Explaining Donkey Shows to the Incredibly Naive...

I was watching "House" reruns this afternoon and I was reminded of the first time I saw this particular episode. I was watching it with a friend of mine (who we'll call Liz for the purposes of this blog), who is very much the epitome of a conservative Christian. In general, House is TV that is safe for us to watch together since, "while there is some cussing and dis-respectfulness from the main characters, there is very little gore and next to no sex" - there is even fairly little of that dreaded nudity that religious people seem to be so afraid of.


I'm going to go off on a slight tangent here and state that I have no freaking idea why most religious people think that it is better for a person to see someone’s intestines spilled out on the ground and/or their heads detached from their bodies and fountains of blood created, then it is for a person to see an image such as this one to your left...

 

...and how this girl can somehow be more "damning" and "damaging" then some of the scenes from movies like "Saw" or "Hostel" is beyond my understanding.

Anyways...

In the beginning of this particular episode, Dr. House was working in the outpatient section of the hospital doing his clinic hours (he seriously hates dealing with the with the general public... well... human being in general he really prefers to avoid). And during this particular day in the clinic, one of his patients is a 20-something, fairly heavily made-up, pretty woman who, though many sarcastic innuendos, House discovers is a local prostitute *insert witty banter here* and House seems like he is in heaven being around this sexually confident, slutty woman (and I am using the term "slut" with the utmost respect... it is never meant to be an insult when I use that word).

The whore ends up revealing to House that she has a sore throat and a rash on her neck and upper chest. House deduces (through many TV appropriate double entendres), that she contracted this rash through her work. Apparently, when a human woman gets in too close with any member of the equine family (horses, mules, etc...), there are certain types of diseases that can be contracted inter-specially. The prostitute then leaves House with a flyer (which we never see) inviting him to come watch her performance. Fun stuff - I was definitely amused, my friend was looking more and more perplexed as the scene went on. 

Ok, quick recap --- a whore has gotten a disease from a donkey. Pretty self-explanatory, eh? I mean she is already sexually, ummm, enlightened, yeah, that it...  How do YOU think she caught a disease from a donkey? .......... That's what I thought - Sooooooooo obvious!

Since I have no desire to post pics of an ACTUAL "Donkey Show" in this blog...

Above is the most tasteful picture of naked women and a horse that I could find.

 

I mean with all the cowgirls and horse enthusiasts out there how rare is it that the general public hears about an interspecies disease from horseBACK riding. Diseases like this must be more common amongst horseCOCK riding enthusiasts. Well, at the end of the show, House goes to a Christmas Eve church service, and the camera pans to show the prostitute playing Mary in a live nativity scene. 

My naive friend, Liz, says, "OH! That's how the horse is involved, I was wondering about that."

 

I should have kept my mouth shut. I really REALLY should have. But, instead, without thinking, I laugh at her and unconsciously blurt out something to the effect of "Geez, no way, that woman had sex with that donkey or at least with SOME horse if not that one - I mean, seriously, how else would SHE have gotten the rash and yet no one else in that nativity or even the donkey's owner showed any of the same symptoms?" Open mouth, stick foot in...

So we end up having a long, detailed conversation with me explaining to going-into-shock-Liz about donkey shows in Mexico, women doing various species of animals, and the many other (in her mind) "sick" fetishes that her limited in scope imagination had never thought ANYONE would be interested in, let alone actually participate in.  Liz just kept repeating over and over that she wanted to know if these "perverts knew how many other good, wholesome things there are in God's world that they could be doing to honor Him and be respectful to the body he gave them rather then trying to have sex with a horse." 

I definitely opened the can of worms that evening, and like the proverbial train wreck, she kept asking questions about all of these topics that she really really REALLY didn't want to know about. I explained about clubs that my fellow college students had found while on spring break. Liz was completely aghast that $20.00 would get you in to watch a live show of a live human woman fucking a horse. 

I told her my personal opinion of bestiality too - lest she think that I am personally into this particular type of sex. Its really not that exciting; it's just completely, well, weird - though I suppose it's just one of those issues that is to each his own. But, in the words of that guy from The 40 Year Old Virgin… "you kinda feel bad for the woman, and the horse!"  

Have you ever googled horse porn? These two particular species just aren't physically compatible  to bring each other sexual pleasure. So this porn has to be just for the images and imagination of the viewers and not actually for either participants’ pleasure. The horse’s dick is way too long to even fit 1/10 of it inside a woman. 

Besides that a horse's cock never really looks like it ever gets completely hard. Though I suppose that would be difficult and take way too much of the beasts blood supply considering that his penis is usually close over 24 inches in length - even if we measured it proportionally, the horse's cock is way larger when compared to his body then a mans cock is - it would be like the human male having dick larger then a Pringles can / tennis ball tube thingy. Hence, the proportionally larger supply of blood that would be needed to keep that baseball bat sized thing hard on a horse would make the horse pass out from lack of blood to his lungs and brain.

Anyways, horse porn always looks like you're trying to stuff an uncooked steak into a limp balloon (get that mental picture in your head because that's exactly how it looks and I am not about to post any pics of that particular fetish here, Lol).

And, given these vast anatomical differences, how could any woman view sex with a horse as anything besides a pain in the ass? 


Pun intended...  hehe...


 

So, I finally shut my mouth from its incessant rambling and Liz sits there with a look of absolute horror on her face. Needless to say, despite the fact that she chose the TV show, and she asked the questions, and she never once asked me to change the topic or stop my explanation of the subject ... that evening was one of the last times that I saw my friend Liz. Somehow it was my fault that her "innocence" was destroyed by my knowledge of horse sex. 

I can't be blamed for her curiosity or demonized for being intelligent and informed enough in regards to all aspects of sexuality to be able to answer her questions ... but it doesn't really surprise me, given the level of religious brainwashing she's undergone.

I've always thought that the real reason she avoided me after that discussion was because perhaps, since she was SO sheltered in all areas sexual, she found herself enjoying the description of horse sex a little TOO much for her own comfort and ended up blaming me for giving her kinky, horny dreams of huge cocks... dreams which were so not in line with her church's teachings - well, if she did get to have some sweaty, orgasmic dreams that night, she was so lucky!

"Healthy Strokes"??? Only if you're repressed in all areas of sexuality...

Let me preface this blog by saying ... OMG! I am in shock... www.healthystrokes.com...

I was stumbling around the internet the other day and came across this website where some man has proclaimed himself to be a sexpert and he answers young men and woman (think teenagers) questions about sex and relationships... and mainly focusing on masturbation. There is little-to-no information about who he is and what qualifies him to give advice to this impressionable group of people who are seeking information - other then an email handle of "Doug" and one sentence at the bottom of the front page of the site which says he has a PhD "in a field unrelated to sexuality."

His main page to the website is about a theory of TMS which says boys should never masturbate while laying on their stomachs and "rubbing their penises against the mattress, pillow... or some practitioners lie on their stomachs and thrust into their hands." Apparently in his theory this position for masturbating makes the boy grow up to have erectile dysfunction.

This man did not masturbate incorrectly according to Doug! :-P

This theory is refuted on goaskalice.com where she states that the TMS:

"theory isn't widely recognized in the medical community, and there hasn't been follow-up research to see if his claims are valid. Researchers have cited that these problems with getting and maintaining an erection may be more related to stressors in a person's emotional, psychological and/or physical well-being." 

Its also states on the University of California, Sociology Department website that TMS"

"should be treated as a hypothesis rather than a fact, because of the lack of research and the absence of support from other researchers. No medical dictionary includes Sank's theory about TMS for medical applications. Also, no other research on it has been done since the theory first came out. Additionally, the statistics given in his original research came from a selected audience- and only individuals who were curious about this "syndrome" or feared they suffered from it. All the rest of the scientific literature indicates that there should be no harmful side effects from masturbating in any position. Masturbation is not an addiction, but a habit, and masturbating prone should not affect intercourse. If you have a problem sexually pleasing a female, try several different positions or environments. Do not worry about the TMS article. There are numerous of articles presenting data that are opposite of Sank's argument."

Now that we've established that "Doug" is a quack, I want to bring up the main issue I  - it's with his so-called advice. Majority of the people who write to him for advice/answers are anywhere from 11-16 in age and most of the older-than-16 people that email him are still virgins with little dating experience.

Mini Orca Dildo

Instead of receiving helpful thoughtful advice, or at the very least giving them accurate, consistent information, Doug tells young men that they are biologically required to masturbate as often as possible but only when laying on their backs. And, Doug tells young women basically that their only reason for masturbating is to get themselves accustomed to the feel of having sex with a male partner someday. Therefore anything that is not penis shaped and/or doesn't actually feel like the sensations a woman will get from heterosexual sexual intercourse shouldn't be tried in masturbation. I guess Doug would not be down for a woman using the Mini Orca:

Included in his gems of advice to young girls are such nuggets as:

• Don't use more then one finger on or in yourself, otherwise you may get addicted to the feel of hands, and sex is about having a penis inside you and being able to orgasm from that sensation.
• Don't use anything thicker then a taper candle, otherwise you'll end up stretched out and a penis wont satisfy you.
• Don't use any sort of running water on your clit, because this will desensitize you and after awhile you will lose the ability to orgasm.
• Don't use anything that vibrates, because they will have the same effect that running water will, and then you won't be able to enjoy real sex when you start having it.  And, if you don't enjoy it, then the man won't enjoy it with you and he won't stay with you.
• He claims that girls should never experiment with other girls because that won't get them ready for "real" sex.

To the girl who was "wondering the best way to access porn, because it turns me on. And, is it abnormal that I like to have the TV turned off and a porn pictures in front of me to achieve an orgasm?" Our cums-in-his-pants-at-the-site-of-a-nipple Doug replies, "That's very abnormal for a girl. You should be able to reach orgasm without pictures. You need to learn to be aroused by other things."

To the girl who asked  him "There's this guy who keeps asking me out but I just don't want to go out with him. What should I say?" Our lives-in-his-moms-basement-and-can't-get-a-date Doug replied, "Why don't you give him a chance? There might come a time when guys stop asking."

To the girl who wrote that she has "been masturbating since I was 13 but I can only orgasm when masturbating if I think of a very big penis. Is this normal?" Our small-dicked-and-even-smaller-balled Doug replied, "No. You should try thinking about anything except a big penis for and develop some new interests."

It is astounding to me that all of his answers, whether to young males or females, seemed to be aimed to make sure girls are not sexually aware of their bodies but that boys are sexually mature - this is indicated to the extreme by the fact that Doug states numerous times that it's a biological imperative for males to masturbate and have sex, but that women aren't supposed to like it and/or only supposed to masturbate in ways to prepare themselves to be used by males at some point in the future. Only actual penile penetration is acceptable to Doug on a woman, no toys after she starts having sex with a man ...

... And, I could go on and on with the things that sicken me on this site, but it all adds up to the fact that Doug has never been laid and is a chauvinistic, repressed, twisted male with a huge ego, small brain and even smaller dick...


I think that I have found our Doug...

Sexual Map

Find out where I've journeyed on the Map of Human Sexuality!

Click the link above to sees my map of sexual experiences and fantasies. Check it out and let me know if you want me to write about anything that I've marked. I had fun filling this out. I have a lot more green (Tried and Liked) then I thought I would as I thought about each fetish and experience. Yet, I still have more purple (Want to try) then green. I didn't mark anything as un-liked; sex is like pizza after all! However, there are quite a few of those green dots that I wouldn't rush to try again - especially since there are so many purples dots yet to experience.

Also, you should fill one out yourself. It's a fun little exercise to see where you stand in the realm of kinkiness. Post the link to your saved map in a comment on this blog, so we can compare notes :-)

Or you can purchase the copy of the poster ... HERE ...

"Dear Kate" - The fear of the plastic dick

Dear Kate,

My b/f won’t let me bring any toys into the bedroom. How do I get him to open up to the idea?

Sincerely,

More Adventurous then Him

Dear More Adventurous then Him,

Get used to living without your toys or find a new b/f. Men who are so insecure in the bedroom that they “won’t allow” toys have many more issues then being afraid of plastic dicks.

Sincerely,

Kate

_________________________________________________________

I realize there are many reasons that people aren’t comfortable with sex toys. But, majority of the time it is because, in one way or another, they are prudes. That may seem harsh, but from the countless people I’ve talked to about this issue (I mean, what other topics are there to talk about with someone then their sex toy collection, lol), this is the only over-arching explanation I can find.

I know, of course, that some people have issues and can only enjoy sex with their toys and that is a problem. Anything to the extreme is not natural and should be worked on. And, in some cases, if BOTH partners are just plain not into toys, then more power to them as a couple. But, in general, being open to, and enjoying the occasional sex toy is simply a sign of a healthy sex life.

Men complain about women not being into sex. Women complain about their sex life being too boring to be into. Sex toys can fix both of these complaints! Now, I am SURE that everyone knows this, but women are just plain harder to please in the bedroom. To men sex is like pizza – even bad pizza is good pizza. To women I think sex is more like Japanese puffer fish – if it wasn’t prepared perfectly she will quickly lose all interest in eating it again (well, most likely die from the fish, but that doesn’t fit my analogy).

A man has to constantly work to make sure his woman enjoys sex – whereas a woman simply being physically present is generally enough for the average man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead men and contradict me, tell me how much connections mean to you, and how a woman who isn't into sex isn’t likely to capture your attention. But, unfortunately most men, once they feel connected to their partner stop trying to make sex about that connection. They forget about the upkeep that connection requires in the bedroom and instead, as long as she is putting out regularly, are fine with their sex lives. So, for this reason, most of the times when only one partner wants to introduce toys, it is more often the woman who is craving someTHING new in the bedroom (as opposed to men who tend to seek out someONE new when they are bored in bed).

I’ve personally dated (using that word loosely) men with varying viewpoints. I’ve dated a man who actually, seriously expected me to throw out my toys since I “had him now after all.”  And, I’ve dated a man who told me that his “broom is in the closet. Could you please rape me with it?” Somewhere between these two outliers on the bell curve is the normal healthy relationship between couples and sex toys.

I really don’t know any truly modern single woman under the age of 35 who doesn’t have her own toys (even if it is just one vibrator) and often a porn collection as well. But, so many couples seem actually scared of the change that toys could make in their sex life. Instead of welcoming something new (and un-dangerous and un-relationship threatening) to the bedroom one partner or the other ends up making their significant other wrong for wanting a change. People change, it is inevitable, your sex life as a couple will have to change throughout your years together or it will die.

Men (who aren’t into toys) seem to think it makes them less then a man when their woman enjoys toys – it’s as if he thinks that wanting toys mean his woman isn't happy with his cock.

Women (who aren’t into toys) seem to think that it is “degrading” to treat a woman like a toy. And many even seem under the impression that the very act of penetration is “against” the woman – even more so with a toy then a cock.

Both of these are what I call “prude-like” attitudes – and are old-fashioned viewpoints as well. They are also completely selfish, self-centered attitudes.  This type of person is focusing on how THEY feel about a sex toy, rather then focusing on how happy this new toy could make their partner. These people need to get off the high horse of sexual vanilla-ness. Everyone will eventually need to change their sexual lives to match the changes in themselves as humans and themselves as part of a couple.

Onto some tips… here are my recommendations for couples:

Mild: Twin bullets for the woman- one for her ass and one to hold on her clit as you fuck her. Vibrating cock ring for the man – keeps him harder longer and intensifies his orgasm when it comes.

   

Adventurous:  Butt plug for the woman – fills her up and makes it tighter for the man. Anal beads for the man – push them into him and as he is close to cumming pull them out slowly for very heightened orgasm.

Kinky: Bondage gear and massive dildo for the woman – Make her feel like the helpless woman who belongs to you. Stimulator and nipple clamps for the man – make every sensation intensified for the man as well as add a little pain/pleasure to the mix.

"Dear Kate" - She left me with my dick hanging out...

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