Tuesday, July 27, 2010

"Dear Kate" - The fear of the plastic dick

Dear Kate,
My b/f won’t let me bring any toys into the bedroom. How do I get him to open up to the idea?
More Adventurous then Him

Dear More Adventurous then Him,
Get used to living without your toys or find a new b/f. Men who are so insecure in the bedroom that they “won’t allow” toys have many more issues then being afraid of plastic dicks.


I realize there are many reasons that people aren’t comfortable with sex toys. But, majority of the time it is because, in one way or another, they are prudes. That may seem harsh, but from the countless people I’ve talked to about this issue (I mean, what other topics are there to talk about with someone then their sex toy collection, lol), this is the only over-arching explanation I can find.

I know, of course, that some people have issues and can only enjoy sex with their toys and that is a problem. Anything to the extreme is not natural and should be worked on. And, in some cases, if BOTH partners are just plain not into toys, then more power to them as a couple. But, in general, being open to, and enjoying the occasional sex toy is simply a sign of a healthy sex life.

Men complain about women not being into sex. Women complain about their sex life being too boring to be into. Sex toys can fix both of these complaints! Now, I am SURE that everyone knows this, but women are just plain harder to please in the bedroom. To men sex is like pizza – even bad pizza is good pizza. To women I think sex is more like Japanese puffer fish – if it wasn’t prepared perfectly she will quickly lose all interest in eating it again (well, most likely die from the fish, but that doesn’t fit my analogy).

A man has to constantly work to make sure his woman enjoys sex – whereas a woman simply being physically present is generally enough for the average man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead men and contradict me, tell me how much connections mean to you, and how a woman who isn't into sex isn’t likely to capture your attention. But, unfortunately most men, once they feel connected to their partner stop trying to make sex about that connection. They forget about the upkeep that connection requires in the bedroom and instead, as long as she is putting out regularly, are fine with their sex lives. So, for this reason, most of the times when only one partner wants to introduce toys, it is more often the woman who is craving someTHING new in the bedroom (as opposed to men who tend to seek out someONE new when they are bored in bed).

I’ve personally dated (using that word loosely) men with varying viewpoints. I’ve dated a man who actually, seriously expected me to throw out my toys since I “had him now after all.”  And, I’ve dated a man who told me that his “broom is in the closet. Could you please rape me with it?” Somewhere between these two outliers on the bell curve is the normal healthy relationship between couples and sex toys.

I really don’t know any truly modern single woman under the age of 35 who doesn’t have her own toys (even if it is just one vibrator) and often a porn collection as well. But, so many couples seem actually scared of the change that toys could make in their sex life. Instead of welcoming something new (and un-dangerous and un-relationship threatening) to the bedroom one partner or the other ends up making their significant other wrong for wanting a change. People change, it is inevitable, your sex life as a couple will have to change throughout your years together or it will die.

Men (who aren’t into toys) seem to think it makes them less then a man when their woman enjoys toys – it’s as if he thinks that wanting toys mean his woman isn't happy with his cock.

Women (who aren’t into toys) seem to think that it is “degrading” to treat a woman like a toy. And many even seem under the impression that the very act of penetration is “against” the woman – even more so with a toy then a cock.

Both of these are what I call “prude-like” attitudes – and are old-fashioned viewpoints as well. They are also completely selfish, self-centered attitudes.  This type of person is focusing on how THEY feel about a sex toy, rather then focusing on how happy this new toy could make their partner. These people need to get off the high horse of sexual vanilla-ness. Everyone will eventually need to change their sexual lives to match the changes in themselves as humans and themselves as part of a couple.

Onto some tips… here are my recommendations for couples:

Mild: Twin bullets for the woman- one for her ass and one to hold on her clit as you fuck her. Vibrating cock ring for the man – keeps him harder longer and intensifies his orgasm when it comes.

Adventurous:  Butt plug for the woman – fills her up and makes it tighter for the man. Anal beads for the man – push them into him and as he is close to cumming pull them out slowly for very heightened orgasm.

Kinky: Bondage gear and massive dildo for the woman – Make her feel like the helpless woman who belongs to you. Stimulator and nipple clamps for the man – make every sensation intensified for the man as well as add a little pain/pleasure to the mix.

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