Explaining Donkey Shows to the Incredibly Naive...

I was watching "House" reruns this afternoon and I was reminded of the first time I saw this particular episode. I was watching it with a friend of mine (who we'll call Liz for the purposes of this blog), who is very much the epitome of a conservative Christian. In general, House is TV that is safe for us to watch together since, "while there is some cussing and dis-respectfulness from the main characters, there is very little gore and next to no sex" - there is even fairly little of that dreaded nudity that religious people seem to be so afraid of.


I'm going to go off on a slight tangent here and state that I have no freaking idea why most religious people think that it is better for a person to see someone’s intestines spilled out on the ground and/or their heads detached from their bodies and fountains of blood created, then it is for a person to see an image such as this one to your left...

 

...and how this girl can somehow be more "damning" and "damaging" then some of the scenes from movies like "Saw" or "Hostel" is beyond my understanding.

Anyways...

In the beginning of this particular episode, Dr. House was working in the outpatient section of the hospital doing his clinic hours (he seriously hates dealing with the with the general public... well... human being in general he really prefers to avoid). And during this particular day in the clinic, one of his patients is a 20-something, fairly heavily made-up, pretty woman who, though many sarcastic innuendos, House discovers is a local prostitute *insert witty banter here* and House seems like he is in heaven being around this sexually confident, slutty woman (and I am using the term "slut" with the utmost respect... it is never meant to be an insult when I use that word).

The whore ends up revealing to House that she has a sore throat and a rash on her neck and upper chest. House deduces (through many TV appropriate double entendres), that she contracted this rash through her work. Apparently, when a human woman gets in too close with any member of the equine family (horses, mules, etc...), there are certain types of diseases that can be contracted inter-specially. The prostitute then leaves House with a flyer (which we never see) inviting him to come watch her performance. Fun stuff - I was definitely amused, my friend was looking more and more perplexed as the scene went on. 

Ok, quick recap --- a whore has gotten a disease from a donkey. Pretty self-explanatory, eh? I mean she is already sexually, ummm, enlightened, yeah, that it...  How do YOU think she caught a disease from a donkey? .......... That's what I thought - Sooooooooo obvious!

Since I have no desire to post pics of an ACTUAL "Donkey Show" in this blog...

Above is the most tasteful picture of naked women and a horse that I could find.

 

I mean with all the cowgirls and horse enthusiasts out there how rare is it that the general public hears about an interspecies disease from horseBACK riding. Diseases like this must be more common amongst horseCOCK riding enthusiasts. Well, at the end of the show, House goes to a Christmas Eve church service, and the camera pans to show the prostitute playing Mary in a live nativity scene. 

My naive friend, Liz, says, "OH! That's how the horse is involved, I was wondering about that."

 

I should have kept my mouth shut. I really REALLY should have. But, instead, without thinking, I laugh at her and unconsciously blurt out something to the effect of "Geez, no way, that woman had sex with that donkey or at least with SOME horse if not that one - I mean, seriously, how else would SHE have gotten the rash and yet no one else in that nativity or even the donkey's owner showed any of the same symptoms?" Open mouth, stick foot in...

So we end up having a long, detailed conversation with me explaining to going-into-shock-Liz about donkey shows in Mexico, women doing various species of animals, and the many other (in her mind) "sick" fetishes that her limited in scope imagination had never thought ANYONE would be interested in, let alone actually participate in.  Liz just kept repeating over and over that she wanted to know if these "perverts knew how many other good, wholesome things there are in God's world that they could be doing to honor Him and be respectful to the body he gave them rather then trying to have sex with a horse." 

I definitely opened the can of worms that evening, and like the proverbial train wreck, she kept asking questions about all of these topics that she really really REALLY didn't want to know about. I explained about clubs that my fellow college students had found while on spring break. Liz was completely aghast that $20.00 would get you in to watch a live show of a live human woman fucking a horse. 

I told her my personal opinion of bestiality too - lest she think that I am personally into this particular type of sex. Its really not that exciting; it's just completely, well, weird - though I suppose it's just one of those issues that is to each his own. But, in the words of that guy from The 40 Year Old Virgin… "you kinda feel bad for the woman, and the horse!"  

Have you ever googled horse porn? These two particular species just aren't physically compatible  to bring each other sexual pleasure. So this porn has to be just for the images and imagination of the viewers and not actually for either participants’ pleasure. The horse’s dick is way too long to even fit 1/10 of it inside a woman. 

Besides that a horse's cock never really looks like it ever gets completely hard. Though I suppose that would be difficult and take way too much of the beasts blood supply considering that his penis is usually close over 24 inches in length - even if we measured it proportionally, the horse's cock is way larger when compared to his body then a mans cock is - it would be like the human male having dick larger then a Pringles can / tennis ball tube thingy. Hence, the proportionally larger supply of blood that would be needed to keep that baseball bat sized thing hard on a horse would make the horse pass out from lack of blood to his lungs and brain.

Anyways, horse porn always looks like you're trying to stuff an uncooked steak into a limp balloon (get that mental picture in your head because that's exactly how it looks and I am not about to post any pics of that particular fetish here, Lol).

And, given these vast anatomical differences, how could any woman view sex with a horse as anything besides a pain in the ass? 


Pun intended...  hehe...


 

So, I finally shut my mouth from its incessant rambling and Liz sits there with a look of absolute horror on her face. Needless to say, despite the fact that she chose the TV show, and she asked the questions, and she never once asked me to change the topic or stop my explanation of the subject ... that evening was one of the last times that I saw my friend Liz. Somehow it was my fault that her "innocence" was destroyed by my knowledge of horse sex. 

I can't be blamed for her curiosity or demonized for being intelligent and informed enough in regards to all aspects of sexuality to be able to answer her questions ... but it doesn't really surprise me, given the level of religious brainwashing she's undergone.

I've always thought that the real reason she avoided me after that discussion was because perhaps, since she was SO sheltered in all areas sexual, she found herself enjoying the description of horse sex a little TOO much for her own comfort and ended up blaming me for giving her kinky, horny dreams of huge cocks... dreams which were so not in line with her church's teachings - well, if she did get to have some sweaty, orgasmic dreams that night, she was so lucky!