Sexual Labeling

I've been forced to re-evaluate my sexuality lately due to some really FUN evenings I've had here lately that have involved non-cock having people. I've always been comfortable with my label of "straight girl" even tho  I've always done things like decorate my house with female nudes, watch a lot of bisexual porn, etc...

My man says that "all women have a little sugar in their gas tanks, the only difference is the amount." And, while I do believe there are some truly straight women out there, I think he is right in that majority of women are a little flexible when it comes to sexuality. One of the many reasons that I agree with him is because, if you ask a room full of random people which Hollywood actor/actress of the SAME sex they would want to fuck, you will have to wait on all men to hem and haw, and discuss whether they would have to be the fucker or the fuckee, try and decide which actor looks the most like a chick, and generally try everything they can to get out of answering the question. BUT all the women in the room will have an answer almost immediately. They have thought about this before and have a woman in their mind that they want to see naked and want to play with - even the "straight" women. Personally, as I've said before, I've always had a crush on Catherine Zeta Jones.

So, anyways, I've decided to change my label from "straight" to "heteroflexible" after the past few evenings of swinging fun with our new friends with benefits (and, yes, there is a lot more fun going on then "Swinging Horrors" may have let on, Lol).  Heteroflexible is a new term to me, but I came across it the other day on fetlife.com and loved it. It seemed to encompass everything that I consider myself without the parts of the label bisexual that don't fit me at all. But since labels are all really meaningless and vague unless everyone is on the same page regarding them, I'm going to take a minute here to define all the levels of bi-ness that I've come across in my talks and experiences with women (and while I'm using these labels regarding women, they are completely gender-interchangable - just put "man" where I've typed "woman" and you should be good to go).

Homophobic: This is the uber-straight of the straight women. This woman is almost afraid of any touch from another woman (even strictly platonic). These women rarely touch other women more then a handshake and even the thought of being in a same bed swinging situation is "revolting" to them. We met one couple where the wife could easily have been labeled with this; she rarely so much as hugged me goodbye, and we were one of the few couples they had met as she really preferred to only have threesomes with her husband and other guys. And if they had met couples it was usually a separate room type of swinging because of her and that just would never work for my man and I (we like to watch each other, touch each other, kiss each other and generally just be with each other during sex even when we've invited others to join our playtime; being in separate rooms defeats the whole purpose). We never actually swung with this couple, mainly because of her attitude towards everything and everyone involved.

Straight: This is the label that most women (outside of the swinging scene and some of them in the lifestyle) choose for themselves. It means that the woman has no interest in being sexual with another women. Nothing that would be considered foreplay with a man would be done with a woman. No cuddling, kissing, or anything - but the woman isn't necessarily afraid of being in sexual situations with another female body present. When I was swinging in a previous relationship, we met a couple where the woman was "straight." We rented a hotel room for the evening with two beds and we "couple swapped" each staying in our separate beds. Occasionally the men would tag team one or the other of us, and while we both enjoyed watching the other woman getting fucked by two men (often from only a few inches away from the action), there was no direct interaction between her and I.

Bi-Curious: This is the label that women pick when they have no experience with other women as of yet, but when they are open to getting some of that experience. They may go out and eat pussy the next chance they get or they may never touch a woman, but they are openminded towards the idea of being with another woman sexually. A bi-curious girl, once she gets enough actual playtime under her belt will usually change her label to either "heteroflexible" or "bisexual" - so this label is more of just a holding place for the open minded then an actual description of what a woman likes sexually (and I know this is probably MY personal definition more-so then what others would use this term to describe).

Heteroflexible: This is where I fall in the sexual spectrum. This is a woman who will do almost anything with another women as long as it's all in a fun playtime type situation. We are NOT attracted to women emotionally at all, and rarely would consider playing with a woman without having a man or men present in the room, but as long as it's a group activity, we are down for anything two women can do to each other. I have played with my girlfuckbuddy a couple times now and it feels so awesome to have my hands on her pussy, to feel her shudder and hear her moan and know that it's ME that is giving her that pleasure. I have always enjoyed kissing females, and hey, close your eyes and you've no idea what gender has gone down on you anyways, so as long as it feels good, it is good.

Bisexual - Women who are bisexual are just that - attracted to both sexes equally. These women could have boyfriends OR girlfriends and in a swinging situation will fuck either gender with equal gusto. Again in the previous swinging relationship I was in, we played with a couple who's female was bisexual. In the end, I couldn't play with them because she was not respectful of any limits/rules I had at the time. Eventually her and I got comfortable enough with each other that we shared her husband on occasion, but we never tried  interacting because whenever we did since she was SO bisexual she couldn't stop herself from crossing all lines and making me uncomfortable. Her bisexuality led to her going out almost weekly and finding some chick to bang. And, when I became single and she would head out for the evening she would call me up and ask that I come entertain her husband for her. We coined the term husband-sitting for my services. Since I was single and not interested in a relationship and she wanted to go find a woman to fuck and her husband didn't want to sit at home alone, but didn't want to worry about taking a random girl home and that chick falling for him and messing up his marriage the situation worked perfectly for all involved.

Lesbian: This woman is basically the same as a straight woman, except replace the man in her life with another woman. She has no interest in interacting with a man, and would only be in a swinging scene with other women, or sharing a woman with the man, but not interacting directly with the men in the room.

Polyamorous: This really isn't a sexuality; it's a lifestyle. But, since so many of the people we've met in the swinging scene are polyamorous as well as whatever other sexual label they claim, I think it deserves it's own section here. You can be any one of the above labels AND polyamorous (or any one of the above labels and emotionally monogamous). Polyamorous women claim to not be able to handle monogamy and that they are able to love more then one person at a time. They often have a boyfriend AND and girlfriend and they may live with one or more of the people they are in relationships with. Sometimes the poly-woman's boyfriend and girlfriend are dating each other as well, so all three pile in the bed every night.

Personally, I cannot fathom feeling the love I have for my man for anyone else. It's because I love him with all my heart that I am able to swing with him and give him other women to enjoy and have his pleasure in fucking them bring me nothing but pleasure. If my heart was divided, then I could not care about him as much as I do, and I could not feel like swinging with him - for if my heart was divided I would live in constant fear that his heart could become divided by one of these women I share his body with and then he and I would not have US anymore. US is too important to both of us to ever risk losing us by dividing our hearts.

But, since we are just a emotionally monogamous swinging couple - we don't have anything to worry about. My man is stoked that I've decided to change my sexual label from straight to heteroflexible... in his words watching my girlfuckbuddy and I go at it it is "scorching and sizzling and just plain awesomeness." I believe that both him and her husband could have sat their on their respective couches and just watched her and I play on the living room rug all evening. But, they eventually left their seats and joined us. It made for a perfect orgy of limbs and cocks and wetness and heat. After awhile you lose track of whose hands are where and the orgasms overshadow the gender of the person with their tongue on your ass.

"Dear Kate" - Spanking the Monkey

Dear Kate,

I know that masturbating is a sin. But, I just can’t seem to help myself. What can I do to stop these evil urges?

Sincerely,

Sinning for Pleasure

Dear Sinning for Pleasure,

The only way I know of to stop those urges is to die – good luck with that.

Sincerely,

Kate

Dear Kate,

I am a happily married woman. I would never think of cheating on my husband. But, there was this really hot waiter at the restaurant yesterday and I went home and had a nice ummm “bubblebath” with him in my head. Now I feel horrible. Was that really cheating?

Sincerely,

Mental Cheater

Dear Mental Cheater,

You told me you are a happily married woman… you didn’t say anything about going blind. Imagination is god’s gift to the monogamous person.

Sincerely,

Kate

Dear Kate,

My girlfriend and I have an active sex life, I honestly can’t complain. However, I still like to have some “me times” occasionally. My g/f pitched a bitch fit the other day when she walked in on me. She told me that if I was honestly in love with her and satisfied with her that I wouldn’t ever want to do “that dirty thing.” Am I really supposed to choose between my girlfriend and my hand?

Sincerely,

Torn

Dear Torn,

Well, I doubt this is the first time the topic has come up so why did you let your oversensitive g/f catch you? You say you have an active sex life and yet your g/f considers masturbation dirty? She might have bigger issues then you’re letting on. Tell her that sex is like a restaurant. Just because you order a salad from time to time doesn’t mean you honestly prefer it over the Filet Mignon.

Sincerely,

Kate

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I have to say. People are very very screwed up when it comes to self-love. I have honestly talked to many people (mostly religious ones) who think that getting yourself off is a sin paramount to sex before marriage. Basically these types of people expect everyone who isn’t married to have no sexuality whatsoever. It’s a fear thing. If you can please yourself, then you aren't as driven to finding a mate (the only moral sex partner). And, then it follows that if you aren’t working on finding a mate then you aren’t making rugrats that can be brainwashed into thinking that they have to find a mate before mating. Geez.

Religion is the greatest form of social control invented. I honestly cannot understand how my own pastors' (and even parents) justified preaching at me that masturbation is something that a person should feel guilty about. Even when I try to look at it from a conservatively religious viewpoint - didn’t their god create everything? So aren’t these “urges” that well up inside a person from their god?

I think that it’s a great thing when a person is able to "take care of" themselves. There would be a lot fewer STDs going around if casual “hook up” sex" was forgone and replaced with pleasuring yourself. Why don't they see that it would be a safer, saner practice to teach people ways to fulfill their “urges” outside of marriage rather then expecting them to not have any desire until their wedding day? Its completely unrealistic and its creating more problems then it's ever helped end. It is just not right to try and force human beings to become choir boys and sunday school girls all because of fear of losing control over them. Certain religions focus on keeping people feeling guilty enough to keep coming back to the church for absolution. How messed up is that?

I would be in SO much trouble if the average person (even those who think they know me) knew half the things that went through my head in an average day: sexual fantasies notwithstanding. Everyone’s imagination is different - mine is very vivid and active. The average person can and does fantasize about any one that crosses their path. It is not cheating to think about someone other then your chosen mate during masturbation or sex.

Now if you let those fantasies take control of your mind and/or life then you have a problem. If you let it get to the point that you “have” to have that someone you’ve been imagining about you need to learn to let it go. You have to be able to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Just because the garden boy is a awesome lover in your bubblebath fantasy that doesn’t mean that he is worth pursuing. Just because that waitress looks like the star of your favorite porn vid doesn’t mean that you should pursue her in expectation of her sex being like your fantasy.

I meet so many women (in general it is just women with this sexual problem) who seem to feel that if they so much as think about another man they might as well have fucked him. They hate that their man watches porn because they are jealous of the porn star getting any of their man’s attention. Females need to understand that what goes on in someone’s mind is just that, going on in their mind… it has nothing to do with their actions. Their actions prove what their mind has decided. If your lover is true to you and you are faithful to your partner then you have nothing to worry about if you occasionally have an incredible orgasm because of the man who washed your car for you that day.

I will put the caveat in here that unless you are very secure in your relationship and you and your partner are very open with each other, you should probably keep all mental images to yourself. No one wants to feel replaced or second best in your life. Unless you have the type of relationship that allows for that level of honesty you should keep your words to your partner in line with your actions not your fantasies – there is no need to tell your partner that you broke the dildo because the waiter got you all hot and bothered at lunch.

Guys and jacking off; I’ve harped on this before but seriously get over it already. Because men are such physical creatures be glad that they are happy to get themselves off sometimes instead of expecting you to do it five times a day. Almost every married woman I know absolutely hates the fact that her man might do himself once in awhile instead of doing her (even in marriages that she’s only receptive to him doing her Friday nights at 11pm). Even when I am in a relationship with a loving man and have no complaints about our sex life, both of us still enjoy pleasing ourselves sometimes.

There is no reason to think that masturbation is going to replace sex in your relationship. Unless your man has serious issues he will always still prefer you to his hand. But, I don’t know a woman alive who wants to have sex as often as a man wants to masturbate. I’ve talked to many guys about the topic and the average number of times that a man masturbates is 15-20 times a week (even when in a relationship). That’s 2-3 times a day! I would be rubbed raw if I had sex 2-3 times a day for any number of days in a row! Thank God he has his hand!!!

Getting off for the sake of getting off is not an interest to me. Maybe that’s the basis for the difference in men and women. Orgasms aren’t really that important to women. Men won’t believe that, but they aren’t. We’d much rather have a good man who keeps us satisfied outside of the bedroom and with whom we merely enjoy sex with then a careless insensitive man but who gives us awesome orgasms. Most women would seriously rather paint thier toenails and read a book then have routine, rote sex for twenty minutes before rolling to face the wall and going to sleep. BOOOOORRRRING. Sex should be, at least, fun. Since it’s the man who wants to have sex more often (in most cases), it's up to him to keep it fun.

That’s the main difference – Men want sex for an orgasm, so they easily get that orgasm from their hand. Women want an experience, so they don’t always grasp the purely physical side of sex that a man craves. Its natural to please yourself even when you're honestly and sincerely satisfied with your relationship’s sex life.

"Dear Kate" - The fear of the plastic dick

Dear Kate,

My b/f won’t let me bring any toys into the bedroom. How do I get him to open up to the idea?

Sincerely,

More Adventurous then Him

Dear More Adventurous then Him,

Get used to living without your toys or find a new b/f. Men who are so insecure in the bedroom that they “won’t allow” toys have many more issues then being afraid of plastic dicks.

Sincerely,

Kate

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I realize there are many reasons that people aren’t comfortable with sex toys. But, majority of the time it is because, in one way or another, they are prudes. That may seem harsh, but from the countless people I’ve talked to about this issue (I mean, what other topics are there to talk about with someone then their sex toy collection, lol), this is the only over-arching explanation I can find.

I know, of course, that some people have issues and can only enjoy sex with their toys and that is a problem. Anything to the extreme is not natural and should be worked on. And, in some cases, if BOTH partners are just plain not into toys, then more power to them as a couple. But, in general, being open to, and enjoying the occasional sex toy is simply a sign of a healthy sex life.

Men complain about women not being into sex. Women complain about their sex life being too boring to be into. Sex toys can fix both of these complaints! Now, I am SURE that everyone knows this, but women are just plain harder to please in the bedroom. To men sex is like pizza – even bad pizza is good pizza. To women I think sex is more like Japanese puffer fish – if it wasn’t prepared perfectly she will quickly lose all interest in eating it again (well, most likely die from the fish, but that doesn’t fit my analogy).

A man has to constantly work to make sure his woman enjoys sex – whereas a woman simply being physically present is generally enough for the average man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead men and contradict me, tell me how much connections mean to you, and how a woman who isn't into sex isn’t likely to capture your attention. But, unfortunately most men, once they feel connected to their partner stop trying to make sex about that connection. They forget about the upkeep that connection requires in the bedroom and instead, as long as she is putting out regularly, are fine with their sex lives. So, for this reason, most of the times when only one partner wants to introduce toys, it is more often the woman who is craving someTHING new in the bedroom (as opposed to men who tend to seek out someONE new when they are bored in bed).

I’ve personally dated (using that word loosely) men with varying viewpoints. I’ve dated a man who actually, seriously expected me to throw out my toys since I “had him now after all.”  And, I’ve dated a man who told me that his “broom is in the closet. Could you please rape me with it?” Somewhere between these two outliers on the bell curve is the normal healthy relationship between couples and sex toys.

I really don’t know any truly modern single woman under the age of 35 who doesn’t have her own toys (even if it is just one vibrator) and often a porn collection as well. But, so many couples seem actually scared of the change that toys could make in their sex life. Instead of welcoming something new (and un-dangerous and un-relationship threatening) to the bedroom one partner or the other ends up making their significant other wrong for wanting a change. People change, it is inevitable, your sex life as a couple will have to change throughout your years together or it will die.

Men (who aren’t into toys) seem to think it makes them less then a man when their woman enjoys toys – it’s as if he thinks that wanting toys mean his woman isn't happy with his cock.

Women (who aren’t into toys) seem to think that it is “degrading” to treat a woman like a toy. And many even seem under the impression that the very act of penetration is “against” the woman – even more so with a toy then a cock.

Both of these are what I call “prude-like” attitudes – and are old-fashioned viewpoints as well. They are also completely selfish, self-centered attitudes.  This type of person is focusing on how THEY feel about a sex toy, rather then focusing on how happy this new toy could make their partner. These people need to get off the high horse of sexual vanilla-ness. Everyone will eventually need to change their sexual lives to match the changes in themselves as humans and themselves as part of a couple.

Onto some tips… here are my recommendations for couples:

Mild: Twin bullets for the woman- one for her ass and one to hold on her clit as you fuck her. Vibrating cock ring for the man – keeps him harder longer and intensifies his orgasm when it comes.

   

Adventurous:  Butt plug for the woman – fills her up and makes it tighter for the man. Anal beads for the man – push them into him and as he is close to cumming pull them out slowly for very heightened orgasm.

Kinky: Bondage gear and massive dildo for the woman – Make her feel like the helpless woman who belongs to you. Stimulator and nipple clamps for the man – make every sensation intensified for the man as well as add a little pain/pleasure to the mix.