Click the link above to sees my map of sexual experiences and fantasies. Check it out and let me know if you want me to write about anything that I've marked. I had fun filling this out. I have a lot more green (Tried and Liked) then I thought I would as I thought about each fetish and experience. Yet, I still have more purple (Want to try) then green. I didn't mark anything as un-liked; sex is like pizza after all! However, there are quite a few of those green dots that I wouldn't rush to try again - especially since there are so many purples dots yet to experience.

Also, you should fill one out yourself. It's a fun little exercise to see where you stand in the realm of kinkiness. Post the link to your saved map in a comment on this blog, so we can compare notes :-)

Or you can purchase the copy of the poster ... HERE ...

Culturally Sexual Differences

Ok, now this whole incident is just plain wrong on so many levels. It was flattering and annoying and cute and obnoxious and interesting and unbelievable all at the same time.

I used to go over to my adopted grandparent’s house in Blacksburg fairly regularly and help them out with... well, whatever they need help with. They have a studio apartment in the basement that they rent out to whoever needs it. Their tenants are usually some pretty interesting characters. Especially since they are both extreme liberals and most of their friends fall under the hippie/activist personality type.

Well, anyways, they once rented the apartment to a man from the Republic of Benin, Africa. He was 32 years old, married, had two or three kids, and was here in the States alone for a couple months to do post-grad work at VT. He had the most adorable French-ish accent you can imagine. I met him for the first time over dinner on a typical Wednesday evening with the grandparents.

When, he held my hand for a second too long when he said hello, I wrote it off as his culture... I'd never met anyone actually from Africa before, but Latinos are notorious for having no personal space bubble, so it was a logical assumption on my part. He did the whole look-you-up-and-down thing that's so typically male that I just laughed at him. And, the entire greeting took all of five seconds so my grandparents didn't pick up on anything (honestly I wasn’t even sure that I was reading him correctly at the time).

He was cute, and sweet and talkative. The entire dinner was spent with him explaining his research project, and his country, and complimenting the jambalaya that I’d made. Nice guy. Nice accent. Though I had a hard time following what he was saying because I would get caught up in just listening to the rhythms of his speech – even nicer then Jamaican. He started playing with my camera phone after dinner and we ended up getting pictures of all of us. He asked me to email him the pictures later and so I agreed.

After I had helped the grandparents with some things around the house, I put the left over jambalaya in a dish and brought it down to Theo in his apartment so that I could get his email address and send him the pictures. He had changed clothes… now he was wearing just boxers and no shirt. But, he didn't seem to be embarrassed so I didn't say anything. If he could be cool, I could too. He pulled out a business card but didn't hand it to me.

Then he said, in his adorable accent, "Can I discuss something with you?" I agreed and smiled. He gestured to the chair that was facing his bed and then sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at me.

Now, if there is one thing I've learned from my many years of international travel and from being active with the international population at Virginia Tech is that internationals often have no clue how to behave in the US, and that other cultures are vastly different then our own. Hence the term “culture shock” has been invented. You have to take everything in stride when dealing with internationals. Anyways, I guess he was lucky that I am who I am and not some typical American girl … or worse a feminist.

He proceeded to ask if I would be his friend while he was here in the USA and take him out sometimes so he didn't have to sit in the apartment alone, and so that he could have discussions in English with me. I was getting an inkling of where this was going but I was trying to play dumb so I told him that of course I would be his friend and that we could go get coffee sometime and I would love to let him practice his English with me (and I was genuine, he is a nice friendly talkative guy who I wouldn't have minded spending some time with).

Then came the shocker…He reached out with both hands and grasped my wrists and looked me directly in the eyes from about 10 inches away and said "I find you very beautiful. Perhaps I can be… not husband, what is word? Boyfriend! Yes, you need a boyfriend?"

No, no, no, no, no! It was said so calmly and rationally that I wasn't sure I had understood him… maybe this man didn't know what the word boyfriend meant! I pointed at his wedding ring and told him that I couldn't do anything with him because his wife would hunt me down. This phrase apparently perplexed him. "Hunt me down?" he asked. "Yes." I replied firmly, "Your wife would come over here to America and…" I made the slitting gesture across my throat with my hand.

Now that he understood. He dropped my wrists, grabbed his own throat and looked at me in complete shock. "They, women, are allowed to do this here?" I told him that women aren't allowed to actually kill, but that in America wives don't allow their husbands to touch other women and that it would cause trouble in the relationship and would probably cause a divorce.

His retort? "Well, in my culture this is not the way it is. Man is allowed to have other girlfriends when he is married; we even have more than one wife. So, it is ok in my culture and you can be my girlfriend! Even if my wife were here she would say it was ok. Sex is good, and she is far away so she will understand… you like sex?"

I swear to you my jaw hit the floor. Now I am very open about everything regarding sex. But, never in my life have I had a completely serious, calm, rational discussion with a married man I’d met two hours before about why I could not be his girlfriend for two months.

So, I told him that yes I liked sex, but he had a wife and he was in MY culture right now and that in my culture that means that I cannot touch him. He was very logical, told me that since HE was the one that was married it was HIS culture that dictated what he could do in his relationship. He told me that he would take me back to Africa with him and I could see and then I could be his girlfriend. “AH, a way out” I thought. "Ok, Theo, if I come visit you in Africa and your wife tells me herself that she is ok with you having a girlfriend then maybe I will be."

And, saying that, I stood to leave. I was trying very hard to not leave him with the impression that all American women are frigid bitchs. The entire discussion lasted over thirty minutes. I seriously sat there and tried to explain for over a half hour why I was not going to take him on as a lover. I don't think he got it!

He went for a hug when I said that I had to leave. I am fine with hugs. Whatever. But, then he groped me like a horny highschool boy. Butt, waist, breasts… seriously took me a second to fight off the shock before I started struggling. I was also laughing the whole time; it was so incredible. And, him wearing only boxers, it was easy to tell that he was very, um, happy. He caught my wrists again and made sure I knew how happy he was. No, no, no, no. Anyways, I finally managed to un-entangle myself from him, and he had the nerve to ask me when I was coming again.

I was still shaking my head in incredulity but I said I’d be back the next week and that I would bring him some movies to borrow (we had talked about that earlier). He asked me if I was going to watch them with him. I told him only if he would behave. Apparently he didn't know the word "behave" so I tried- "be good." He told me he was good and would be very good for me.

I rolled my eyes at him… "I mean treat me like a friend and ONLY a friend. NOT a girlfriend." His reply and I shut the door in his face? "Ok, for now."

So, I'm sitting there a couple weeks later having further "discussions" with Theo, I'm wondering how many typical young women would be able to not run screaming from the room. Most of my peers would not have been comfortable with the conversation twists that occurred (not knocking my age group, just pointing out that intelligent American women are quite often not open to male viewpoints from other cultures).

Listening to him talk about gender roles in his culture, I couldn't decide if he is speaking from a ten-year old boys perspective or the perspective of someone still living in the 18th century. Perhaps both. For a very educated man, his views on gender and sexuality were quite backwards. Such statements as "Well, the woman does not need sex, but the man’s mental state is based on whether he gets to fuck regularly- it is all biological" seemed to be spouted off with complete certainty.

I asked him if it was ok for his wife to find a new lover while he was away, he told me "No". Quite simply, quite plainly, with a tone that told me he thought me quite absurd for even thinking to ask such a thing. He follows the different zip codes rule apparently. He doesn't sleep with any other women in the Republic of Benin, but anytime he is out of the country he takes on a lover or two – and the guy travels a lot.

He spent probably thirty minutes explaining to me the lessons that his friend's father would give them about how to please a woman- in graphic detail I might add- how he was taught that a man "must feel with his fingers to see if she is wet enough to fuck". Man oh man! I think I must have been blushing for about two hours straight. And, somehow listening to him say all this matter-of-factly in his fairly sexy French accent made it even more absurd to me somehow.

Apparently the only reason that a woman has a right to a divorce in his country is if her man is not a good lover, so much emphasis is placed on teaching boys what to do to keep her happy in bed (now there is a custom that should be adopted here). He didn’t seem to know that "sex" was the common word, he always just used fuck or fucking or fucked. He didn't know many of the words to explain himself in English, so he would point or gesture or touch.

One thing that totally baffled him was that I don't want children (this came about as a result of a discussion on condom use, of course). He simply couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to have a baby. "Babies are good for the world." "You can teach children to be like you and then you live forever." Which I assume was his way of describing a legacy. It confused him even more that "there are men in your culture who would be ok with marrying a woman who would not have a baby?" Babies are next to gods in his culture apparently.

It seems to be just the natural progression of things in his mind that you grow up, get married, and make babies. End of story, no other path to take. He finally tried to justify my weirdness in his head by saying that I "must have a big heart for helping everyone in the world and that I don't want to have to focus all helping energies on one baby when I feel should be helping lots of people", or some such mumbo jumbo. I let it slide.

He was always saying things like how he was drawn to curvy women, and how he knew right after meeting me that I was different then "most white women" he had met and that my "life spark reminded him of African woman from his country." He spent probably twenty minutes trying to explain that to me, and eventually I just nodded my implied agreement even though I still didn't really get what he meant.

I had to remind him several times throughout the evening that he had agreed to be only friends with me and not to try to be more then friends. He would nod and move on. And, then circle back to the subject twenty minutes later. One would think that I would have learned from last time that his hugs are not just hugs, but he had done so well throughout the evening of keeping his hands to himself that I made the mistake of assuming he was over it. So, the goodbye hug was just as horny-highschool-boy as last time. He was a bit on the scrawny side which was a good thing because if he were stronger, what was just laughable could have been dangerous.

However, he was very verbally clear that he still wanted to have me as his girlfriend. He even told me about a date he went on the “other night, where, being a man" he could tell she "just wanted him to fuck her." But apparently his "penis wasn't working with her." So he knows that he "wasn't supposed to fuck her, but” he knew that “it would work very well with Kate."

Flattering, disturbing, but flattering.

The worst thing is that I had to go back upstairs and say goodbye to the grandparents. I'm sure I was disheveled and blushing. They told me how nice it was that I was being nice to Theo, and that they were glad for him to have a friend closer to his age. And, that we should have him up for dinner next time I came over since he seemed to enjoy the company so much. I was still half giggling uncontrollably… "Yes, he certainly did seem to enjoy the company." And, I raced out of there.

Sex partner wanted - Next day bruises are a must...

I've been in conversation with a few women recently about the differences in sexual terms between men and women. There are many of us women out there who do not want to be treated like china dolls. We don't always want to "make love" with our partners, and forcing us can fulfill our greatest fantasy. Yet, as open as we are about these desires and as picky as we are in hopes of finding someone who can fulfill them, it seems that "I like it rough" equates to a few light slaps on the ass when he's riding us doggy style in a man's mind. How is this?

When a woman says she enjoys it rough, she isnt talking about how hard you can actually bang her, or some light spanking, she means she wants to be totally ravaged. She wants you to pin her down and not let her up. Hold her wrists in place as you kiss her. Bite her neck- hard, til she squirms. Smack her ass til its red and she's begging. Make her feel it the next day and and the day after. When a woman says she wants it rough, she wants to be sore until the next time she sees you- rope burns on her wrists and bruises on her ass.

Now that may seem extreme. And, I guess there are sometimes psychological reasons behind a woman's need to be "mistreated" like that. People may theorize that we were raped and got used to that treatment (and sometimes thats true). They may say that we never learned to connect healthily with another human so the "bad" attention is misinterpreted as good attention. They may say that we are simply warped and in need of counseling and reconditioning as to proper sexual habits.

But, it's none of that for most of us, mostly it's for the rush. We are often the same women who have multiple piercings and tattoos. We are the ones who love the rush that comes along with pain. Our bodies go into that beloved flight/fight responses and all that excess adrenaline stays bottled up in us; heightening every nerve and every sensation we experience. The pain from your rough treatment makes us ache to be closer to you. Our bodies twist and writhe. We want to please you to win your gentler affections, yet we want to disobey to make the roughness continue.

We are often the ones that are such control freaks in real life that to push our boundaries and make us FEEL in the bedroom that control has to be stripped from us. Sometimes when a woman has to juggle all the balls in her life, in the bedroom the last thing she really wants to do is have to juggle some more. Its actually a very relaxing feeling to be strapped down and not have to worry about being in control and making the right moves- to be pleased and used for pleasure without having to make the decisions that could lead to mistakes. When you are in control in bed, you are thinking and planning and deciding what to do next, when you are thinking you are not feeling- we crave to feel and the best way to get that is to not have to think about what comes next- to follow orders and let yourself be used.

Seems to me that most men are wusses nowadays. They just dont "get" what rough means and have never tried to figure out what a woman really means when she says "rough". Its outside of alot of guys comfort zones, they arent confident in what you want and it makes them timid, the minute timid enters the bedroom the woman with these types of desires check out.

Men need to understand the balance between taking her there and going too far. A woman needs to clearly tell a man that level she wants. But most often we end up telling a guy a million times what we want, no need, from them in the rough play department and they fail miserably to perform and so we check out, its just not doing it, so we smile through the sex and move on to try the next man.

Most woman friends I have I have asked her favorite fantasy - and I always ask to hear the one that she doesn't share with her other friends, the one she might be embarrassed to admit. Eight out of ten times she says that she wants a guy to have sex with her against her will. She wants to feel like she is being raped, she wants to fight and not be able to get free. Guys, if a woman actually tells you she "likes it rough," if she says those words she is not implying just just wants it hard. She is not saying to pound her faster. She is saying the following:

• She wants you to pin her shoulders down and tell her to get up and then not let her move. Tell her to try harder or you are going to stop fucking her, no matter how hard she tries you keep her pinned and make it look easy.

• When you are fucking her from behind, put your hand at the root of her hair and pull her head back. Pull it back as far as her neck will let you pull it, pull it back so far that it makes it hard for her to breathe. Tell her she can only breathe when you tell her its ok to breathe.

• Push her against a wall, but do it harder than you can ever imagine pushing a girl in real life. Push her against it to where it WILL hurt her. Pick her up, put her legs around you and with every thrust of your cock into her push her back against the wall, each time harder.

• When you are fucking her hard, hold back 10 percent without her knowing. Tell her to beg you to stop and when she does, then apply that extra ten percent, make her understand that her saying stop doesn't register with you, she doesn't actually have an option at this point.

• Tie her up, but dont tie her up with a silk tie, tie her up with nylon rope, the kind you see in the movies. When you tie her hands behind her back ask her if she can get free, while she is trying, tighten it twice as tight so she can feel that she really cant get free. If her wrists are red and sore, its not tight enough.

• Then call or text her the next day and tell her to look in the mirror at her bruises and ask her how much it turns her on to see the marks you put on her and tell her that you look forward to next time. 

If she asks for rough, this is what she wants. If you give it to her, like obviously most guys don't, you will now be her new cocaine.

So all that said, what does a girl have to do to get it rough? How clearer can we make it to a man when we want to feel them on us even after they've left? How can we make them understand that we aren't breakable? How can they understand that a spank or two only wets our appetite? And, are we unreasonable in expecting them to understand something that is so out of the norm (tho its really not given the number of women who crave it)? And, is it so taboo a desire that we shouldnt want it from the men we are with? 

Loosen up: Porn is a woman's friend.

My friends know they can come to me with any of their questions and I will do my best to answer honestly and succinctly. I can't count the number of times I've offended someone, only to have them come back to me a couple weeks later and sheepish inform me that I was right about their issues. The below blog came about from a friend of mine who started a conversation about porn and how she hated it when her husband looked at "that stuff." Even after over an hour of trying to convince her that she was over-reacting, I didn't think the point got through. We dropped the topic and it wasn't brought up again. But, then about two months later her husband cornered me in the grocery store and thanked me for talking to her... so something must have worked...

___________________________________________________

Dear Kate,

My man spends too much time looking at porn and jerking off how can I make him stop?

Sincerely,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Put out more.

Sincerely,

Kate

_________________________________________________________

*giggling uncontrollably* ...

I honestly don’t get the big deal about porn. I mean outside of a conservative church I’ve yet to meet a man who doesn’t look at it regularly. And, I’ve really only rarely met a woman who doesn’t look at it at least occasionally. I understand that some people have an addiction to it and that can be unhealthy. But, for some reason women seem to take offense to their man looking at hot naked women fucking other men- wait… when I put it like that it sounds bad… I mean women get annoyed with their man being a man. It is not cheating to look a picture on a screen. It may be distasteful and disrespectful to do it in front of your woman if she has issue with it, but it’s not morally wrong.

Personally, I much prefer a man who is open about their porn habits then someone who is sneaking around with it. The men who are sneaky and hide it from you are the men who hide other women in their lives as well. Tho, if you are a prude and refuse to accept porn and other sexual needs of your man’s life then he has no choice to hide it from you (in that case him hiding things is your fault and doesn't necessarily mean he's a cheater). In my personal experience the only men who have hid porn from me (since I am open about the issue) are the ones who are generally sneaky and deceptive, and, we've never last long as a couple. I make the effort to openly allow completely honesty with little-to-no repercussions (ie I don't fly off the handle and start a fight every time he brings up an issue like porn). Hence a man who has no "reason" to hide things but still does, has deeper honesty issues; I don't deal with pathological liars for long.

Anyways, every man I’ve dated has looked at porn at the very least a few times a week - even when we're having sex every day. Sometimes they jack off, sometimes they don’t, but watching porn is just something they do. Looking at someone’s boobs is apparently just fun to do from a man’s perspective.  They are simple creatures, can’t blame them for wanting to look at what they don’t have... Female bodies' are beautiful to look at and sex is just plain hot to watch. How a person can look at pics like: (NSFW) sweet sex and think "Eww" is beyond me. Personally I prefer pics like: (NSFW) rough her up but that is just a matter of personal taste ;-)

Besides the honesty issue, porn is a great learning tool! I knew a lot more about sex then you could imagine before I had even kissed a guy. I can’t imagine having gone into that first time sexual encounter knowing only the mere basics of sex that I learned from my parents and friends throughout school (I grew up in a sheltered religious environment). “A man sticks his penis in your vagina” is not all a girl needs to know before actually experiencing it. Porn helped with that. Those years of sneaking onto the family computer after everyone else had gone to sleep and wide-eyedly staring through pages and pages of the google search results for the word "sex" was about as informative as all of my years of experience since highschool has been.

How else would I know about things like sounding, fisting, figging, coprophagia, water sports, hermaphrodites, canarijimmiphilia, balloon fetishes, and klismaphilia? I can tell you that my mind would not have come up with any of those on my own… and I can be pretty twisted. 

And, now I will wait while some of you search some of those fetishes in your search engine of choice……

Ok… satisfied your curiosity? If you really want to learn more about weird fetishes you can click this link to a map of them all organized and categorized. And, yeah, most of that you never will want to try with your partner... or maybe you will, who am I to guess... but in either case isn’t it interesting to know about? I mean how else would you learn how weird the rest of the world is without porn? Its a way to make yourself feel a little bit saner. Having an off-day? Feel like you don't fit in? Remind yourself that at least you are normal, at least you aren't a apotemnophiliac who can only get off by thinking about chopping off your own limbs.

Tangent over... also, how do you expect your man get off when you’re not in the mood? Everyone is into saying that sex is a biological need of men - so would you really rather he finds another partner then look at pictures? If you are the type of woman who doesn’t want to have to satisfy your man regularly even when you are supposedly in a monogamous relationship with him then be thankful that there ways for release for him without cheating. You don’t have as much to worry about if he is jacking off to the computer – worry when he stops looking at porn and you still aren’t putting out. 

So loosen up, women - Porn is your friend.

• If you want honesty in your relationship, a man sharing his love of porn is a good sign that he's honest with you  in other areas too.
• Watching porn together is a great way of connecting and spicing up your sex life.
• If you don’t know much about sex and want to learn then be thankful there is porn so you don’t actually have to meet up with nutcases to learn new sex tips.
• If you don't like sex, yet for some unknown reason want monogamy, you should be glad porn is out there to help a man be faithful to you.