Painful Pleasures

Below are a few pirtures from the recent fun I've been having. I will be writing more about the last few pictures at a later time as they are from a very intensely pleasurable scene I got to have tonight. I love meeting new people and learning new things from them. It's all SO much fun!!! And, I am about as unstressed as I've been in a long while. Pain is such a wonderful thing. Forget about going back on the anti-depressants, I just needed to reconnect with my masochistic side, Lol.

I also love that my man is man enough to know when to show humility and ask questions when needed. He is sensitive and kindhearted - yet a complete evil fucker when he's in DerBoss mode. I love it! Hehe!

He wants to be the best Dom for me that he can be. I think he already is, but he's set on learning all the new tricks to giving me pleasure (and pain) that he can possibly learn. How great is it that a man will arrange a time to have another man over to teach him how to better punish me? No pressure or pushing, just lessons for him and relaxation for me. A willingness to learn is not a trait you find in many Doms (in my experience at least), I am a lucky woman. Its a constant amazement to me how great he is - every day we are more and more in love.

Ok ok ok enough with the sappy stuff and on to the porn... :-)

Getting warmed up with my man's nice and thuddy hand smacking my ass. Got a nice pink glow getting started! His hands are amazing. I love when he uses them on me for pain and for pleasure. I am such a lucky girl! 

Working me over with the "Evil Stick"... the thing is down right evil and a horrible sting-ee pain. But, its a good hurt. I love that I am starting to show the purple bruises to match the pink glow and purple evil stick... Lovely, lovely.

Closeup of all the speckles and spots. I LOVE bruises and marks. Reminders of the fun times I just had, and reminders that I am an owned girl. I belong to my man, my love, my everything. He marks me with his marks so that I can never forget it. As if I could - but it's still YUMMY!

Sassy lil devil, aren't I? Have to wear the devil tail butt plug when I've been a naughty little girl. "Go tie yourself to the bed and get ready for your floggings" is heard almost nightly at my house ;-)

First time really playing with wax and knives... HOT HOT HOT! Can't even describe the intensity of all the sensations, especially since I was blindfolded and couldn't tell who was doing what to me or what was coming next... Mmmm...

Showing off the nice knife marks that I will be wearing for awhile... Have to admit, a little bit of fear and real pain brings out the best in me, Lol. I haven't been this relaxed in days!

Getting alternately poked and scratched with a knife then splattered with hot wax ... all while being pinned down and blindfolded... talk about sensory overload ... in the best possible way! Awesomeness!

First time trying "Fire Cupping" ... this is on my ass. Feels WONDERFUL! And not nearly as painful as this picture looks... kind of more like a giant gentle sucking hickey feeling... Very nice, very very nice.

Nice and red: red and nice.

Got a nice glow going on tonight....

Love the little heart at the bottom right there...

Such strong hands on a sexy man...

The Evil Stick really earns it's name...

Have a Slutty Halloween!

Underneath it all...

I am getting ready for Halloween here... it's one of my favorite holidays. I thought I would share some pictures of the costume I am wearing this year.

Another of the underpinnings...

Adding the petticoat and fishnets...

I've decided to be a pirate wench... this is the first year in awhile that I've actually purchased a costume online and am not making a homemade one. Homemade is awesome, but just doesn't compare to purchased, at least not when I made them, Lol. So "Vixen Pirate Wench" from www.HolloweenExpress.com it is...

The costume... without the lower half...

Sexy Pirate hat...

Now I am just waiting on my boots to arrive. I am a fan of SinisterSoles.com for shoes and I ordered the Bordello Whimsey in black velvet...

I will post some more pictures of it all together once it's all arrived and I've tried it on. Maybe I even will post some pictures of my man in his sexy medieval badass costume.

Until then...

Enjoy me in yellow...

 

 

 

 

 

and pink...

and nothing at'all...

;-)

"Healthy Strokes"??? Only if you're repressed in all areas of sexuality...

Let me preface this blog by saying ... OMG! I am in shock... www.healthystrokes.com...

I was stumbling around the internet the other day and came across this website where some man has proclaimed himself to be a sexpert and he answers young men and woman (think teenagers) questions about sex and relationships... and mainly focusing on masturbation. There is little-to-no information about who he is and what qualifies him to give advice to this impressionable group of people who are seeking information - other then an email handle of "Doug" and one sentence at the bottom of the front page of the site which says he has a PhD "in a field unrelated to sexuality."

His main page to the website is about a theory of TMS which says boys should never masturbate while laying on their stomachs and "rubbing their penises against the mattress, pillow... or some practitioners lie on their stomachs and thrust into their hands." Apparently in his theory this position for masturbating makes the boy grow up to have erectile dysfunction.

This man did not masturbate incorrectly according to Doug! :-P

This theory is refuted on goaskalice.com where she states that the TMS:

"theory isn't widely recognized in the medical community, and there hasn't been follow-up research to see if his claims are valid. Researchers have cited that these problems with getting and maintaining an erection may be more related to stressors in a person's emotional, psychological and/or physical well-being." 

Its also states on the University of California, Sociology Department website that TMS"

"should be treated as a hypothesis rather than a fact, because of the lack of research and the absence of support from other researchers. No medical dictionary includes Sank's theory about TMS for medical applications. Also, no other research on it has been done since the theory first came out. Additionally, the statistics given in his original research came from a selected audience- and only individuals who were curious about this "syndrome" or feared they suffered from it. All the rest of the scientific literature indicates that there should be no harmful side effects from masturbating in any position. Masturbation is not an addiction, but a habit, and masturbating prone should not affect intercourse. If you have a problem sexually pleasing a female, try several different positions or environments. Do not worry about the TMS article. There are numerous of articles presenting data that are opposite of Sank's argument."

Now that we've established that "Doug" is a quack, I want to bring up the main issue I  - it's with his so-called advice. Majority of the people who write to him for advice/answers are anywhere from 11-16 in age and most of the older-than-16 people that email him are still virgins with little dating experience.

Mini Orca Dildo

Instead of receiving helpful thoughtful advice, or at the very least giving them accurate, consistent information, Doug tells young men that they are biologically required to masturbate as often as possible but only when laying on their backs. And, Doug tells young women basically that their only reason for masturbating is to get themselves accustomed to the feel of having sex with a male partner someday. Therefore anything that is not penis shaped and/or doesn't actually feel like the sensations a woman will get from heterosexual sexual intercourse shouldn't be tried in masturbation. I guess Doug would not be down for a woman using the Mini Orca:

Included in his gems of advice to young girls are such nuggets as:

• Don't use more then one finger on or in yourself, otherwise you may get addicted to the feel of hands, and sex is about having a penis inside you and being able to orgasm from that sensation.
• Don't use anything thicker then a taper candle, otherwise you'll end up stretched out and a penis wont satisfy you.
• Don't use any sort of running water on your clit, because this will desensitize you and after awhile you will lose the ability to orgasm.
• Don't use anything that vibrates, because they will have the same effect that running water will, and then you won't be able to enjoy real sex when you start having it.  And, if you don't enjoy it, then the man won't enjoy it with you and he won't stay with you.
• He claims that girls should never experiment with other girls because that won't get them ready for "real" sex.

To the girl who was "wondering the best way to access porn, because it turns me on. And, is it abnormal that I like to have the TV turned off and a porn pictures in front of me to achieve an orgasm?" Our cums-in-his-pants-at-the-site-of-a-nipple Doug replies, "That's very abnormal for a girl. You should be able to reach orgasm without pictures. You need to learn to be aroused by other things."

To the girl who asked  him "There's this guy who keeps asking me out but I just don't want to go out with him. What should I say?" Our lives-in-his-moms-basement-and-can't-get-a-date Doug replied, "Why don't you give him a chance? There might come a time when guys stop asking."

To the girl who wrote that she has "been masturbating since I was 13 but I can only orgasm when masturbating if I think of a very big penis. Is this normal?" Our small-dicked-and-even-smaller-balled Doug replied, "No. You should try thinking about anything except a big penis for and develop some new interests."

It is astounding to me that all of his answers, whether to young males or females, seemed to be aimed to make sure girls are not sexually aware of their bodies but that boys are sexually mature - this is indicated to the extreme by the fact that Doug states numerous times that it's a biological imperative for males to masturbate and have sex, but that women aren't supposed to like it and/or only supposed to masturbate in ways to prepare themselves to be used by males at some point in the future. Only actual penile penetration is acceptable to Doug on a woman, no toys after she starts having sex with a man ...

... And, I could go on and on with the things that sicken me on this site, but it all adds up to the fact that Doug has never been laid and is a chauvinistic, repressed, twisted male with a huge ego, small brain and even smaller dick...


I think that I have found our Doug...

Sex Blogs I Read & Love

Listed below are the other adult blogs that I read regularly. Of the literally thousands out there to read these few have managed to catch and keep my attention over time. Some contain articles on life and sex, others are advice columns, some are written by many authors, and some are just plain comic relief. Let me know what you think of them! Hope you enjoy them as much as I do! (They are in no particular order.)
__________________________________________________________________

Always Aroused Girl's Blog - Sex Toy Reviews, Sex and Politics, and Comic Relief "Between writing a personal blog, looking at porn, building websites and reading lots of books, this Always Aroused Girl enjoys petting her cats. No that is not a euphemism. Well, maybe it is."

Trinity-Pup - A Collared Submissive Girl's Diary of Kinky Nights "I am a collared submissive and owned by a wonderful Master. He told me He would show me who was in charge, who owned me and would make sure I felt deeply submissive by the time He had finished with me."

Hot Alpha Female - Sassy Girl Gives Dating and Sex Advice "Brutally Honest Dating Advice … I'm just a girl, who has had some dating experience, read a whole lot of books and has extraordinary passion about the dating game, who will give advice to anyone and everyone who is willing to listen."

Honey and Lance - Two Friends Give Sex Advice and Share Stories "Perspectives on dating, relationships, pickup, sex, and life. We blog about dating, relationships, seduction, sex, and everything in between. Lance is a single social artist based in Orlando, Florida. Honey is in a long term relationship with Jake and they live together in Phoenix, Arizona."

Carnivalesq - Porn / Sex Toy Reviews and Sex Stories "Join me for some creative writing, frank explorations of sex and sexuality, some sex toy reviews and often, far too much information."

Carnal Nation - Sex in the News and Stories to Make You Blush "CarnalNation provides comprehensive coverage for grown-ups. We publish original, incisive and uncensored content. We make this commitment at all levels: the personal, the political, and the perverted. We know you take your fun as seriously as we do, so we invite you to realize and explore your interests, desires, and curiosities."

Hey Epiphora - Sex Toy Reviews "Sex toy reviews and musings, no sugarcoating. I'm fascinated by gender, in lust with writing, driven by coffee. I type quickly, eat slowly, and watch porn for hours. I greatly prefer cats to children, and always want to be drinking something while I write. I’m pansexual and a feminist — two of the only labels that really suit me. I am also painfully monogamous and very vanilla."

Pink Sex Geek - Girl Share Sex and Life Stories and Sex Toy Reviews "I’m Crista, and I am a Pleasure Based/Sex-Positive Sex Educator and Toy Goddess. That can be a bit of a mouthful, so I stick with Sex Geek. Pleasure Based meaning I teach sex education to adults with an emphasis on how to have a more enjoyable and orgasmic sex life either with partners or with yourself."

The Cherry Scoop - Sex Toy Reviews "My name is Sundae and I'm the mysterious figure behind this blog! I've been reviewing sex toys since around August of 2009, so I've had a lot of time to get familiar with products, become connected to the community and be exposed to plenty of fascinating sex info."

Between My Sheets - Submissive Slut's Writings on Sex "I’ve ghost-written over ten sex guide ebooks, including ones on squirting and giving your partner a prostate massage. I suspect they’re good sellers because the client keeps ordering more! I have cinnamon-flavored throat-numbing cream for guys who are too big to otherwise deep throat. I enjoy watching porn while I masturbate."

The Beautiful Kind - Multi Author Blog W/ Sex Columns on Advice, Stories and Kink "The Beautiful Kind is a sex positive community where people can get advice, share their experiences, and learn a thing or two from TBK, a bonafide sexgoddess. This site strives to bring shy folks out of their shell, and offer a safe haven for perverts. All genders, sexual orientations, lifestyles, and fetishes are welcome here. Open, honest, and authentic, The Beautiful Kind is sure to entertain, educate, titillate, and inspire. Smut for smart people."

Sex Is - Edens Fantasies - Multi Author Blog W/ Sex Toy Reviews, Advice and Stories "Find sex tips for everyday life, read opinions on the heated sex debates in our society, make smart and informed sex shopping decisions, open your horizons with new sex techniques and join sex positive EdenFantasys community."

Curvaceous Dee - Chubby Woman Discusses Life, Sex and Kink "Curvaceous, vivacious, tenacious, bodacious. That's Curvaceous Dee! I'm also fat, poly, pansexual, civilly unioned, kinky, kiwi, and happy."

Sexuality Happens - Chubby Bi Sex Blogger and Toy Reviewer "I’m Essin’ Em, your friendly neighborhood feminist, queer, Femme, horny, politically active, questioning, pondering sexologist and sex educator. This blog is a discussion about the full spectrum of sexuality, sex toy/porn/book reviews, pieces of my personal life including snippets of sex stories, poignant news relating to sexuality, sex tips, and amusing tidbits and awkward moments."

Hello Saraid - Sex Toy Reviews and Life/Sex Stories "I’m a normal college student that has a passion for talking about sexuality. On this blog you’ll find my thoughts on how sexuality is presented in the media, how I feel about my own sexual identity, and much more. But, I mainly write sex toy reviews, which in addition to being fun for me to write, are helpful to a wide variety of audiences. I try my best to make my reviews approachable for all age groups and for all walks of life."

Mistress Matisse's Journal - Pro-Domme's Stories of Life in the Business "Seattle writer/professional dominatrix's personal musings, rants and life-trivia... I am a very beautiful, experienced dominatrix with a private, fully-equipped dungeon in Seattle, Washington. I do sessions with beginners as well as experienced submissives."

Desk Full of Dildos - Girl Reviews SexToys and Share Weird Sex Things Found Online "Desk Full of Dildos: your source for sex toy news, reviews, company profiles, snark, and weird adult novelties. I have always been a rabid fan of all things adult, obsessing over toy line debuts the way tech geeks salivate over smartphones and imacs."

DIY Sex Blog - Fun Homemade Sex Toys and Sex In the News "Too embarrassed (or too cheap) to buy sex toys? This site shows you how, step-by-step, to build them yourself. Got ingenious inventions? Don't be shy, share them with us. And if you decide you want to buy instead of make, we give recommendations of online toy stores which have impressive selections."

Kinky Stick Figure - Poking Fun at Sex "I am on a collision course with wackiness. I am likely old enough to be your mother, but I'm still the coolest girl you'll ever meet."

She Loves Sex- Sexy Diversions By Women For Women "Do you love Sex? Do you love to learn about it, read about it, and hear the opinions of other women who love it as much as you do? SheLovesSex gives you custom content we write ourselves and the best sex & dating articles that we find on the net. No searching all over to find the juiciest tidbits. No gossip, no fashion tips... just a bevy of information about sex, in all its facets."

Sexie Sadie - Stories of Seduction "This is where I chronicle my experiences in an open relationship with my wonderful Hubby. I write freely here, and about a concept that you may not agree with straight away. But, I urge you to dig around my posts and see what I have to say, because you just might change your mind about someone like me."

Sexy Blogtime! - Sex Toy Reviews, Pics of Porn and Sexy Musings "Sexy Blogtime! is Lucy Vonne's input on everything in the adult world. From toy and porn reviews to bringing you the hottest porn studs around in the business. If it sparks her interest and deals with sex then she wants you to know about it. Sex is wonderful! She was named one of the best sex toy reviewers of 2008 by the pleasurists.com."

Tiny Nibbles - Sex Commentary, Accurate Sex Info and Erotica "Violet Blue is regarded as the foremost expert in the field of sex and technology, a sex-positive pundit in mainstream media and is regularly interviewed, quoted and featured prominently by major media outlets. She is a published feature writer and columnist since 1998, Violet also has many award-winning, best selling books."

Denying Thumper - Male Sub's Diary about Chastity "A blog about a masochistic, submissively-inclined, orgasm-denied male bunny locked in chastity."

Bad Bad Girl - Submissive Girl's Sex Diary On Being Owned "I'm a cool chick who likes to use the word “cunt." I believe in being sex-positive and hate-negative. I think chicks with real tits are sexy. I like to talk dirty and curse incessantly. I love dildo’s and vibrators but will never choose one over the real thing."

Britni's Shameless - Bitchy Bi Girl Sharing Thoughts on Sex and Life "I'm nothing but a brash and impetuous girl striving to be true to myself while searching for somewhere to belong, someone to love, and a better version of me.

"Dear Kate" - Spanking the Monkey

Dear Kate,

I know that masturbating is a sin. But, I just can’t seem to help myself. What can I do to stop these evil urges?

Sincerely,

Sinning for Pleasure

Dear Sinning for Pleasure,

The only way I know of to stop those urges is to die – good luck with that.

Sincerely,

Kate

Dear Kate,

I am a happily married woman. I would never think of cheating on my husband. But, there was this really hot waiter at the restaurant yesterday and I went home and had a nice ummm “bubblebath” with him in my head. Now I feel horrible. Was that really cheating?

Sincerely,

Mental Cheater

Dear Mental Cheater,

You told me you are a happily married woman… you didn’t say anything about going blind. Imagination is god’s gift to the monogamous person.

Sincerely,

Kate

Dear Kate,

My girlfriend and I have an active sex life, I honestly can’t complain. However, I still like to have some “me times” occasionally. My g/f pitched a bitch fit the other day when she walked in on me. She told me that if I was honestly in love with her and satisfied with her that I wouldn’t ever want to do “that dirty thing.” Am I really supposed to choose between my girlfriend and my hand?

Sincerely,

Torn

Dear Torn,

Well, I doubt this is the first time the topic has come up so why did you let your oversensitive g/f catch you? You say you have an active sex life and yet your g/f considers masturbation dirty? She might have bigger issues then you’re letting on. Tell her that sex is like a restaurant. Just because you order a salad from time to time doesn’t mean you honestly prefer it over the Filet Mignon.

Sincerely,

Kate

_______________________________________________________________

I have to say. People are very very screwed up when it comes to self-love. I have honestly talked to many people (mostly religious ones) who think that getting yourself off is a sin paramount to sex before marriage. Basically these types of people expect everyone who isn’t married to have no sexuality whatsoever. It’s a fear thing. If you can please yourself, then you aren't as driven to finding a mate (the only moral sex partner). And, then it follows that if you aren’t working on finding a mate then you aren’t making rugrats that can be brainwashed into thinking that they have to find a mate before mating. Geez.

Religion is the greatest form of social control invented. I honestly cannot understand how my own pastors' (and even parents) justified preaching at me that masturbation is something that a person should feel guilty about. Even when I try to look at it from a conservatively religious viewpoint - didn’t their god create everything? So aren’t these “urges” that well up inside a person from their god?

I think that it’s a great thing when a person is able to "take care of" themselves. There would be a lot fewer STDs going around if casual “hook up” sex" was forgone and replaced with pleasuring yourself. Why don't they see that it would be a safer, saner practice to teach people ways to fulfill their “urges” outside of marriage rather then expecting them to not have any desire until their wedding day? Its completely unrealistic and its creating more problems then it's ever helped end. It is just not right to try and force human beings to become choir boys and sunday school girls all because of fear of losing control over them. Certain religions focus on keeping people feeling guilty enough to keep coming back to the church for absolution. How messed up is that?

I would be in SO much trouble if the average person (even those who think they know me) knew half the things that went through my head in an average day: sexual fantasies notwithstanding. Everyone’s imagination is different - mine is very vivid and active. The average person can and does fantasize about any one that crosses their path. It is not cheating to think about someone other then your chosen mate during masturbation or sex.

Now if you let those fantasies take control of your mind and/or life then you have a problem. If you let it get to the point that you “have” to have that someone you’ve been imagining about you need to learn to let it go. You have to be able to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Just because the garden boy is a awesome lover in your bubblebath fantasy that doesn’t mean that he is worth pursuing. Just because that waitress looks like the star of your favorite porn vid doesn’t mean that you should pursue her in expectation of her sex being like your fantasy.

I meet so many women (in general it is just women with this sexual problem) who seem to feel that if they so much as think about another man they might as well have fucked him. They hate that their man watches porn because they are jealous of the porn star getting any of their man’s attention. Females need to understand that what goes on in someone’s mind is just that, going on in their mind… it has nothing to do with their actions. Their actions prove what their mind has decided. If your lover is true to you and you are faithful to your partner then you have nothing to worry about if you occasionally have an incredible orgasm because of the man who washed your car for you that day.

I will put the caveat in here that unless you are very secure in your relationship and you and your partner are very open with each other, you should probably keep all mental images to yourself. No one wants to feel replaced or second best in your life. Unless you have the type of relationship that allows for that level of honesty you should keep your words to your partner in line with your actions not your fantasies – there is no need to tell your partner that you broke the dildo because the waiter got you all hot and bothered at lunch.

Guys and jacking off; I’ve harped on this before but seriously get over it already. Because men are such physical creatures be glad that they are happy to get themselves off sometimes instead of expecting you to do it five times a day. Almost every married woman I know absolutely hates the fact that her man might do himself once in awhile instead of doing her (even in marriages that she’s only receptive to him doing her Friday nights at 11pm). Even when I am in a relationship with a loving man and have no complaints about our sex life, both of us still enjoy pleasing ourselves sometimes.

There is no reason to think that masturbation is going to replace sex in your relationship. Unless your man has serious issues he will always still prefer you to his hand. But, I don’t know a woman alive who wants to have sex as often as a man wants to masturbate. I’ve talked to many guys about the topic and the average number of times that a man masturbates is 15-20 times a week (even when in a relationship). That’s 2-3 times a day! I would be rubbed raw if I had sex 2-3 times a day for any number of days in a row! Thank God he has his hand!!!

Getting off for the sake of getting off is not an interest to me. Maybe that’s the basis for the difference in men and women. Orgasms aren’t really that important to women. Men won’t believe that, but they aren’t. We’d much rather have a good man who keeps us satisfied outside of the bedroom and with whom we merely enjoy sex with then a careless insensitive man but who gives us awesome orgasms. Most women would seriously rather paint thier toenails and read a book then have routine, rote sex for twenty minutes before rolling to face the wall and going to sleep. BOOOOORRRRING. Sex should be, at least, fun. Since it’s the man who wants to have sex more often (in most cases), it's up to him to keep it fun.

That’s the main difference – Men want sex for an orgasm, so they easily get that orgasm from their hand. Women want an experience, so they don’t always grasp the purely physical side of sex that a man craves. Its natural to please yourself even when you're honestly and sincerely satisfied with your relationship’s sex life.

"Dear Kate" - The fear of the plastic dick

Dear Kate,

My b/f won’t let me bring any toys into the bedroom. How do I get him to open up to the idea?

Sincerely,

More Adventurous then Him

Dear More Adventurous then Him,

Get used to living without your toys or find a new b/f. Men who are so insecure in the bedroom that they “won’t allow” toys have many more issues then being afraid of plastic dicks.

Sincerely,

Kate

_________________________________________________________

I realize there are many reasons that people aren’t comfortable with sex toys. But, majority of the time it is because, in one way or another, they are prudes. That may seem harsh, but from the countless people I’ve talked to about this issue (I mean, what other topics are there to talk about with someone then their sex toy collection, lol), this is the only over-arching explanation I can find.

I know, of course, that some people have issues and can only enjoy sex with their toys and that is a problem. Anything to the extreme is not natural and should be worked on. And, in some cases, if BOTH partners are just plain not into toys, then more power to them as a couple. But, in general, being open to, and enjoying the occasional sex toy is simply a sign of a healthy sex life.

Men complain about women not being into sex. Women complain about their sex life being too boring to be into. Sex toys can fix both of these complaints! Now, I am SURE that everyone knows this, but women are just plain harder to please in the bedroom. To men sex is like pizza – even bad pizza is good pizza. To women I think sex is more like Japanese puffer fish – if it wasn’t prepared perfectly she will quickly lose all interest in eating it again (well, most likely die from the fish, but that doesn’t fit my analogy).

A man has to constantly work to make sure his woman enjoys sex – whereas a woman simply being physically present is generally enough for the average man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead men and contradict me, tell me how much connections mean to you, and how a woman who isn't into sex isn’t likely to capture your attention. But, unfortunately most men, once they feel connected to their partner stop trying to make sex about that connection. They forget about the upkeep that connection requires in the bedroom and instead, as long as she is putting out regularly, are fine with their sex lives. So, for this reason, most of the times when only one partner wants to introduce toys, it is more often the woman who is craving someTHING new in the bedroom (as opposed to men who tend to seek out someONE new when they are bored in bed).

I’ve personally dated (using that word loosely) men with varying viewpoints. I’ve dated a man who actually, seriously expected me to throw out my toys since I “had him now after all.”  And, I’ve dated a man who told me that his “broom is in the closet. Could you please rape me with it?” Somewhere between these two outliers on the bell curve is the normal healthy relationship between couples and sex toys.

I really don’t know any truly modern single woman under the age of 35 who doesn’t have her own toys (even if it is just one vibrator) and often a porn collection as well. But, so many couples seem actually scared of the change that toys could make in their sex life. Instead of welcoming something new (and un-dangerous and un-relationship threatening) to the bedroom one partner or the other ends up making their significant other wrong for wanting a change. People change, it is inevitable, your sex life as a couple will have to change throughout your years together or it will die.

Men (who aren’t into toys) seem to think it makes them less then a man when their woman enjoys toys – it’s as if he thinks that wanting toys mean his woman isn't happy with his cock.

Women (who aren’t into toys) seem to think that it is “degrading” to treat a woman like a toy. And many even seem under the impression that the very act of penetration is “against” the woman – even more so with a toy then a cock.

Both of these are what I call “prude-like” attitudes – and are old-fashioned viewpoints as well. They are also completely selfish, self-centered attitudes.  This type of person is focusing on how THEY feel about a sex toy, rather then focusing on how happy this new toy could make their partner. These people need to get off the high horse of sexual vanilla-ness. Everyone will eventually need to change their sexual lives to match the changes in themselves as humans and themselves as part of a couple.

Onto some tips… here are my recommendations for couples:

Mild: Twin bullets for the woman- one for her ass and one to hold on her clit as you fuck her. Vibrating cock ring for the man – keeps him harder longer and intensifies his orgasm when it comes.

   

Adventurous:  Butt plug for the woman – fills her up and makes it tighter for the man. Anal beads for the man – push them into him and as he is close to cumming pull them out slowly for very heightened orgasm.

Kinky: Bondage gear and massive dildo for the woman – Make her feel like the helpless woman who belongs to you. Stimulator and nipple clamps for the man – make every sensation intensified for the man as well as add a little pain/pleasure to the mix.

Sex partner wanted - Next day bruises are a must...

I've been in conversation with a few women recently about the differences in sexual terms between men and women. There are many of us women out there who do not want to be treated like china dolls. We don't always want to "make love" with our partners, and forcing us can fulfill our greatest fantasy. Yet, as open as we are about these desires and as picky as we are in hopes of finding someone who can fulfill them, it seems that "I like it rough" equates to a few light slaps on the ass when he's riding us doggy style in a man's mind. How is this?

When a woman says she enjoys it rough, she isnt talking about how hard you can actually bang her, or some light spanking, she means she wants to be totally ravaged. She wants you to pin her down and not let her up. Hold her wrists in place as you kiss her. Bite her neck- hard, til she squirms. Smack her ass til its red and she's begging. Make her feel it the next day and and the day after. When a woman says she wants it rough, she wants to be sore until the next time she sees you- rope burns on her wrists and bruises on her ass.

Now that may seem extreme. And, I guess there are sometimes psychological reasons behind a woman's need to be "mistreated" like that. People may theorize that we were raped and got used to that treatment (and sometimes thats true). They may say that we never learned to connect healthily with another human so the "bad" attention is misinterpreted as good attention. They may say that we are simply warped and in need of counseling and reconditioning as to proper sexual habits.

But, it's none of that for most of us, mostly it's for the rush. We are often the same women who have multiple piercings and tattoos. We are the ones who love the rush that comes along with pain. Our bodies go into that beloved flight/fight responses and all that excess adrenaline stays bottled up in us; heightening every nerve and every sensation we experience. The pain from your rough treatment makes us ache to be closer to you. Our bodies twist and writhe. We want to please you to win your gentler affections, yet we want to disobey to make the roughness continue.

We are often the ones that are such control freaks in real life that to push our boundaries and make us FEEL in the bedroom that control has to be stripped from us. Sometimes when a woman has to juggle all the balls in her life, in the bedroom the last thing she really wants to do is have to juggle some more. Its actually a very relaxing feeling to be strapped down and not have to worry about being in control and making the right moves- to be pleased and used for pleasure without having to make the decisions that could lead to mistakes. When you are in control in bed, you are thinking and planning and deciding what to do next, when you are thinking you are not feeling- we crave to feel and the best way to get that is to not have to think about what comes next- to follow orders and let yourself be used.

Seems to me that most men are wusses nowadays. They just dont "get" what rough means and have never tried to figure out what a woman really means when she says "rough". Its outside of alot of guys comfort zones, they arent confident in what you want and it makes them timid, the minute timid enters the bedroom the woman with these types of desires check out.

Men need to understand the balance between taking her there and going too far. A woman needs to clearly tell a man that level she wants. But most often we end up telling a guy a million times what we want, no need, from them in the rough play department and they fail miserably to perform and so we check out, its just not doing it, so we smile through the sex and move on to try the next man.

Most woman friends I have I have asked her favorite fantasy - and I always ask to hear the one that she doesn't share with her other friends, the one she might be embarrassed to admit. Eight out of ten times she says that she wants a guy to have sex with her against her will. She wants to feel like she is being raped, she wants to fight and not be able to get free. Guys, if a woman actually tells you she "likes it rough," if she says those words she is not implying just just wants it hard. She is not saying to pound her faster. She is saying the following:

• She wants you to pin her shoulders down and tell her to get up and then not let her move. Tell her to try harder or you are going to stop fucking her, no matter how hard she tries you keep her pinned and make it look easy.

• When you are fucking her from behind, put your hand at the root of her hair and pull her head back. Pull it back as far as her neck will let you pull it, pull it back so far that it makes it hard for her to breathe. Tell her she can only breathe when you tell her its ok to breathe.

• Push her against a wall, but do it harder than you can ever imagine pushing a girl in real life. Push her against it to where it WILL hurt her. Pick her up, put her legs around you and with every thrust of your cock into her push her back against the wall, each time harder.

• When you are fucking her hard, hold back 10 percent without her knowing. Tell her to beg you to stop and when she does, then apply that extra ten percent, make her understand that her saying stop doesn't register with you, she doesn't actually have an option at this point.

• Tie her up, but dont tie her up with a silk tie, tie her up with nylon rope, the kind you see in the movies. When you tie her hands behind her back ask her if she can get free, while she is trying, tighten it twice as tight so she can feel that she really cant get free. If her wrists are red and sore, its not tight enough.

• Then call or text her the next day and tell her to look in the mirror at her bruises and ask her how much it turns her on to see the marks you put on her and tell her that you look forward to next time. 

If she asks for rough, this is what she wants. If you give it to her, like obviously most guys don't, you will now be her new cocaine.

So all that said, what does a girl have to do to get it rough? How clearer can we make it to a man when we want to feel them on us even after they've left? How can we make them understand that we aren't breakable? How can they understand that a spank or two only wets our appetite? And, are we unreasonable in expecting them to understand something that is so out of the norm (tho its really not given the number of women who crave it)? And, is it so taboo a desire that we shouldnt want it from the men we are with? 

Loosen up: Porn is a woman's friend.

My friends know they can come to me with any of their questions and I will do my best to answer honestly and succinctly. I can't count the number of times I've offended someone, only to have them come back to me a couple weeks later and sheepish inform me that I was right about their issues. The below blog came about from a friend of mine who started a conversation about porn and how she hated it when her husband looked at "that stuff." Even after over an hour of trying to convince her that she was over-reacting, I didn't think the point got through. We dropped the topic and it wasn't brought up again. But, then about two months later her husband cornered me in the grocery store and thanked me for talking to her... so something must have worked...

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Dear Kate,

My man spends too much time looking at porn and jerking off how can I make him stop?

Sincerely,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Put out more.

Sincerely,

Kate

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*giggling uncontrollably* ...

I honestly don’t get the big deal about porn. I mean outside of a conservative church I’ve yet to meet a man who doesn’t look at it regularly. And, I’ve really only rarely met a woman who doesn’t look at it at least occasionally. I understand that some people have an addiction to it and that can be unhealthy. But, for some reason women seem to take offense to their man looking at hot naked women fucking other men- wait… when I put it like that it sounds bad… I mean women get annoyed with their man being a man. It is not cheating to look a picture on a screen. It may be distasteful and disrespectful to do it in front of your woman if she has issue with it, but it’s not morally wrong.

Personally, I much prefer a man who is open about their porn habits then someone who is sneaking around with it. The men who are sneaky and hide it from you are the men who hide other women in their lives as well. Tho, if you are a prude and refuse to accept porn and other sexual needs of your man’s life then he has no choice to hide it from you (in that case him hiding things is your fault and doesn't necessarily mean he's a cheater). In my personal experience the only men who have hid porn from me (since I am open about the issue) are the ones who are generally sneaky and deceptive, and, we've never last long as a couple. I make the effort to openly allow completely honesty with little-to-no repercussions (ie I don't fly off the handle and start a fight every time he brings up an issue like porn). Hence a man who has no "reason" to hide things but still does, has deeper honesty issues; I don't deal with pathological liars for long.

Anyways, every man I’ve dated has looked at porn at the very least a few times a week - even when we're having sex every day. Sometimes they jack off, sometimes they don’t, but watching porn is just something they do. Looking at someone’s boobs is apparently just fun to do from a man’s perspective.  They are simple creatures, can’t blame them for wanting to look at what they don’t have... Female bodies' are beautiful to look at and sex is just plain hot to watch. How a person can look at pics like: (NSFW) sweet sex and think "Eww" is beyond me. Personally I prefer pics like: (NSFW) rough her up but that is just a matter of personal taste ;-)

Besides the honesty issue, porn is a great learning tool! I knew a lot more about sex then you could imagine before I had even kissed a guy. I can’t imagine having gone into that first time sexual encounter knowing only the mere basics of sex that I learned from my parents and friends throughout school (I grew up in a sheltered religious environment). “A man sticks his penis in your vagina” is not all a girl needs to know before actually experiencing it. Porn helped with that. Those years of sneaking onto the family computer after everyone else had gone to sleep and wide-eyedly staring through pages and pages of the google search results for the word "sex" was about as informative as all of my years of experience since highschool has been.

How else would I know about things like sounding, fisting, figging, coprophagia, water sports, hermaphrodites, canarijimmiphilia, balloon fetishes, and klismaphilia? I can tell you that my mind would not have come up with any of those on my own… and I can be pretty twisted. 

And, now I will wait while some of you search some of those fetishes in your search engine of choice……

Ok… satisfied your curiosity? If you really want to learn more about weird fetishes you can click this link to a map of them all organized and categorized. And, yeah, most of that you never will want to try with your partner... or maybe you will, who am I to guess... but in either case isn’t it interesting to know about? I mean how else would you learn how weird the rest of the world is without porn? Its a way to make yourself feel a little bit saner. Having an off-day? Feel like you don't fit in? Remind yourself that at least you are normal, at least you aren't a apotemnophiliac who can only get off by thinking about chopping off your own limbs.

Tangent over... also, how do you expect your man get off when you’re not in the mood? Everyone is into saying that sex is a biological need of men - so would you really rather he finds another partner then look at pictures? If you are the type of woman who doesn’t want to have to satisfy your man regularly even when you are supposedly in a monogamous relationship with him then be thankful that there ways for release for him without cheating. You don’t have as much to worry about if he is jacking off to the computer – worry when he stops looking at porn and you still aren’t putting out. 

So loosen up, women - Porn is your friend.

• If you want honesty in your relationship, a man sharing his love of porn is a good sign that he's honest with you  in other areas too.
• Watching porn together is a great way of connecting and spicing up your sex life.
• If you don’t know much about sex and want to learn then be thankful there is porn so you don’t actually have to meet up with nutcases to learn new sex tips.
• If you don't like sex, yet for some unknown reason want monogamy, you should be glad porn is out there to help a man be faithful to you.