Me? Anti-Feminism?

How can watching a woman being loved on by a man be anti-female in any way?

I sometimes wonder at the blogs I read.

Who are these people who think that they can post "x" and not get a response from me? Why would they put a thought as insane as that out there in cyberspace if not to get a response like the one I am about to leave them?

I've noticed many different types of adult ("sex") blogs that are written by females. In general, I feel that I can split most of the female-written sex blogs I read regularly into one of two groups - they have either a "gender equality" slant or a "pro-feminine" slant to the writing. Both are forms of feminism (looking at them objectively). The term "feminist" has negative connotation to me, but I use it here since it seems to be the "IT" word for modern females.

My blog or at least my outlook on life which should be reflected in my blog is from a definite pro-feminine viewpoint. Here are my simplified definitions of these two terms stated as neutrally as I can manage to define them given I feel so strongly in line with the pro-feminine stance personally. One thing to take notice of is that BOTH of these feminisms believe that the "worth" of a person is not determined by their gender. 

Gender-Equality: a belief system in which a person believes that all men and women are inherently the same and should be treated as such. These feminists believe that the only difference between the two genders is in genitalia and they are constantly striving to make the world be just as gender-blind as it is color-blind (at least as color-blind as it's become over the past 50+- years).These are the feminists that have made Virginia Military Institute (VMI) open to both genders, these are the feminists who bring lawsuits against the PGA or NFL for not allowing women to compete, and these are the feminists who have created a workplace environment where women no longer have to put up with sexual harassment.

Pro-Feminine: a belief system in which a person believes that men and women should be treated equally in life and the workplace and neither gender should be looked down on any more then the other simply because of their gender, BUT these are also people who also believe that women and men are VERY different in very fundamental, biological ways. These feminists believe that each gender should embrace the differences that their gender embodies - but that neither gender is inherently better/worse or higher/lower then the other in life. These feminists are ones who also strive to have equal pay for equal work in the workplace, but they still want/expect men to BE men (do the soldiering, open doors, perhaps even be the main breadwinner in a household).

Now the main issue behind this whole rant is that I have a subscription of Playboy (and Penthouse and Maxim for that matter…). I am 26 years old, straight (maybe bi-curious), and ALL female. Yet I ordered these magazine subscriptions while single. Apparently I am on the complete other side of the fence then the "gender-equality" camp of women regarding the whole porn issue.

I believe that the fact that many in society view females as sex objects is equaled out by the fact that we, as women, can/could use our sexuality (our sex-object-ness) in order to get things that we want/need in life. The fact that some men may see it (being a sex object) as a demeaning thing shouldn’t bother us, as that attitude just makes them easier to push around. Now I’m not a man-hater, or a sneaky manipulating bitch, or anything like that … I am mainly being extreme to make these points - “use what you have” and “men and women ARE different and we should embrace those differences.” Also, I think if a woman wears lipstick and has her self-esteem wrapped up in her looks, then she is just being a normal human with her own issues … Personally I could never justify blaming Hugh Hefner because I can’t go a day without mascara…

And, yet when I posted a comment stating this opinion on a blog that was trying to blame the porn industry for ALL of womens' issues, I got the response of:

"Major FAIL at the feminism! Feminism is about women having choices and about equality between everyone. Porn is demeaning to woman and there is no way that a self-respecting woman could ever look at or support porn and still consider herself doing anything good for any feminist causes."

I wish someone could tell me why my attitude a "fail" at feminism? But, none of the blog responders could explain it and I eventually gave up the discussion. If feminism is about woman having choices- and a female is CHOOSING to use her sex-objectness (by being in or enjoying porn) instead of bitching about having a sexuality - then more power to her. Using your personal assets as positives in your life is not manipulation (any more then any basis for a relationship is by default). Using your assets as assets is simply being smart.

It’s all in your perspective; either the couple has a healthy, happy relationship (which always includes give and take from both parties). Or the couple is just manipulating each other … the man is just using his “protect the girl” instincts as part of the package to “manipulate” the woman into finding him useful and keeping him around. And, the woman is just using her “sex-object-ness” as part of the package to “manipulate” him into staying around and being faithful.

 
If a woman finds that she is “empowered by being a sex object,” then how is it wrong of her to embrace that? Even if a person truly believes that embracing sexuality it hasn’t helped anyone historically, why is she responsible for all of society’s “women” and not just for herself. If she has found something that works for her, more power to her.

I truely don’t feel that I am anti-female by being pro-sexuality … however, I guess if I have failed at feminism, then so be it. That's really OK with me because “feminism” it isn’t a label I generally claim as fitting me anyways. I truly enjoy the fact that I am female and I enjoy the that my differences from men give me the ability to be desired by men - if being PRO-female is being ANTI-feminism... then I am as anti-feminism as they come.

Wanting my feminine body / heart / soul to be wanted by a man is about as pro-female as I can imagine anything to be...

"Healthy Strokes"??? Only if you're repressed in all areas of sexuality...

Let me preface this blog by saying ... OMG! I am in shock... www.healthystrokes.com...

I was stumbling around the internet the other day and came across this website where some man has proclaimed himself to be a sexpert and he answers young men and woman (think teenagers) questions about sex and relationships... and mainly focusing on masturbation. There is little-to-no information about who he is and what qualifies him to give advice to this impressionable group of people who are seeking information - other then an email handle of "Doug" and one sentence at the bottom of the front page of the site which says he has a PhD "in a field unrelated to sexuality."

His main page to the website is about a theory of TMS which says boys should never masturbate while laying on their stomachs and "rubbing their penises against the mattress, pillow... or some practitioners lie on their stomachs and thrust into their hands." Apparently in his theory this position for masturbating makes the boy grow up to have erectile dysfunction.

This man did not masturbate incorrectly according to Doug! :-P

This theory is refuted on goaskalice.com where she states that the TMS:

"theory isn't widely recognized in the medical community, and there hasn't been follow-up research to see if his claims are valid. Researchers have cited that these problems with getting and maintaining an erection may be more related to stressors in a person's emotional, psychological and/or physical well-being." 

Its also states on the University of California, Sociology Department website that TMS"

"should be treated as a hypothesis rather than a fact, because of the lack of research and the absence of support from other researchers. No medical dictionary includes Sank's theory about TMS for medical applications. Also, no other research on it has been done since the theory first came out. Additionally, the statistics given in his original research came from a selected audience- and only individuals who were curious about this "syndrome" or feared they suffered from it. All the rest of the scientific literature indicates that there should be no harmful side effects from masturbating in any position. Masturbation is not an addiction, but a habit, and masturbating prone should not affect intercourse. If you have a problem sexually pleasing a female, try several different positions or environments. Do not worry about the TMS article. There are numerous of articles presenting data that are opposite of Sank's argument."

Now that we've established that "Doug" is a quack, I want to bring up the main issue I  - it's with his so-called advice. Majority of the people who write to him for advice/answers are anywhere from 11-16 in age and most of the older-than-16 people that email him are still virgins with little dating experience.

Mini Orca Dildo

Instead of receiving helpful thoughtful advice, or at the very least giving them accurate, consistent information, Doug tells young men that they are biologically required to masturbate as often as possible but only when laying on their backs. And, Doug tells young women basically that their only reason for masturbating is to get themselves accustomed to the feel of having sex with a male partner someday. Therefore anything that is not penis shaped and/or doesn't actually feel like the sensations a woman will get from heterosexual sexual intercourse shouldn't be tried in masturbation. I guess Doug would not be down for a woman using the Mini Orca:

Included in his gems of advice to young girls are such nuggets as:

• Don't use more then one finger on or in yourself, otherwise you may get addicted to the feel of hands, and sex is about having a penis inside you and being able to orgasm from that sensation.
• Don't use anything thicker then a taper candle, otherwise you'll end up stretched out and a penis wont satisfy you.
• Don't use any sort of running water on your clit, because this will desensitize you and after awhile you will lose the ability to orgasm.
• Don't use anything that vibrates, because they will have the same effect that running water will, and then you won't be able to enjoy real sex when you start having it.  And, if you don't enjoy it, then the man won't enjoy it with you and he won't stay with you.
• He claims that girls should never experiment with other girls because that won't get them ready for "real" sex.

To the girl who was "wondering the best way to access porn, because it turns me on. And, is it abnormal that I like to have the TV turned off and a porn pictures in front of me to achieve an orgasm?" Our cums-in-his-pants-at-the-site-of-a-nipple Doug replies, "That's very abnormal for a girl. You should be able to reach orgasm without pictures. You need to learn to be aroused by other things."

To the girl who asked  him "There's this guy who keeps asking me out but I just don't want to go out with him. What should I say?" Our lives-in-his-moms-basement-and-can't-get-a-date Doug replied, "Why don't you give him a chance? There might come a time when guys stop asking."

To the girl who wrote that she has "been masturbating since I was 13 but I can only orgasm when masturbating if I think of a very big penis. Is this normal?" Our small-dicked-and-even-smaller-balled Doug replied, "No. You should try thinking about anything except a big penis for and develop some new interests."

It is astounding to me that all of his answers, whether to young males or females, seemed to be aimed to make sure girls are not sexually aware of their bodies but that boys are sexually mature - this is indicated to the extreme by the fact that Doug states numerous times that it's a biological imperative for males to masturbate and have sex, but that women aren't supposed to like it and/or only supposed to masturbate in ways to prepare themselves to be used by males at some point in the future. Only actual penile penetration is acceptable to Doug on a woman, no toys after she starts having sex with a man ...

... And, I could go on and on with the things that sicken me on this site, but it all adds up to the fact that Doug has never been laid and is a chauvinistic, repressed, twisted male with a huge ego, small brain and even smaller dick...


I think that I have found our Doug...

It's all in your point of view...

This is a breakdown of how the gender's view a first date. Obviously, I am not a man, so I'm guessing on his view, but from all the conversations I've had with men, I'm fairly confident that it's accurate for 90% of the men out there... Enjoy...
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She’s so nervous. This is their first time going out on a date. What if he doesn’t like her? What should she wear? What if the conversation lags? She spends an hour (easily) getting herself ready. She tries on four outfits, minimum. Even her perfume choice is thought out carefully as to what message it might send to him. This might as well be a job interview. Will this lead to her happily ever after? Is he going to be her white knight? Will her last name change soon?

6pm comes and goes and he hasn’t shown up. She assumes he is standing her up. Where could he be? What is wrong with her that he doesn’t like her? How could she have screwed this up before it even got started? Oh man, was it because I said yes to the date too quickly? Did I come across as desperate?  Oh there is he… well its about damn time- doesn’t he understand how stressful this is? Being more then 10 minutes late requires a phone call, Mr. Right Now.

Ok, smile. He’s coming to the door. Small talk commences. She tries to consciously let go of the fact that he is late and shrugs away his excuse telling him it doesn’t matter- but mentally puts a check on the con side of the “keep him around” list.  She smiles and congratulates herself on choosing the right shirt as she catches him glancing down her blouse. And, puts a check in the pro column as he doesn’t ogle her or become creepy about the attention to her cleavage. He gets another pro check for wearing a collared unwrinkled shirt.

They get in his car and he turns on the radio. What did she do now? Why doesn’t he want to talk anymore? Does he really have to drown me out this soon? This will never last. Who actually doesn’t want to talk on a first date? What the hell is he listening to anyways? Doesn’t he care that anyone outside of angry emo kids actually like this kind of music? As they speed up, he turns the music up. She sits in silence- making another check in the con list.

Well, really! She told him to pick the restaurant, but this is just plain cheap. Who brings someone here on a first date? Oh well, free meal from this man and then we can move on to actually finding her Knight. Is he seriously ordering light beer?  How tacky is that? Small talk continues. He is easy to chat with… put that in the pro column. He shovels food in with both elbows on the table and talks with his mouth full… con column.

He seriously doesn’t have anything planned after supper? No movie, no play, no plan? Is this all the effort he will put into a date with me? He wants to come hang out with me? Well, I guess that’s ok. He did pay for supper after all… we can watch a movie at my place.

They head back to her place. He’s playing that lousy music again. Does he seriously need directions? He just drove to my place 90 minutes ago. Put forgetful in the con column. He doesn’t seem too interested in watching a movie, he has no opinion on what to watch. He is the guest in my home, of course I’m not going to choose what to watch. Well, this is getting awkward. Fine. He won’t choose then I will pick something I want to watch. Here it is… cheesy romance. Watch this movie closely, buddy, you might learn some things.

Two hours sitting in silence at opposite ends of the couch. Fun times. At least he was acting like he enjoyed the movie, check on the pro column. All right. Now the dance to get him out of the house with nothing more then a good night kiss. Turn off the movie and remain standing… that’s right, Romeo, take the hint and stand up too. I’m walking towards the door, follow me. This way, cutie, follow the nice lady’s boobs. Men are so simple. He does have a nice butt, put that in the pro column.

Alright. Tell him it was nice to meet him. Open the screen door and let him out… follow him out. Ok, give him the ok signs. There ya go. Mmmm he does kiss well. Well, a make-out session would be ok, since I won’t be seeing him again.

Is he seriously reaching for the door handle behind me? What a jerk? He thinks that a good kiss gets him invited to bed? Push him away. Goodbye, don’t call me!

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And, inside the man's head, here is how he is viewing that same first date…

I should really throw on that shirt mom bought me last Christmas that’s been hanging in my closet for a month. Cut these damn tags off, who likes these things anyways. If I was a sports star I would pay someone to cut all the tags off my shirts. Ok. What time was I supposed to be there again? 6pm or 6:30pm? Oh well, split the difference. 6:15 works. Brush my teeth, run a comb thru my hair. Ok lets go. I wonder if I am going to get laid tonight?

I love this song! Don’t really like this cd but this song rocks! Am I seriously at her place already? I wonder if I’ll get laid tonight. That would rock! Have to remember to finish listening this song when we get in the car. Nice house, nice yard. Is she going to be high maintenance?

She seems a little perturbed at me, but she says nothings wrong lets go with that. Wow look at those boobs. Nice shirt choice, maybe I will get laid tonight!

I love this song! She’s doesn’t seem really into talking I guess I will finish the song. I’m glad I’m going out with a chick that’s ok with just listening to music. This restaurant is awesome, happy hour lasts til 8pm and the fries are homemade! She is easy to talk to, I enjoy being with her. She doesn’t even care that I ordered beer on a first date. Good signs. And that cleavage is… WOW. I don’t think she would wear a shirt like that if I wasn’t getting laid tonight would she?

Score for me! I’m invited back to her place tonight. Why is she making a big deal over the movie? It really doesn’t matter what we watch this is just a segway to bed. Put something in already. Oh god. I can’t believe she’s putting in a romance movie. Well, points for me if I can make her think I’m enjoying it.

Boring. Do chicks really get into this? Why is she sitting over there? Can I move closer? This is only a first date. Geez, I hope I get laid after watching this BS.

Ok movie over, move in for the goodnight kiss. Why is she standing? Ok, I guess she wants me to go. Well, here’s the front stoop. NOW she wants a kiss… make her want it. Give her a taste of what she’s missing out on. She is really into this kissing thing. Lets take this back inside.

Shit. Not tonight I guess. We had such a great time. There will always be date two to try for it again!

"Dear Kate" - She left me with my dick hanging out...

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Loosen up: Porn is a woman's friend.

My friends know they can come to me with any of their questions and I will do my best to answer honestly and succinctly. I can't count the number of times I've offended someone, only to have them come back to me a couple weeks later and sheepish inform me that I was right about their issues. The below blog came about from a friend of mine who started a conversation about porn and how she hated it when her husband looked at "that stuff." Even after over an hour of trying to convince her that she was over-reacting, I didn't think the point got through. We dropped the topic and it wasn't brought up again. But, then about two months later her husband cornered me in the grocery store and thanked me for talking to her... so something must have worked...

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Dear Kate,

My man spends too much time looking at porn and jerking off how can I make him stop?

Sincerely,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Put out more.

Sincerely,

Kate

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*giggling uncontrollably* ...

I honestly don’t get the big deal about porn. I mean outside of a conservative church I’ve yet to meet a man who doesn’t look at it regularly. And, I’ve really only rarely met a woman who doesn’t look at it at least occasionally. I understand that some people have an addiction to it and that can be unhealthy. But, for some reason women seem to take offense to their man looking at hot naked women fucking other men- wait… when I put it like that it sounds bad… I mean women get annoyed with their man being a man. It is not cheating to look a picture on a screen. It may be distasteful and disrespectful to do it in front of your woman if she has issue with it, but it’s not morally wrong.

Personally, I much prefer a man who is open about their porn habits then someone who is sneaking around with it. The men who are sneaky and hide it from you are the men who hide other women in their lives as well. Tho, if you are a prude and refuse to accept porn and other sexual needs of your man’s life then he has no choice to hide it from you (in that case him hiding things is your fault and doesn't necessarily mean he's a cheater). In my personal experience the only men who have hid porn from me (since I am open about the issue) are the ones who are generally sneaky and deceptive, and, we've never last long as a couple. I make the effort to openly allow completely honesty with little-to-no repercussions (ie I don't fly off the handle and start a fight every time he brings up an issue like porn). Hence a man who has no "reason" to hide things but still does, has deeper honesty issues; I don't deal with pathological liars for long.

Anyways, every man I’ve dated has looked at porn at the very least a few times a week - even when we're having sex every day. Sometimes they jack off, sometimes they don’t, but watching porn is just something they do. Looking at someone’s boobs is apparently just fun to do from a man’s perspective.  They are simple creatures, can’t blame them for wanting to look at what they don’t have... Female bodies' are beautiful to look at and sex is just plain hot to watch. How a person can look at pics like: (NSFW) sweet sex and think "Eww" is beyond me. Personally I prefer pics like: (NSFW) rough her up but that is just a matter of personal taste ;-)

Besides the honesty issue, porn is a great learning tool! I knew a lot more about sex then you could imagine before I had even kissed a guy. I can’t imagine having gone into that first time sexual encounter knowing only the mere basics of sex that I learned from my parents and friends throughout school (I grew up in a sheltered religious environment). “A man sticks his penis in your vagina” is not all a girl needs to know before actually experiencing it. Porn helped with that. Those years of sneaking onto the family computer after everyone else had gone to sleep and wide-eyedly staring through pages and pages of the google search results for the word "sex" was about as informative as all of my years of experience since highschool has been.

How else would I know about things like sounding, fisting, figging, coprophagia, water sports, hermaphrodites, canarijimmiphilia, balloon fetishes, and klismaphilia? I can tell you that my mind would not have come up with any of those on my own… and I can be pretty twisted. 

And, now I will wait while some of you search some of those fetishes in your search engine of choice……

Ok… satisfied your curiosity? If you really want to learn more about weird fetishes you can click this link to a map of them all organized and categorized. And, yeah, most of that you never will want to try with your partner... or maybe you will, who am I to guess... but in either case isn’t it interesting to know about? I mean how else would you learn how weird the rest of the world is without porn? Its a way to make yourself feel a little bit saner. Having an off-day? Feel like you don't fit in? Remind yourself that at least you are normal, at least you aren't a apotemnophiliac who can only get off by thinking about chopping off your own limbs.

Tangent over... also, how do you expect your man get off when you’re not in the mood? Everyone is into saying that sex is a biological need of men - so would you really rather he finds another partner then look at pictures? If you are the type of woman who doesn’t want to have to satisfy your man regularly even when you are supposedly in a monogamous relationship with him then be thankful that there ways for release for him without cheating. You don’t have as much to worry about if he is jacking off to the computer – worry when he stops looking at porn and you still aren’t putting out. 

So loosen up, women - Porn is your friend.

• If you want honesty in your relationship, a man sharing his love of porn is a good sign that he's honest with you  in other areas too.
• Watching porn together is a great way of connecting and spicing up your sex life.
• If you don’t know much about sex and want to learn then be thankful there is porn so you don’t actually have to meet up with nutcases to learn new sex tips.
• If you don't like sex, yet for some unknown reason want monogamy, you should be glad porn is out there to help a man be faithful to you.