Thursday, July 29, 2010

"Dear Kate" - Spanking the Monkey

Dear Kate,
I know that masturbating is a sin. But, I just can’t seem to help myself. What can I do to stop these evil urges?
Sinning for Pleasure

Dear Sinning for Pleasure,
The only way I know of to stop those urges is to die – good luck with that.

Dear Kate,
I am a happily married woman. I would never think of cheating on my husband. But, there was this really hot waiter at the restaurant yesterday and I went home and had a nice ummm “bubblebath” with him in my head. Now I feel horrible. Was that really cheating?
Mental Cheater

Dear Mental Cheater,
You told me you are a happily married woman… you didn’t say anything about going blind. Imagination is god’s gift to the monogamous person.

Dear Kate,
My girlfriend and I have an active sex life, I honestly can’t complain. However, I still like to have some “me times” occasionally. My g/f pitched a bitch fit the other day when she walked in on me. She told me that if I was honestly in love with her and satisfied with her that I wouldn’t ever want to do “that dirty thing.” Am I really supposed to choose between my girlfriend and my hand?

Dear Torn,
Well, I doubt this is the first time the topic has come up so why did you let your oversensitive g/f catch you? You say you have an active sex life and yet your g/f considers masturbation dirty? She might have bigger issues then you’re letting on. Tell her that sex is like a restaurant. Just because you order a salad from time to time doesn’t mean you honestly prefer it over the Filet Mignon.


I have to say. People are very very screwed up when it comes to self-love. I have honestly talked to many people (mostly religious ones) who think that getting yourself off is a sin paramount to sex before marriage. Basically these types of people expect everyone who isn’t married to have no sexuality whatsoever. It’s a fear thing. If you can please yourself, then you aren't as driven to finding a mate (the only moral sex partner). And, then it follows that if you aren’t working on finding a mate then you aren’t making rugrats that can be brainwashed into thinking that they have to find a mate before mating. Geez.

Religion is the greatest form of social control invented. I honestly cannot understand how my own pastors' (and even parents) justified preaching at me that masturbation is something that a person should feel guilty about. Even when I try to look at it from a conservatively religious viewpoint - didn’t their god create everything? So aren’t these “urges” that well up inside a person from their god?

I think that it’s a great thing when a person is able to "take care of" themselves. There would be a lot fewer STDs going around if casual “hook up” sex" was forgone and replaced with pleasuring yourself. Why don't they see that it would be a safer, saner practice to teach people ways to fulfill their “urges” outside of marriage rather then expecting them to not have any desire until their wedding day? Its completely unrealistic and its creating more problems then it's ever helped end. It is just not right to try and force human beings to become choir boys and sunday school girls all because of fear of losing control over them. Certain religions focus on keeping people feeling guilty enough to keep coming back to the church for absolution. How messed up is that?

I would be in SO much trouble if the average person (even those who think they know me) knew half the things that went through my head in an average day: sexual fantasies notwithstanding. Everyone’s imagination is different - mine is very vivid and active. The average person can and does fantasize about any one that crosses their path. It is not cheating to think about someone other then your chosen mate during masturbation or sex.

Now if you let those fantasies take control of your mind and/or life then you have a problem. If you let it get to the point that you “have” to have that someone you’ve been imagining about you need to learn to let it go. You have to be able to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Just because the garden boy is a awesome lover in your bubblebath fantasy that doesn’t mean that he is worth pursuing. Just because that waitress looks like the star of your favorite porn vid doesn’t mean that you should pursue her in expectation of her sex being like your fantasy.

I meet so many women (in general it is just women with this sexual problem) who seem to feel that if they so much as think about another man they might as well have fucked him. They hate that their man watches porn because they are jealous of the porn star getting any of their man’s attention. Females need to understand that what goes on in someone’s mind is just that, going on in their mind… it has nothing to do with their actions. Their actions prove what their mind has decided. If your lover is true to you and you are faithful to your partner then you have nothing to worry about if you occasionally have an incredible orgasm because of the man who washed your car for you that day.

I will put the caveat in here that unless you are very secure in your relationship and you and your partner are very open with each other, you should probably keep all mental images to yourself. No one wants to feel replaced or second best in your life. Unless you have the type of relationship that allows for that level of honesty you should keep your words to your partner in line with your actions not your fantasies – there is no need to tell your partner that you broke the dildo because the waiter got you all hot and bothered at lunch.

Guys and jacking off; I’ve harped on this before but seriously get over it already. Because men are such physical creatures be glad that they are happy to get themselves off sometimes instead of expecting you to do it five times a day. Almost every married woman I know absolutely hates the fact that her man might do himself once in awhile instead of doing her (even in marriages that she’s only receptive to him doing her Friday nights at 11pm). Even when I am in a relationship with a loving man and have no complaints about our sex life, both of us still enjoy pleasing ourselves sometimes.

There is no reason to think that masturbation is going to replace sex in your relationship. Unless your man has serious issues he will always still prefer you to his hand. But, I don’t know a woman alive who wants to have sex as often as a man wants to masturbate. I’ve talked to many guys about the topic and the average number of times that a man masturbates is 15-20 times a week (even when in a relationship). That’s 2-3 times a day! I would be rubbed raw if I had sex 2-3 times a day for any number of days in a row! Thank God he has his hand!!!

Getting off for the sake of getting off is not an interest to me. Maybe that’s the basis for the difference in men and women. Orgasms aren’t really that important to women. Men won’t believe that, but they aren’t. We’d much rather have a good man who keeps us satisfied outside of the bedroom and with whom we merely enjoy sex with then a careless insensitive man but who gives us awesome orgasms. Most women would seriously rather paint thier toenails and read a book then have routine, rote sex for twenty minutes before rolling to face the wall and going to sleep. BOOOOORRRRING. Sex should be, at least, fun. Since it’s the man who wants to have sex more often (in most cases), it's up to him to keep it fun.

That’s the main difference – Men want sex for an orgasm, so they easily get that orgasm from their hand. Women want an experience, so they don’t always grasp the purely physical side of sex that a man craves. Its natural to please yourself even when you're honestly and sincerely satisfied with your relationship’s sex life.

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