Naughty nuns and fucking under "The" cross...

So, now, a few months in and a few good and few bad experiences into, this whole swinging scene, I'd like to highlight something that still totally baffles me. Perhaps it's just because of my upbringing in the Southern Baptist Christian denomination, but I will never forget the looks of absolute confused horror when when my lover and I walked into the house of the first couple that we met through sls.com and found a bookcase prominently displayed in their living room which resembled a bookshelf found at your local Christian bookstore (a bookstore which is fairly opposite of the bookstore pictured to the right).

This couple was apparently very active in their local church; her dad is a deacon and their children are being raised to be good little Sunday School Christians. And yet this couple claimed to want to want to get to know us; in the biblical sense (pun intended, Lol).

No where in the Christainity in which I was raised is there room for swinging. In fact, just coveting, the "wanting of," your neighbor's wife is a sin tantamount to murder in their god's eyes. People are branded whores if they have sex outside of a god-sanctioned marriage. And, adultery is punishable by death in the Bible. Yet this couple wanted to get completely naked with us (NOT part of their wedded coupleness) and fuck like bunnies in their king-sized bed under the watchful eyes of a tortured and dying man? I would like someone to explain to me how the mental chasm is breached.

How does a person honestly and actively practice a religion in which it's preached that so little as lusting after anyone can land you in hell for all eternity and yet meet up with couple after couple for the express purpose of breaking all moral laws that your religion teaches?

How can a man forward "come-to-jesus" emails and texts interspersed with his "can't wait to fuck your pretty little red head off" texts to me (a complete stranger and definitely NOT his wife) with a good conscious?

Talk about a total dichotomy.

Needless to say for many reasons, we did not swing with this couple. The moral confusion they exuded every day was enough of a turn off that we were about ready to just take playing with them in the bedroom off the table before things went wrong on so many other levels as well.

Now, I have absolutely no problem with any religion so long as you aren't forcing it down my throat. Christianity, while not for me, has done a lot of good for a lot of people, and more power to you if you have found a spiritual path that works for you. 

BUT, you cannot expect me to want to fuck you if you tell me me in one breath that you "can just tell I'm angling for a hard spanking" and the next minute talk about your church's Sunday services and how meaningful they are to your family. 

I prefer my fucking without the side helping of hellfire and guilt, thanks.

The only religion that I want in my bedroom is a naughty nun costume... ;-)

Explaining Donkey Shows to the Incredibly Naive...

I was watching "House" reruns this afternoon and I was reminded of the first time I saw this particular episode. I was watching it with a friend of mine (who we'll call Liz for the purposes of this blog), who is very much the epitome of a conservative Christian. In general, House is TV that is safe for us to watch together since, "while there is some cussing and dis-respectfulness from the main characters, there is very little gore and next to no sex" - there is even fairly little of that dreaded nudity that religious people seem to be so afraid of.


I'm going to go off on a slight tangent here and state that I have no freaking idea why most religious people think that it is better for a person to see someone’s intestines spilled out on the ground and/or their heads detached from their bodies and fountains of blood created, then it is for a person to see an image such as this one to your left...

 

...and how this girl can somehow be more "damning" and "damaging" then some of the scenes from movies like "Saw" or "Hostel" is beyond my understanding.

Anyways...

In the beginning of this particular episode, Dr. House was working in the outpatient section of the hospital doing his clinic hours (he seriously hates dealing with the with the general public... well... human being in general he really prefers to avoid). And during this particular day in the clinic, one of his patients is a 20-something, fairly heavily made-up, pretty woman who, though many sarcastic innuendos, House discovers is a local prostitute *insert witty banter here* and House seems like he is in heaven being around this sexually confident, slutty woman (and I am using the term "slut" with the utmost respect... it is never meant to be an insult when I use that word).

The whore ends up revealing to House that she has a sore throat and a rash on her neck and upper chest. House deduces (through many TV appropriate double entendres), that she contracted this rash through her work. Apparently, when a human woman gets in too close with any member of the equine family (horses, mules, etc...), there are certain types of diseases that can be contracted inter-specially. The prostitute then leaves House with a flyer (which we never see) inviting him to come watch her performance. Fun stuff - I was definitely amused, my friend was looking more and more perplexed as the scene went on. 

Ok, quick recap --- a whore has gotten a disease from a donkey. Pretty self-explanatory, eh? I mean she is already sexually, ummm, enlightened, yeah, that it...  How do YOU think she caught a disease from a donkey? .......... That's what I thought - Sooooooooo obvious!

Since I have no desire to post pics of an ACTUAL "Donkey Show" in this blog...

Above is the most tasteful picture of naked women and a horse that I could find.

 

I mean with all the cowgirls and horse enthusiasts out there how rare is it that the general public hears about an interspecies disease from horseBACK riding. Diseases like this must be more common amongst horseCOCK riding enthusiasts. Well, at the end of the show, House goes to a Christmas Eve church service, and the camera pans to show the prostitute playing Mary in a live nativity scene. 

My naive friend, Liz, says, "OH! That's how the horse is involved, I was wondering about that."

 

I should have kept my mouth shut. I really REALLY should have. But, instead, without thinking, I laugh at her and unconsciously blurt out something to the effect of "Geez, no way, that woman had sex with that donkey or at least with SOME horse if not that one - I mean, seriously, how else would SHE have gotten the rash and yet no one else in that nativity or even the donkey's owner showed any of the same symptoms?" Open mouth, stick foot in...

So we end up having a long, detailed conversation with me explaining to going-into-shock-Liz about donkey shows in Mexico, women doing various species of animals, and the many other (in her mind) "sick" fetishes that her limited in scope imagination had never thought ANYONE would be interested in, let alone actually participate in.  Liz just kept repeating over and over that she wanted to know if these "perverts knew how many other good, wholesome things there are in God's world that they could be doing to honor Him and be respectful to the body he gave them rather then trying to have sex with a horse." 

I definitely opened the can of worms that evening, and like the proverbial train wreck, she kept asking questions about all of these topics that she really really REALLY didn't want to know about. I explained about clubs that my fellow college students had found while on spring break. Liz was completely aghast that $20.00 would get you in to watch a live show of a live human woman fucking a horse. 

I told her my personal opinion of bestiality too - lest she think that I am personally into this particular type of sex. Its really not that exciting; it's just completely, well, weird - though I suppose it's just one of those issues that is to each his own. But, in the words of that guy from The 40 Year Old Virgin… "you kinda feel bad for the woman, and the horse!"  

Have you ever googled horse porn? These two particular species just aren't physically compatible  to bring each other sexual pleasure. So this porn has to be just for the images and imagination of the viewers and not actually for either participants’ pleasure. The horse’s dick is way too long to even fit 1/10 of it inside a woman. 

Besides that a horse's cock never really looks like it ever gets completely hard. Though I suppose that would be difficult and take way too much of the beasts blood supply considering that his penis is usually close over 24 inches in length - even if we measured it proportionally, the horse's cock is way larger when compared to his body then a mans cock is - it would be like the human male having dick larger then a Pringles can / tennis ball tube thingy. Hence, the proportionally larger supply of blood that would be needed to keep that baseball bat sized thing hard on a horse would make the horse pass out from lack of blood to his lungs and brain.

Anyways, horse porn always looks like you're trying to stuff an uncooked steak into a limp balloon (get that mental picture in your head because that's exactly how it looks and I am not about to post any pics of that particular fetish here, Lol).

And, given these vast anatomical differences, how could any woman view sex with a horse as anything besides a pain in the ass? 


Pun intended...  hehe...


 

So, I finally shut my mouth from its incessant rambling and Liz sits there with a look of absolute horror on her face. Needless to say, despite the fact that she chose the TV show, and she asked the questions, and she never once asked me to change the topic or stop my explanation of the subject ... that evening was one of the last times that I saw my friend Liz. Somehow it was my fault that her "innocence" was destroyed by my knowledge of horse sex. 

I can't be blamed for her curiosity or demonized for being intelligent and informed enough in regards to all aspects of sexuality to be able to answer her questions ... but it doesn't really surprise me, given the level of religious brainwashing she's undergone.

I've always thought that the real reason she avoided me after that discussion was because perhaps, since she was SO sheltered in all areas sexual, she found herself enjoying the description of horse sex a little TOO much for her own comfort and ended up blaming me for giving her kinky, horny dreams of huge cocks... dreams which were so not in line with her church's teachings - well, if she did get to have some sweaty, orgasmic dreams that night, she was so lucky!

"Healthy Strokes"??? Only if you're repressed in all areas of sexuality...

Let me preface this blog by saying ... OMG! I am in shock... www.healthystrokes.com...

I was stumbling around the internet the other day and came across this website where some man has proclaimed himself to be a sexpert and he answers young men and woman (think teenagers) questions about sex and relationships... and mainly focusing on masturbation. There is little-to-no information about who he is and what qualifies him to give advice to this impressionable group of people who are seeking information - other then an email handle of "Doug" and one sentence at the bottom of the front page of the site which says he has a PhD "in a field unrelated to sexuality."

His main page to the website is about a theory of TMS which says boys should never masturbate while laying on their stomachs and "rubbing their penises against the mattress, pillow... or some practitioners lie on their stomachs and thrust into their hands." Apparently in his theory this position for masturbating makes the boy grow up to have erectile dysfunction.

This man did not masturbate incorrectly according to Doug! :-P

This theory is refuted on goaskalice.com where she states that the TMS:

"theory isn't widely recognized in the medical community, and there hasn't been follow-up research to see if his claims are valid. Researchers have cited that these problems with getting and maintaining an erection may be more related to stressors in a person's emotional, psychological and/or physical well-being." 

Its also states on the University of California, Sociology Department website that TMS"

"should be treated as a hypothesis rather than a fact, because of the lack of research and the absence of support from other researchers. No medical dictionary includes Sank's theory about TMS for medical applications. Also, no other research on it has been done since the theory first came out. Additionally, the statistics given in his original research came from a selected audience- and only individuals who were curious about this "syndrome" or feared they suffered from it. All the rest of the scientific literature indicates that there should be no harmful side effects from masturbating in any position. Masturbation is not an addiction, but a habit, and masturbating prone should not affect intercourse. If you have a problem sexually pleasing a female, try several different positions or environments. Do not worry about the TMS article. There are numerous of articles presenting data that are opposite of Sank's argument."

Now that we've established that "Doug" is a quack, I want to bring up the main issue I  - it's with his so-called advice. Majority of the people who write to him for advice/answers are anywhere from 11-16 in age and most of the older-than-16 people that email him are still virgins with little dating experience.

Mini Orca Dildo

Instead of receiving helpful thoughtful advice, or at the very least giving them accurate, consistent information, Doug tells young men that they are biologically required to masturbate as often as possible but only when laying on their backs. And, Doug tells young women basically that their only reason for masturbating is to get themselves accustomed to the feel of having sex with a male partner someday. Therefore anything that is not penis shaped and/or doesn't actually feel like the sensations a woman will get from heterosexual sexual intercourse shouldn't be tried in masturbation. I guess Doug would not be down for a woman using the Mini Orca:

Included in his gems of advice to young girls are such nuggets as:

• Don't use more then one finger on or in yourself, otherwise you may get addicted to the feel of hands, and sex is about having a penis inside you and being able to orgasm from that sensation.
• Don't use anything thicker then a taper candle, otherwise you'll end up stretched out and a penis wont satisfy you.
• Don't use any sort of running water on your clit, because this will desensitize you and after awhile you will lose the ability to orgasm.
• Don't use anything that vibrates, because they will have the same effect that running water will, and then you won't be able to enjoy real sex when you start having it.  And, if you don't enjoy it, then the man won't enjoy it with you and he won't stay with you.
• He claims that girls should never experiment with other girls because that won't get them ready for "real" sex.

To the girl who was "wondering the best way to access porn, because it turns me on. And, is it abnormal that I like to have the TV turned off and a porn pictures in front of me to achieve an orgasm?" Our cums-in-his-pants-at-the-site-of-a-nipple Doug replies, "That's very abnormal for a girl. You should be able to reach orgasm without pictures. You need to learn to be aroused by other things."

To the girl who asked  him "There's this guy who keeps asking me out but I just don't want to go out with him. What should I say?" Our lives-in-his-moms-basement-and-can't-get-a-date Doug replied, "Why don't you give him a chance? There might come a time when guys stop asking."

To the girl who wrote that she has "been masturbating since I was 13 but I can only orgasm when masturbating if I think of a very big penis. Is this normal?" Our small-dicked-and-even-smaller-balled Doug replied, "No. You should try thinking about anything except a big penis for and develop some new interests."

It is astounding to me that all of his answers, whether to young males or females, seemed to be aimed to make sure girls are not sexually aware of their bodies but that boys are sexually mature - this is indicated to the extreme by the fact that Doug states numerous times that it's a biological imperative for males to masturbate and have sex, but that women aren't supposed to like it and/or only supposed to masturbate in ways to prepare themselves to be used by males at some point in the future. Only actual penile penetration is acceptable to Doug on a woman, no toys after she starts having sex with a man ...

... And, I could go on and on with the things that sicken me on this site, but it all adds up to the fact that Doug has never been laid and is a chauvinistic, repressed, twisted male with a huge ego, small brain and even smaller dick...


I think that I have found our Doug...

Anything besides vanilla is feared - Proposition 8

Comics against Prop 8 ... Jack Black is Jesus!

I just saw the video linked above the other day and I’ve been reading a lot of my fellow adult bloggers writings’ lately and it seems like the current hot button issue with many of them is the judge striking down “Proposition 8” in CA as unconstitutional. I’m putting my two cents out there regarding this next step towards making marriage legal for everyone.

For anyone who’s lived under a rock for the past year or so, Proposition 8 was a law enacted in CA that banned homosexuals from getting married. The religious right and their “marriage equals only one man and one woman” slogans and bumper stickers championed this proposition. People who believe things like “homosexuality is not just a sin against God, but a sin against nature" and “homosexual sex as harmful as drug abuse, prostitution or smoking” raised irrational fears and caused a panic. And, unfortunately the ban was initially passed. But, Proposition 8 was challenged almost immediately in the court system. This week, Federal Judge Vaughn Walker has struck down the ban stating it was unconstitutional because (the below is loosely quoted from a couple CNN articles):

“Proposition 8 demanded discrimination solely on the basis of sexual preferences and sexual orientation and it places the force of law behind discrimination against gays and lesbians and the belief that their relationships do not deserve the recognition of society. Proposition 8 somehow passed even though no rational basis for this discrimination was presented. The only reason for Proposition 8, he wrote, is a moral view that there is something wrong with homosexuals, and that is not a permissible reason for legislation. “Moral disapproval alone,” he wrote, in words that could help change history, “is an improper basis on which to deny rights.’”

OK. News flash over. On to the fun stuff. I’ve come to the conclusion that majority of people are afraid of anything except vanilla sex and they will do everything possible to try and squeeze the world into their idea of a “normal” life – married, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence in the suburbs and sex in the missionary position every third weeknight with the lights off.

Here is a little about me. My man and I have been together for over two years, and living together for almost that length of time. We both were tired of dating and agreed to go on one "non-date" and see what happened. Well, short story is that we clicked, and fast forward to today. We are still best friends, have never been seriously upset with each other, living together is awesome, and we are talking about opening up the relationship a little and bringing others into our bedroom (a friend of mine is going to film an adult movie at my house and we both want to ummm "entertain" the actors when they're off-camera. I mean, someone has to keep those cocks hard and pussies wet while they’re waiting for their turn in the spotlight- they can’t be allowed to go into the scene looking bored and limp).

I've been in the swinging scene before and the dom/sub scene, and heck, I was in college after all – I kissed a girl before Katy Perry made it cool. My Hunny has also had various levels of open relationships. But, even as great as things are with us, I have no desire to marry him, nor him to marry me.

I was at a cocktail reception in honor of a family friend the other day and a few different people whom I hadn't seen in 10+ years were making marriage comments to me. No matter how much I tried to explain that I wasn't interested, they seemed to think that it just meant that my man isn't the right one and when I meet "Mr. Right" I will want marriage and babies. Finally, I just started saying that I love my man, I love our life together and that I've no desire to change (and most likely ruin) our blissful relationship just because the sex-starved majority think that a ring should be my only goal. Then I asked them when the last time they had sex with the "love of their life" was because I can generally count the span between getting laid in hours ... and that shut them up. Mortified my mother, but it made the rude questions stop.

However, as much as I do not want marriage in my own life, I do NOT think it is the government’s place to legislate who I could or couldn’t marry! It seems to me that the very definition of separating church and state should have kept this proposal completely off the table. It’s beyond my comprehension how this supposedly free nation could have allowed a law to be passed when it does nothing but attempt to enforce the religious right’s fear of homosexuality.

Because that’s what it is - fear. Just because their holy book says so, the thought of two women or two men falling in love has been brainwashed into them as something ugly instead of something beautiful. I still remember the first time I caught my hunny checking out a chick a few weeks into our relationship. He realized I saw him and was doing that stammering thing that men do when caught in this situation. They are trying to think of some excuse for having eyes that still work when apparently most women think that men’s eyes are supposed to become defective as soon as they are in a relationship with him.

Joking aside, I am straight (mostly), but I do appreciate a woman’s body. We’re beautiful. I’ve had threesomes (MMF and MFF) and foursomes and I am not afraid of touching and being touched. There are quite a few things sexually that I have no interest in doing with a woman, whereas I have next to no limits with men (just the usual - no scat, kids or animals).

But, more importantly to the marriage subject, I’ve never felt even slightly emotionally attracted to a female. I have only loved men in that way. And, since marriage, under the fancy dress and ceremony, is just a legal contract to express the love and commitment that two people have towards each other, I would only ever take that step with a man.

This very fact, that I have a definite opinion about my own sexuality and who I would want to marry if I was so inclined and me knowing that these drives weren’t given to me by someone nor was I coerced into them through societal/religious brainwashing, makes me a complete believer in the fact that whether you’re homo or hetero is not a choice - it is in your nature. I don’t want someone telling me what I can and cannot enjoy in the privacy of my own home with a willing partner, so it only follows that I won’t tell someone else they can’t do “x” – fair is fair after all.

How would Proposition 8 proponents feel if we banded together and made it law that, oh I don’t know, having sex without using a whip was illegal? Or decided that no one was allowed to get married until they had fucked their partner regularly for at least a month? That last one is something which any sane person would do anyways, but most the Proposition 8 supporters that I know aren’t sane. They are all definitely more the “sex is a sin which will make me burn in a lake of fire for all eternity unless I have a ring on the third finger of my left hand, but once I get that ring then sex is OK in missionary position only” type of people.

I guarantee you that even they, these sex-phobic haters, would be on the side of personal privacy if it was theirs being threatened. How can they think that it is moral, by anyone’s standards, to outlaw something natural that people are born feeling/being? The last time someone tried to make genetic traits/heritage illegal/evil, he started World War II.

Besides all that, this is just plain hot!

(Can't forget all the sexy gay men, represented here with Adam Lambert! I love Glambert and his music ... 20 days until I see him in concert - it will be my first real concert ever, outside of small local bands at bars.)

"Dear Kate" - Spanking the Monkey

Dear Kate,

I know that masturbating is a sin. But, I just can’t seem to help myself. What can I do to stop these evil urges?

Sincerely,

Sinning for Pleasure

Dear Sinning for Pleasure,

The only way I know of to stop those urges is to die – good luck with that.

Sincerely,

Kate

Dear Kate,

I am a happily married woman. I would never think of cheating on my husband. But, there was this really hot waiter at the restaurant yesterday and I went home and had a nice ummm “bubblebath” with him in my head. Now I feel horrible. Was that really cheating?

Sincerely,

Mental Cheater

Dear Mental Cheater,

You told me you are a happily married woman… you didn’t say anything about going blind. Imagination is god’s gift to the monogamous person.

Sincerely,

Kate

Dear Kate,

My girlfriend and I have an active sex life, I honestly can’t complain. However, I still like to have some “me times” occasionally. My g/f pitched a bitch fit the other day when she walked in on me. She told me that if I was honestly in love with her and satisfied with her that I wouldn’t ever want to do “that dirty thing.” Am I really supposed to choose between my girlfriend and my hand?

Sincerely,

Torn

Dear Torn,

Well, I doubt this is the first time the topic has come up so why did you let your oversensitive g/f catch you? You say you have an active sex life and yet your g/f considers masturbation dirty? She might have bigger issues then you’re letting on. Tell her that sex is like a restaurant. Just because you order a salad from time to time doesn’t mean you honestly prefer it over the Filet Mignon.

Sincerely,

Kate

_______________________________________________________________

I have to say. People are very very screwed up when it comes to self-love. I have honestly talked to many people (mostly religious ones) who think that getting yourself off is a sin paramount to sex before marriage. Basically these types of people expect everyone who isn’t married to have no sexuality whatsoever. It’s a fear thing. If you can please yourself, then you aren't as driven to finding a mate (the only moral sex partner). And, then it follows that if you aren’t working on finding a mate then you aren’t making rugrats that can be brainwashed into thinking that they have to find a mate before mating. Geez.

Religion is the greatest form of social control invented. I honestly cannot understand how my own pastors' (and even parents) justified preaching at me that masturbation is something that a person should feel guilty about. Even when I try to look at it from a conservatively religious viewpoint - didn’t their god create everything? So aren’t these “urges” that well up inside a person from their god?

I think that it’s a great thing when a person is able to "take care of" themselves. There would be a lot fewer STDs going around if casual “hook up” sex" was forgone and replaced with pleasuring yourself. Why don't they see that it would be a safer, saner practice to teach people ways to fulfill their “urges” outside of marriage rather then expecting them to not have any desire until their wedding day? Its completely unrealistic and its creating more problems then it's ever helped end. It is just not right to try and force human beings to become choir boys and sunday school girls all because of fear of losing control over them. Certain religions focus on keeping people feeling guilty enough to keep coming back to the church for absolution. How messed up is that?

I would be in SO much trouble if the average person (even those who think they know me) knew half the things that went through my head in an average day: sexual fantasies notwithstanding. Everyone’s imagination is different - mine is very vivid and active. The average person can and does fantasize about any one that crosses their path. It is not cheating to think about someone other then your chosen mate during masturbation or sex.

Now if you let those fantasies take control of your mind and/or life then you have a problem. If you let it get to the point that you “have” to have that someone you’ve been imagining about you need to learn to let it go. You have to be able to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Just because the garden boy is a awesome lover in your bubblebath fantasy that doesn’t mean that he is worth pursuing. Just because that waitress looks like the star of your favorite porn vid doesn’t mean that you should pursue her in expectation of her sex being like your fantasy.

I meet so many women (in general it is just women with this sexual problem) who seem to feel that if they so much as think about another man they might as well have fucked him. They hate that their man watches porn because they are jealous of the porn star getting any of their man’s attention. Females need to understand that what goes on in someone’s mind is just that, going on in their mind… it has nothing to do with their actions. Their actions prove what their mind has decided. If your lover is true to you and you are faithful to your partner then you have nothing to worry about if you occasionally have an incredible orgasm because of the man who washed your car for you that day.

I will put the caveat in here that unless you are very secure in your relationship and you and your partner are very open with each other, you should probably keep all mental images to yourself. No one wants to feel replaced or second best in your life. Unless you have the type of relationship that allows for that level of honesty you should keep your words to your partner in line with your actions not your fantasies – there is no need to tell your partner that you broke the dildo because the waiter got you all hot and bothered at lunch.

Guys and jacking off; I’ve harped on this before but seriously get over it already. Because men are such physical creatures be glad that they are happy to get themselves off sometimes instead of expecting you to do it five times a day. Almost every married woman I know absolutely hates the fact that her man might do himself once in awhile instead of doing her (even in marriages that she’s only receptive to him doing her Friday nights at 11pm). Even when I am in a relationship with a loving man and have no complaints about our sex life, both of us still enjoy pleasing ourselves sometimes.

There is no reason to think that masturbation is going to replace sex in your relationship. Unless your man has serious issues he will always still prefer you to his hand. But, I don’t know a woman alive who wants to have sex as often as a man wants to masturbate. I’ve talked to many guys about the topic and the average number of times that a man masturbates is 15-20 times a week (even when in a relationship). That’s 2-3 times a day! I would be rubbed raw if I had sex 2-3 times a day for any number of days in a row! Thank God he has his hand!!!

Getting off for the sake of getting off is not an interest to me. Maybe that’s the basis for the difference in men and women. Orgasms aren’t really that important to women. Men won’t believe that, but they aren’t. We’d much rather have a good man who keeps us satisfied outside of the bedroom and with whom we merely enjoy sex with then a careless insensitive man but who gives us awesome orgasms. Most women would seriously rather paint thier toenails and read a book then have routine, rote sex for twenty minutes before rolling to face the wall and going to sleep. BOOOOORRRRING. Sex should be, at least, fun. Since it’s the man who wants to have sex more often (in most cases), it's up to him to keep it fun.

That’s the main difference – Men want sex for an orgasm, so they easily get that orgasm from their hand. Women want an experience, so they don’t always grasp the purely physical side of sex that a man craves. Its natural to please yourself even when you're honestly and sincerely satisfied with your relationship’s sex life.

Culturally Sexual Differences

Ok, now this whole incident is just plain wrong on so many levels. It was flattering and annoying and cute and obnoxious and interesting and unbelievable all at the same time.

I used to go over to my adopted grandparent’s house in Blacksburg fairly regularly and help them out with... well, whatever they need help with. They have a studio apartment in the basement that they rent out to whoever needs it. Their tenants are usually some pretty interesting characters. Especially since they are both extreme liberals and most of their friends fall under the hippie/activist personality type.

Well, anyways, they once rented the apartment to a man from the Republic of Benin, Africa. He was 32 years old, married, had two or three kids, and was here in the States alone for a couple months to do post-grad work at VT. He had the most adorable French-ish accent you can imagine. I met him for the first time over dinner on a typical Wednesday evening with the grandparents.

When, he held my hand for a second too long when he said hello, I wrote it off as his culture... I'd never met anyone actually from Africa before, but Latinos are notorious for having no personal space bubble, so it was a logical assumption on my part. He did the whole look-you-up-and-down thing that's so typically male that I just laughed at him. And, the entire greeting took all of five seconds so my grandparents didn't pick up on anything (honestly I wasn’t even sure that I was reading him correctly at the time).

He was cute, and sweet and talkative. The entire dinner was spent with him explaining his research project, and his country, and complimenting the jambalaya that I’d made. Nice guy. Nice accent. Though I had a hard time following what he was saying because I would get caught up in just listening to the rhythms of his speech – even nicer then Jamaican. He started playing with my camera phone after dinner and we ended up getting pictures of all of us. He asked me to email him the pictures later and so I agreed.

After I had helped the grandparents with some things around the house, I put the left over jambalaya in a dish and brought it down to Theo in his apartment so that I could get his email address and send him the pictures. He had changed clothes… now he was wearing just boxers and no shirt. But, he didn't seem to be embarrassed so I didn't say anything. If he could be cool, I could too. He pulled out a business card but didn't hand it to me.

Then he said, in his adorable accent, "Can I discuss something with you?" I agreed and smiled. He gestured to the chair that was facing his bed and then sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at me.

Now, if there is one thing I've learned from my many years of international travel and from being active with the international population at Virginia Tech is that internationals often have no clue how to behave in the US, and that other cultures are vastly different then our own. Hence the term “culture shock” has been invented. You have to take everything in stride when dealing with internationals. Anyways, I guess he was lucky that I am who I am and not some typical American girl … or worse a feminist.

He proceeded to ask if I would be his friend while he was here in the USA and take him out sometimes so he didn't have to sit in the apartment alone, and so that he could have discussions in English with me. I was getting an inkling of where this was going but I was trying to play dumb so I told him that of course I would be his friend and that we could go get coffee sometime and I would love to let him practice his English with me (and I was genuine, he is a nice friendly talkative guy who I wouldn't have minded spending some time with).

Then came the shocker…He reached out with both hands and grasped my wrists and looked me directly in the eyes from about 10 inches away and said "I find you very beautiful. Perhaps I can be… not husband, what is word? Boyfriend! Yes, you need a boyfriend?"

No, no, no, no, no! It was said so calmly and rationally that I wasn't sure I had understood him… maybe this man didn't know what the word boyfriend meant! I pointed at his wedding ring and told him that I couldn't do anything with him because his wife would hunt me down. This phrase apparently perplexed him. "Hunt me down?" he asked. "Yes." I replied firmly, "Your wife would come over here to America and…" I made the slitting gesture across my throat with my hand.

Now that he understood. He dropped my wrists, grabbed his own throat and looked at me in complete shock. "They, women, are allowed to do this here?" I told him that women aren't allowed to actually kill, but that in America wives don't allow their husbands to touch other women and that it would cause trouble in the relationship and would probably cause a divorce.

His retort? "Well, in my culture this is not the way it is. Man is allowed to have other girlfriends when he is married; we even have more than one wife. So, it is ok in my culture and you can be my girlfriend! Even if my wife were here she would say it was ok. Sex is good, and she is far away so she will understand… you like sex?"

I swear to you my jaw hit the floor. Now I am very open about everything regarding sex. But, never in my life have I had a completely serious, calm, rational discussion with a married man I’d met two hours before about why I could not be his girlfriend for two months.

So, I told him that yes I liked sex, but he had a wife and he was in MY culture right now and that in my culture that means that I cannot touch him. He was very logical, told me that since HE was the one that was married it was HIS culture that dictated what he could do in his relationship. He told me that he would take me back to Africa with him and I could see and then I could be his girlfriend. “AH, a way out” I thought. "Ok, Theo, if I come visit you in Africa and your wife tells me herself that she is ok with you having a girlfriend then maybe I will be."

And, saying that, I stood to leave. I was trying very hard to not leave him with the impression that all American women are frigid bitchs. The entire discussion lasted over thirty minutes. I seriously sat there and tried to explain for over a half hour why I was not going to take him on as a lover. I don't think he got it!

He went for a hug when I said that I had to leave. I am fine with hugs. Whatever. But, then he groped me like a horny highschool boy. Butt, waist, breasts… seriously took me a second to fight off the shock before I started struggling. I was also laughing the whole time; it was so incredible. And, him wearing only boxers, it was easy to tell that he was very, um, happy. He caught my wrists again and made sure I knew how happy he was. No, no, no, no. Anyways, I finally managed to un-entangle myself from him, and he had the nerve to ask me when I was coming again.

I was still shaking my head in incredulity but I said I’d be back the next week and that I would bring him some movies to borrow (we had talked about that earlier). He asked me if I was going to watch them with him. I told him only if he would behave. Apparently he didn't know the word "behave" so I tried- "be good." He told me he was good and would be very good for me.

I rolled my eyes at him… "I mean treat me like a friend and ONLY a friend. NOT a girlfriend." His reply and I shut the door in his face? "Ok, for now."

So, I'm sitting there a couple weeks later having further "discussions" with Theo, I'm wondering how many typical young women would be able to not run screaming from the room. Most of my peers would not have been comfortable with the conversation twists that occurred (not knocking my age group, just pointing out that intelligent American women are quite often not open to male viewpoints from other cultures).

Listening to him talk about gender roles in his culture, I couldn't decide if he is speaking from a ten-year old boys perspective or the perspective of someone still living in the 18th century. Perhaps both. For a very educated man, his views on gender and sexuality were quite backwards. Such statements as "Well, the woman does not need sex, but the man’s mental state is based on whether he gets to fuck regularly- it is all biological" seemed to be spouted off with complete certainty.

I asked him if it was ok for his wife to find a new lover while he was away, he told me "No". Quite simply, quite plainly, with a tone that told me he thought me quite absurd for even thinking to ask such a thing. He follows the different zip codes rule apparently. He doesn't sleep with any other women in the Republic of Benin, but anytime he is out of the country he takes on a lover or two – and the guy travels a lot.

He spent probably thirty minutes explaining to me the lessons that his friend's father would give them about how to please a woman- in graphic detail I might add- how he was taught that a man "must feel with his fingers to see if she is wet enough to fuck". Man oh man! I think I must have been blushing for about two hours straight. And, somehow listening to him say all this matter-of-factly in his fairly sexy French accent made it even more absurd to me somehow.

Apparently the only reason that a woman has a right to a divorce in his country is if her man is not a good lover, so much emphasis is placed on teaching boys what to do to keep her happy in bed (now there is a custom that should be adopted here). He didn’t seem to know that "sex" was the common word, he always just used fuck or fucking or fucked. He didn't know many of the words to explain himself in English, so he would point or gesture or touch.

One thing that totally baffled him was that I don't want children (this came about as a result of a discussion on condom use, of course). He simply couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to have a baby. "Babies are good for the world." "You can teach children to be like you and then you live forever." Which I assume was his way of describing a legacy. It confused him even more that "there are men in your culture who would be ok with marrying a woman who would not have a baby?" Babies are next to gods in his culture apparently.

It seems to be just the natural progression of things in his mind that you grow up, get married, and make babies. End of story, no other path to take. He finally tried to justify my weirdness in his head by saying that I "must have a big heart for helping everyone in the world and that I don't want to have to focus all helping energies on one baby when I feel should be helping lots of people", or some such mumbo jumbo. I let it slide.

He was always saying things like how he was drawn to curvy women, and how he knew right after meeting me that I was different then "most white women" he had met and that my "life spark reminded him of African woman from his country." He spent probably twenty minutes trying to explain that to me, and eventually I just nodded my implied agreement even though I still didn't really get what he meant.

I had to remind him several times throughout the evening that he had agreed to be only friends with me and not to try to be more then friends. He would nod and move on. And, then circle back to the subject twenty minutes later. One would think that I would have learned from last time that his hugs are not just hugs, but he had done so well throughout the evening of keeping his hands to himself that I made the mistake of assuming he was over it. So, the goodbye hug was just as horny-highschool-boy as last time. He was a bit on the scrawny side which was a good thing because if he were stronger, what was just laughable could have been dangerous.

However, he was very verbally clear that he still wanted to have me as his girlfriend. He even told me about a date he went on the “other night, where, being a man" he could tell she "just wanted him to fuck her." But apparently his "penis wasn't working with her." So he knows that he "wasn't supposed to fuck her, but” he knew that “it would work very well with Kate."

Flattering, disturbing, but flattering.

The worst thing is that I had to go back upstairs and say goodbye to the grandparents. I'm sure I was disheveled and blushing. They told me how nice it was that I was being nice to Theo, and that they were glad for him to have a friend closer to his age. And, that we should have him up for dinner next time I came over since he seemed to enjoy the company so much. I was still half giggling uncontrollably… "Yes, he certainly did seem to enjoy the company." And, I raced out of there.

"Dear Kate" - The fear of the plastic dick

Dear Kate,

My b/f won’t let me bring any toys into the bedroom. How do I get him to open up to the idea?

Sincerely,

More Adventurous then Him

Dear More Adventurous then Him,

Get used to living without your toys or find a new b/f. Men who are so insecure in the bedroom that they “won’t allow” toys have many more issues then being afraid of plastic dicks.

Sincerely,

Kate

_________________________________________________________

I realize there are many reasons that people aren’t comfortable with sex toys. But, majority of the time it is because, in one way or another, they are prudes. That may seem harsh, but from the countless people I’ve talked to about this issue (I mean, what other topics are there to talk about with someone then their sex toy collection, lol), this is the only over-arching explanation I can find.

I know, of course, that some people have issues and can only enjoy sex with their toys and that is a problem. Anything to the extreme is not natural and should be worked on. And, in some cases, if BOTH partners are just plain not into toys, then more power to them as a couple. But, in general, being open to, and enjoying the occasional sex toy is simply a sign of a healthy sex life.

Men complain about women not being into sex. Women complain about their sex life being too boring to be into. Sex toys can fix both of these complaints! Now, I am SURE that everyone knows this, but women are just plain harder to please in the bedroom. To men sex is like pizza – even bad pizza is good pizza. To women I think sex is more like Japanese puffer fish – if it wasn’t prepared perfectly she will quickly lose all interest in eating it again (well, most likely die from the fish, but that doesn’t fit my analogy).

A man has to constantly work to make sure his woman enjoys sex – whereas a woman simply being physically present is generally enough for the average man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead men and contradict me, tell me how much connections mean to you, and how a woman who isn't into sex isn’t likely to capture your attention. But, unfortunately most men, once they feel connected to their partner stop trying to make sex about that connection. They forget about the upkeep that connection requires in the bedroom and instead, as long as she is putting out regularly, are fine with their sex lives. So, for this reason, most of the times when only one partner wants to introduce toys, it is more often the woman who is craving someTHING new in the bedroom (as opposed to men who tend to seek out someONE new when they are bored in bed).

I’ve personally dated (using that word loosely) men with varying viewpoints. I’ve dated a man who actually, seriously expected me to throw out my toys since I “had him now after all.”  And, I’ve dated a man who told me that his “broom is in the closet. Could you please rape me with it?” Somewhere between these two outliers on the bell curve is the normal healthy relationship between couples and sex toys.

I really don’t know any truly modern single woman under the age of 35 who doesn’t have her own toys (even if it is just one vibrator) and often a porn collection as well. But, so many couples seem actually scared of the change that toys could make in their sex life. Instead of welcoming something new (and un-dangerous and un-relationship threatening) to the bedroom one partner or the other ends up making their significant other wrong for wanting a change. People change, it is inevitable, your sex life as a couple will have to change throughout your years together or it will die.

Men (who aren’t into toys) seem to think it makes them less then a man when their woman enjoys toys – it’s as if he thinks that wanting toys mean his woman isn't happy with his cock.

Women (who aren’t into toys) seem to think that it is “degrading” to treat a woman like a toy. And many even seem under the impression that the very act of penetration is “against” the woman – even more so with a toy then a cock.

Both of these are what I call “prude-like” attitudes – and are old-fashioned viewpoints as well. They are also completely selfish, self-centered attitudes.  This type of person is focusing on how THEY feel about a sex toy, rather then focusing on how happy this new toy could make their partner. These people need to get off the high horse of sexual vanilla-ness. Everyone will eventually need to change their sexual lives to match the changes in themselves as humans and themselves as part of a couple.

Onto some tips… here are my recommendations for couples:

Mild: Twin bullets for the woman- one for her ass and one to hold on her clit as you fuck her. Vibrating cock ring for the man – keeps him harder longer and intensifies his orgasm when it comes.

   

Adventurous:  Butt plug for the woman – fills her up and makes it tighter for the man. Anal beads for the man – push them into him and as he is close to cumming pull them out slowly for very heightened orgasm.

Kinky: Bondage gear and massive dildo for the woman – Make her feel like the helpless woman who belongs to you. Stimulator and nipple clamps for the man – make every sensation intensified for the man as well as add a little pain/pleasure to the mix.

Loosen up: Porn is a woman's friend.

My friends know they can come to me with any of their questions and I will do my best to answer honestly and succinctly. I can't count the number of times I've offended someone, only to have them come back to me a couple weeks later and sheepish inform me that I was right about their issues. The below blog came about from a friend of mine who started a conversation about porn and how she hated it when her husband looked at "that stuff." Even after over an hour of trying to convince her that she was over-reacting, I didn't think the point got through. We dropped the topic and it wasn't brought up again. But, then about two months later her husband cornered me in the grocery store and thanked me for talking to her... so something must have worked...

___________________________________________________

Dear Kate,

My man spends too much time looking at porn and jerking off how can I make him stop?

Sincerely,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Put out more.

Sincerely,

Kate

_________________________________________________________

*giggling uncontrollably* ...

I honestly don’t get the big deal about porn. I mean outside of a conservative church I’ve yet to meet a man who doesn’t look at it regularly. And, I’ve really only rarely met a woman who doesn’t look at it at least occasionally. I understand that some people have an addiction to it and that can be unhealthy. But, for some reason women seem to take offense to their man looking at hot naked women fucking other men- wait… when I put it like that it sounds bad… I mean women get annoyed with their man being a man. It is not cheating to look a picture on a screen. It may be distasteful and disrespectful to do it in front of your woman if she has issue with it, but it’s not morally wrong.

Personally, I much prefer a man who is open about their porn habits then someone who is sneaking around with it. The men who are sneaky and hide it from you are the men who hide other women in their lives as well. Tho, if you are a prude and refuse to accept porn and other sexual needs of your man’s life then he has no choice to hide it from you (in that case him hiding things is your fault and doesn't necessarily mean he's a cheater). In my personal experience the only men who have hid porn from me (since I am open about the issue) are the ones who are generally sneaky and deceptive, and, we've never last long as a couple. I make the effort to openly allow completely honesty with little-to-no repercussions (ie I don't fly off the handle and start a fight every time he brings up an issue like porn). Hence a man who has no "reason" to hide things but still does, has deeper honesty issues; I don't deal with pathological liars for long.

Anyways, every man I’ve dated has looked at porn at the very least a few times a week - even when we're having sex every day. Sometimes they jack off, sometimes they don’t, but watching porn is just something they do. Looking at someone’s boobs is apparently just fun to do from a man’s perspective.  They are simple creatures, can’t blame them for wanting to look at what they don’t have... Female bodies' are beautiful to look at and sex is just plain hot to watch. How a person can look at pics like: (NSFW) sweet sex and think "Eww" is beyond me. Personally I prefer pics like: (NSFW) rough her up but that is just a matter of personal taste ;-)

Besides the honesty issue, porn is a great learning tool! I knew a lot more about sex then you could imagine before I had even kissed a guy. I can’t imagine having gone into that first time sexual encounter knowing only the mere basics of sex that I learned from my parents and friends throughout school (I grew up in a sheltered religious environment). “A man sticks his penis in your vagina” is not all a girl needs to know before actually experiencing it. Porn helped with that. Those years of sneaking onto the family computer after everyone else had gone to sleep and wide-eyedly staring through pages and pages of the google search results for the word "sex" was about as informative as all of my years of experience since highschool has been.

How else would I know about things like sounding, fisting, figging, coprophagia, water sports, hermaphrodites, canarijimmiphilia, balloon fetishes, and klismaphilia? I can tell you that my mind would not have come up with any of those on my own… and I can be pretty twisted. 

And, now I will wait while some of you search some of those fetishes in your search engine of choice……

Ok… satisfied your curiosity? If you really want to learn more about weird fetishes you can click this link to a map of them all organized and categorized. And, yeah, most of that you never will want to try with your partner... or maybe you will, who am I to guess... but in either case isn’t it interesting to know about? I mean how else would you learn how weird the rest of the world is without porn? Its a way to make yourself feel a little bit saner. Having an off-day? Feel like you don't fit in? Remind yourself that at least you are normal, at least you aren't a apotemnophiliac who can only get off by thinking about chopping off your own limbs.

Tangent over... also, how do you expect your man get off when you’re not in the mood? Everyone is into saying that sex is a biological need of men - so would you really rather he finds another partner then look at pictures? If you are the type of woman who doesn’t want to have to satisfy your man regularly even when you are supposedly in a monogamous relationship with him then be thankful that there ways for release for him without cheating. You don’t have as much to worry about if he is jacking off to the computer – worry when he stops looking at porn and you still aren’t putting out. 

So loosen up, women - Porn is your friend.

• If you want honesty in your relationship, a man sharing his love of porn is a good sign that he's honest with you  in other areas too.
• Watching porn together is a great way of connecting and spicing up your sex life.
• If you don’t know much about sex and want to learn then be thankful there is porn so you don’t actually have to meet up with nutcases to learn new sex tips.
• If you don't like sex, yet for some unknown reason want monogamy, you should be glad porn is out there to help a man be faithful to you.